penpal problem

[~Vulpine~]

I'm penpals with this guy in New Mexico, but recently he's been signing his emails 'luv ya' and now he's started mentioning he hasn't got a girlfriend, how cool and pretty I am, and how he's raising money for a trip over here. This just leaves me cold - I don't think we're suited for each other that way, and I'm convinced he wants to make a move on me. He's really, really sweet, and I want to let him know I'm not interested without hurting him. Is there anything I can just say to put him off a bit without breaking his heart? Please help, someone :(

xXx

[B00]

Why dont you lie and write him that you've recently met a "fantastic bloke"?

That way you hopefully cut his advances off before they start.

[Pippa68]

Why not tell him you have met someone here? I don't know if you will be able to avoid breaking his heart if that is the way he feels about you...but at least if you tell him you are seeing someone you aren't saying he isn't your type ;o)

It's a toughie...

[Pippa68]

Great minds and all that, BOO :o) xx

[B00]

Snap pippa!

[B00]

hahaha, this is getting spooky now, lol.

[~Vulpine~]

That's one option, I guess, but I'd rather not lie to him as it could get awkward if he asks me about him :S Though if I have no other choice, I guess I'll have to say that.

[Ice.Maiden]

Email him in a straight-forward way. Say that you enjoy corresponding with him, but you feel he's rushing into something that isn't on your agenda. If he persists, tell him that you write to lots of people, but meeting up isn't going to happen - so he can either continue as a penpal (if that's what you want) or otherwise.

[B00]

Yeah, understand you don't want to lie to him, but sometimes needs must..

Just make sure if you do make up a bloke's details, that you keep a record somewhere of the things you've said about him-otherwise that'd be embarrassing if he's 6'2 one week then 5'9 a few weeks later, lol.

[Pippa68]

Blimey BOO...twilight zone alert! lol.

~Vulpine~ this comes under the definition of a 'white lie'. My mother always told me it was ok to tell these if you feared someones feelings would be hurt if you told the truth.

As this is a penpal/email buddy I can't see the harm in it. It would certainly be one way of nipping it in the bud at your end..it may just be a little late for him, but that isn't your fault.

[~Vulpine~]

Oh God, I knew someone would suggest that Ice.Maiden :P I knew I'd have to do something like that to someone at one point in my life, but to be completely honest I'm an absolute coward. I'm gonna have to grow up sometime *does confidence chant* Any tips on feeling a bit braver? I am SUCH a chicken lol!

xXx

[~Vulpine~]

Thanks everyone - this is really good stuff, making me feel a bit better inside too lol :)

[time2fly]

so are you cool and pretty...?

[~Vulpine~]

Unfortunately, yes - it's like a curse :P

(joke)

[beso]

"Making a move" is probably a bit extreme. "Luv ya" sounds like he is testing the water. And why shouldn't he? Most people who end up in relationships have been knocked back more than once. That is how it works.

Raise the subject and see how he responds. Say something like "Now you are going all romantic on me". He should either back off or try to take it further. Either way it gives you a chance to say where you are at.

If he escalates just make it clear that you enjoy the friendship but you don't have any more feelings than that. The sooner you say something to clarify the situations the less you will hurt him.

I don't think lying is ever a good idea. It would destroy your friendship. You wouldn't be writing to him if you didn't have some kind of sense of friendship.

Most fantasies built on long distance communication fall flat within a very short time of meeting. If you are not suited he will probably work this out for himself once you meet face to face. It doesn't mean you can't be friends.

On the other hand are you quite sure you would not like him as more than a penfriend if you actually met him? Why not let him visit. Just make sure you are not alone in a vulnerable situation with him.

I have kept in touch with a penfriend for over twelve years. We have communicated on quite personal things and expressed love for each other on many occasions but we are not under any illusions. I certainly do feel a sense of love for her despite knowing we would never be romantic.

[luckyman]

tell him straight,now!!!!!!!!!

[~Vulpine~]

I have - and he's fine with it! He said he had a crush on me at first, but to be honest he thought I had a boyfriend. He'd love to keep things the way they are now and he really appreciates my being up-front with him :) Thanks everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

xXx