Domestic Violence

[FEELINLOST]

If you have been with someone for 10 years and its been a rocky relationship because of the things you have done, what do u do?

I met my partner at a young age and did a lot of lying at the beginning and really wasn't a good person. I have hurt my partner a number of times and he has stuck by me through thick and thin.

In the past 5 or 6 years if I have done things which have upset him or made him angry it will result in violence on occasion.

I'm close to my partner's family but really don't know how to handle the situation anymore. Am I being selfish as really I have hurt my partner emotionally and yet he has stayed with me but now I can no longer face the violence and feel scared and confused.
Do I really deserve this despite what I have done to my partner?

Any advice please-thank you

[China Doll]

No one has any right to physically hurt you... If I hurt some strangers feelings, maliciously or not, does that mean I deserve to treated like a human punch bag?

Also, you don't say what terrible things you've done in the past which I can't comment on but I would suggest that they're not as terrible as you think and that there is a distinct possibility that it has been drummed in to you that you're not a nice person. Emotional abuse tends to go hand in hand with physical abuse.

Anyway, you don't deserve to live in fear or to be hurt in your own home. Contact a domestic violence support group and get out. I'm not going to kid you it'll be easy, it'll be one of the hardest things you'll ever do, especially if I'm right and you're self esteem and confidence is as fragile as it sounds but ultamately, it's going to be the greatest present in the world you give yourself.

Get yourself free.

I wish you all the luck in the world xx

[raysparx1]

So you feel guilty because he is violent towards you, this is a typical feeling of somebody who is being abused, you feel you deserve it because if you hadn't upset him all would be wonderful, what does he say ?is it something like " why do you make me hit you" you know i love you so why do you make me so angry,? it is not your fault, it does not matter whatever you have done. there is no excuse for violence, get out of this relationship, NOW, you will end up seriously hurt, don't let him control you, do it and do it now, good luck, and be strong. xx

[MrBen5]

Hmmm, you do deserve it yes, as you have have done terrible things.
On the other hand though, you dont deserve to be in a relationship like that. (if that makes any sense).
Basically you deserve everything you get, but you should get out now as it will only get worse. This violent hold he has on you is a control thing. You two are no longer compatible, as he sees you as a lying.cheating, etc, etc.
He cant change now as he will never forget the past and what you did to him.
Good luck...

[China Doll]

Using someone as human punch bag is acceptable Mr Ben? How odd.

[MrBen5]

Hmmm, i didnt say it was acceptable. I said she probably deserved it.
I am totally against a man hitting a woman. I wouldnt ever do it personally, but i totally understand why some women do suffer from it...

[nannon]

Totally agree with Mr Ben - in no way do you deserve it - so you screwed up a few times? nothing would ever give anyone the right to hit another person. NEVER. Get out now - i doubt very much it will get any better.
take care xxx

[FEELINLOST]

Thanks to everyones advice. I know I should get out but I just feel so selfish and guilty for thinking it!

I really don't know where to start...........

[China Doll]

http://www.refuge.org.uk/

I'd start there ^^^^ if it were me. They're very good.

And I would guess you're programmed to feel guilty about thinking about it... easy way to lessen the guilt = don't think about it just do it.

Refuge can help you, they've helped others in similar situations. Pick you pride up, muster up all the courage you've got and go. You do not deserve to be hurt in your own home.

[MrBen5]

you should feel guilty for what you have done, but hey, thats the past now. You cant go back and change things, just like you wont be able to change this guy.
Hopefully you will take the guy's advice above and go to a refuge or something. There is a lot of help out there for you, if you want it...

