Am I selfish to want to go to the funeral??

[Schlomo78]

O.K- heres the deal. My Dad and his family are American.He died unexpectedly 5 months ago and me & my brother flew to America for 5 days for the viewing & military funeral. I left my then 11 month old son with my partner (his dad) & he *& my mum took turns looking after him as his Dad could not get the whole time off work.
My Dad's Dad who is 94 has just been taken seriously ill & is in an ICU hospice,he has days left. My Mother says if I go over to the U.S for the funeral for 4 or 5 days and leave my son again I am being selfish. I love my Grandpa very much & saw him when my Dad died, I also saw a lot of him when I visited my Dad over the years. AM I being selfish to want to pay my last respects to a man I loved and was a part of my own father?
My partner has said he can try and get time off to look after little one (now 15 months) & my sister said the same. My boy is not a Mummy's boy, he loves being around other people and gets bored of me as he is with me all the time even though of course he loves me....
So guys, what would YOU do?
Thanks in advance :O)

[Jillius]

I don't think you are being selfish at all ! Would your mum say the same if it was HER dad that was dying ? Don't let her make you feel guilty. It is the last thing you will ever be able to do for your grandad so you should go. If she is being awkward with you then don't ask her to care for your son. Take up your sister's offer to look after him. If it's only for about a week then I'm sure she won't mind.
Hope you manage to sort it out.

[Bewlay Bros]

Why can't your baby come with you?

Am I missing something here?

[Schlomo78]

Hi Jillius, I thought the same thing to be honest, and I asked her how she would feel if I couldn't be bothered to go to her Mums funeral when she died. This did not go down well, lol.
Bewley, my son is a VERY active 15 month old, he has no interest in t.v or drawing or anything that inolves sitting still, so putting him through 2 flights (just to get there) and a total of 14 hrs of travelling isn't going to work. Don't get me wrong, I did seriously think about it but it wouldn't be fair on him and also he cannot travel on my passport-he has to have his own now as the rules have changed-the time frame doesn't allow for this really. I hope you understand.
Thannks for your answers both
x

[yinyang]

I don't think you're being selfish at all. This will be your only chance to say goodbye to your Grandpa and you need to take it.
It sounds as if your partner is happy for you to do it and arrangements are in place without you needing to rely on your mum for childcare so I'm afaid it's not really anything to do with her.

I agree it's not a good idea to take your son. Apart from the flights, there's the funeral to consider. Chances are you will find it very hard but you need to be able to let thing out there without worrying about your son seeing you.

I'm sorry your family is going through such a terrible time right now. I understand how it feels and you'll be in my thoughts. Take care. x

[Schlomo78]

Thanks so much for your answers and for taking the time to read my post and to write back.
My Mum is indeed my dads ex wife and she does not much like his family at all, she never met them much and has her own reasons I guess, but they are not mine and she needs to understand that.
I spoke to my auntie earlier who is at his bedside and she said that once he goes it will be a very quick cremation and he doesn't want a service, my other auntie and uncle are not travelling up, neither my brother so I am in two minds now...
Whatever I decide to do I thank you for your kind thoughts and advice, it has renewed my faith in humanity that people who neither know me nor anything about me can take the time and effort for kind words
Take care
xxx

[dot.hawkes]

I think you are the total opposite of selfish, to travel so far and have to leave the little one is not easy, to travel so far for a funeral , even if it is your dad and grandad, is alot to take on, it is alot emotionally, physically and financially, there is no reward or pleasure in it other than knowing that you have fulfilled your duty to your dad and grandad. We can all wish we didn;t have to de these things, but not doing them for the wrong reasons is not right.

[dot.hawkes]

just to emphasise, my 21 year old son will not even walk downstairs to make the sky work on my tele, now that is selfish!!! he's playing one of his online games so cannot be interrupted!

[Schlomo78]

Hehe, Dot I have all that to come! I'm getting the attitude now and he's only 15 months,lol! I thought boys were supposed to be easier!
:O)

[bednobs]

you are not selfish for wanting to go tot the funeral, but it is selfish to expect someone else to look after your child while you do so. if your sister feels she can do it then great

[debbz1969]

You have a lifetime with your child, you will only have one chance to say goodbye to your beloved 'Grandpa'. As long as your child is well cared for and has love around him than you are definately NOT being selfish. For you to be prepared to travel across the 'Pond' and leave your precious son to say your farwells to someone who is obvously very special to you is very very UNSELFISH.

[Whoever]

GO iff that is what you want to do in the latest circumstances. You are not being selfish. You will be doing what your heart tells you is the right thing to do.

It sounds as if your mother may have a private agenda of her own.. If other members of your family can look after your son, that is all that matters.

[ethanryan]

hi i just wondered what you decided to do and how it went x

[rosie1965]

take the baby with you!