Boyfriends committment to other family

[jen85]

hi everyone! just looking for a bit of advice really! my boyfriend has a baby boy with his ex gf. the split just before the child was born and we got together not long after. its the baby's 2nd birthday in a few days and the ex has asked him to go out with her and the child for the day. i do trust him but i cant help but keep crying at the thought of him spending the day with her. its killing me to know he already has a family of his own and i dont figure in that. im also really concious that she has previously text him suggestive messages and told him she still likes him. he says i have nothing to worry about and to stop thinking about it but i cant help but have the situation going around and around in my head. its making me so unhappy. not just the fact that they are going out for the day but im struggling to accept he has a life long committment already. before it wasn't an issue but now we are in a long term relationship and want to share a future together im getting so down by it all. i dont want to be selfish and immature and want him to be happy but i have to think about my happiness as well. anyone else in the same situation?

[D143237G]

You say you don't want to be selfish and immature. Well accept that he has a child by another woman and get on with it. He obviously wants to have contact with the child or he wouldn't be going out for the day. You don't have to be over the moon about it but at the same time you mustn't let it tear you and most probably your relationship apart. From what you write you are obviously not only literate and articulate but intelligent as well. So start thinking intelligently

It may sound harsh but if you carry on the way you are there will be only one sad end to this affair. Plus whatever you do don't make him choose between you and the child. You might not like the answer.

I am not a smart ass, or an expert just a 52 year old man who has seen this situation within his own family. Luckily with a happy ending.

ps. While he is out for the day why not have some fun of your own without him? Shop with friends, or a boozy lunch with friends, or both. Don't stay indoors and mope. Do something without him that will be completely innocent but fun as well.

[LittleMissxx]

Its hard to say dont worry about it, cause thats what us women do. I dont see why he has to spend the day with her though. He can see his child without her. Sounds like she has ulterior motives to me.

[jen85]

thank you for replies so far, although i do not see how my messages warrants me to be called scheming and jealous! that is why i have not posted on here for so long because of the smart ass answers that some people give.

i do however thank the two of u who have given me advice and i have taken this on board. i fully accept he has a child with another women but that doesnt mean to say its not hard and things dont upset me. i have decided to deal with it and get on with it. my bf and i had a long chat about the situation yesterday and i totally see his point of view with it. he feels bad because he cant do anything to make me feel better and i feel bad for getting upset about it.

LittleMiss I also wondered why he couldnt see the child separatly away from his mother but he said, which i agree with, that she has been awkward in the past and is probably likely not to agree to him going to his house. for example at christmas he asked to see him for an hour at his house so his family could be there and she wouldnt let him. instead he had to go to her house and give him his presents in the car! pathetic on her behalf! also he said that he would like the child to have both parents there for a little while on his birthday. all valid points i guess, just difficult for me!

im an incredibly senstive person anyway but this did really upset me. i am working on the day they r going out so will hopefully keep busy and will bear in mind our conversation from last night. cant wait for his birthday to be over!

[daisycutter]

I can do better than that. My ex husband had two children by two different women aged (at the time) 2 and 10 months. So I had to do it in stereo! Plus they were having their own private feud so when he arranged to see one the other would conveniently want him to see hers at the same time and 200 miles away. I really do sympathise with you.

But to be fair your guy seems up front and is telling you stuff so bite the bullet and let him have his day. Don't dwell on it and plan your own evening with him when he gets back. The jealousy will eat you away otherwise. If she has an agenda that's her problem - he has already said he wants to be with you and not her anymore.

My ex (and one of the reasons he is my ex) wasn't up front about any of his antics with his exes and kids. When gf number 2 was pregnant she had to lie down in the back of his car when he picked up child number one so gf number one didn't find out!

I could write a book on him LOL

[tiggertan]

Hi Jen, I'm in the same position with a 4 year old. His mother is a pain but there's nothing that can be done. My parner has him two days a week, picks him up and drops him off but doesn't spend time with the ex. I wouldn't be too chuffed with that. I do agree that it's very difficult but that's life. These are the men we love and if they come with baggage then we have to deal with it.
It will all work out.
X.