[MrBen5]

Sorry China, i think it should be gal. ha ha

[tiggertan]

Hi, my ex abused me a few times. I was once dragged out of bed (luckily in pyjamas), down the stairs with my head banging on the wall and banister and thrown outside on the path then locked out. I was also hit that hard in the face that I almost soaked a bath towel in blood and had blackened eyes. There were other incidents too. He said that I'd wound him up and that was his excuse. He was always very sorry and remorsefull afterwards but that's just too late. Another guy one grabbed me, pinned me to the bed and headbutted me so hard I swear I saw stars, had a huge lump on my forehead and had to use my fringe to hide it. His excuse? I wound him up. I phones the domestic violence helpline once, quite a while after it happened and the woman was so rude. She told me to get over it as it was a few months ago and he no longer lived with me! I was so upset at her attitude. if you are being abused, listen to everyone else and get out now. I know it's not easy but he won't change. My ex kept promising he had changed and it would happen again a few months down the line.
Good luck.
XXX.

[raysparx1]

Hi tiggertan, great name, first of all thank god you got out of it, why some men behave like this is beyond me, it makes me feel sick, I hope you never lose hope in all blokes cos it really is a minority that abuse women, and I hope you and feelinlost have a very happy and loving relationship with somebody that will love and give you the respect you deserve, there is nothing macho about hitting a lady, it is cowardice, and no way does any man that does this even deserve to be called a man, they are pure scum, once they have hit any lady she should get out and never look back, it won't stop it will just get worse, take care you two, and good luck in the future , Ray xx

[tiggertan]

Thank you Ray. Hopefullly what we said will help Feelinlost. :) xxx.

[tattoo1094]

Go see a councellor, a good one, find some self confidence and self asteem then you will perhaps be strong enough to leave him............then in time perhaps you can talk to him. Right and wrong on both sides here but remember you dont deserve to be hit, slapped or broken mentally. Your immaturatey probably was going against you but as you get older most times you get wiser. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive your self and your husband because grief and anger will only eat you up inside. I would hope perhaps your husband would get some help too...........but thats his path .This is yours me dear......................All the best to you and your family x x x

[Goodsoulette]

The problem is feelinlost, you leave a few times and get back together and thats from personal experience. It took me 3 times to leave him properly. I can honestly say that I am very meek and never did a damned thing to deserve the beatings and broken bones. Although bearing that in mind the getting shouted at in public was the worst form of abuse who used to dish out almost daily.

It sounds like you two are not meant for each other and I would suggest going to a public place and telling him you don't want to be together anymore. After that you need to make arrangements to stay with family and make sure you tell them he was abusive, that way they wont let you go back. I told my family what he was like a few months after he broke my arm, when he broke my ribs. I left and went back, they couldn't even look at me after that for 2 years.

I always thought it was my fault, its my fault because I want that mirror not the one he likes. Or its my fault because I had to work 14 hours today and I fell asleep instead of cooking his dinner (when I was pregnant), or its my fault because I went away for the weekend with my friends and thats why you had sex with someone else etc etc I dont know what has gone on in your relationship but I am sure you dont deserve violence.

My biggest worry was being on my own. Who would want me etc but I have dated several different guys since then and although i think that Ill have commitment issues for a while, I know I wont be on my own forever.

[tattoo1094]

Good soul,
you break my heart, you sound just gorgous........give it time babe x

[rocklolo]

domestic violence on both side is inacceptable. I have had 23 years of it and every day when i look in the mirror , a scar on my nose is a rough reminder of what life has been not only for me and my childrens too.
What you feels now is what i have felt for 23 years and god i have got some stories and have kept some footage recording when i was attacked in my shop by my partner so many time.
For years he told me i was ugly,fat,,lazy, [i have had 4 jobs] on the go to make end meet .
I am leaving him now and glad of it

[raysparx1]

Hi rocklolo, I am so happy for you, you are doing the best thing you could do,he does not deserve you, he is a prat and a bully, I find scum like him pathetic, good luck to you hope you will have a very happy future, whatever the future holds it will be better than the crap you have put up with, take care and look after yourself, it has taken a lot of courage for you to do this after years of abuse, you must have lost all your self esteem, but now you are getting it back, you will be so strong once you have done it, Ray xx

[rocklolo]

To Ray, THANK YOU so much for your kind message, funny for years i could no longer cry but i did today while reading your message because in the last 23 years you are the first person to have given me a kind,conforting word.
I am getting stronger, sold my business last year and wishes to enjoys what it is left in my life .So thank you again! xxxx