Stay or go

[Babyblues]

I have been in a relationship for a year and a half with the first love of my life. I left my husband to be back with this man. Now we have a four month old daughter together and since we had her our relationship has gone way down hill.
You see We use to be able to talk about anything now I can't even tell him how I feel without him taking it as an attack on him and he gets very deffensive. I feel there is no reason for him to be getting upset but he does.
OUr sex life is on hold and he has become very verbaly abusive. So I broke up with him.
We live in the same house and still sleep in the same bed and since I said we were over things with us have been great no fights or anything.
I guess my question is if we are so good when we aren't together and so bad when we are together should I stay or should I go?
I love him very much but I just can't leave we have a daughter together. How do I fix this mess he is making?
I am trying to keep our family together and he tells me every day that he loves me and he is so nice and sweet now. What happens when we get back together and the same thing happens? I don't want my daughter to feel like I do.
Would it be better for her if I stayed and tried to work it out or if I just do what I feel like I should do for me and work visitation out with him?

Somone please help me what do I do stay or go.

[banjosister]

Hey babyblues,

I would suggest counselling. I would also suggest that you stop thinking that this is all his fault - How do I fix this mess he is making?

If you both love each other then counselling should help you sort this out and learn to listen to each other
which is more important than talking.

BB xx

[Babyblues]

Thanks for the advice. I am not trying to put it all on him but I wasn't the one who changed he was now I question if he is trying to just push me away so that I do leave or he just can't control his anger.
I want to talk to him and I asked him to go to counciling but he said that we don't need counciling if I would just stop talking to him we would be fine because he doesn't really want to hear about he says that I am the one with the problem and hey maybe I am but my problem is with him.

[banjosister]

Hey babyblues,

Then I would suggest having counselling for yourself. He either doesn't think he has a problem or doesn't want to fix it.

It is easier for him to say it's all your problem, which it obviously isn't. Couselling will help you understand how you react to things and why.

You will also be able to decide whether it is worth trying to save this relationship.

Good luck.
BB xx

[Babyblues]

Thank you for the advice. I have been going to councling for my self. It is helping address some issuses in my own life but it has also shown me that The problems aren't all about me. I am starting to think that the longer I keep trying the harder it will be for me to leave later. I don't want my daughter to be without her father but I don't want her to have to see us fight every day either. I would rather just go and let things go the way they are going to go. He can see his daughter any time he wants I will never keep here from him because he is a good father. I just can't be with him when he isn't willing to work on our relationship. I derserve better and I deserve to be happy. I need to move on.
So again thanks for the advice and I guess I always knew what needed to be done I was just holding on to a fantisy of us. My daughter and both of us are going to better for it.

[Ice.Maiden]

It could just be that you're both under a lot of stress, and feeling tired. Babies can do this to couples. Does your bf help out as much as you'd like? I don't think it's counselling that you need, so much as both trying to use a bit of good old common sense.
When your partner's in a good mood, try and communicate properly - which basically means no pointing the finger, or shouting.
All the best to you. You deserve to give each other another chance.

[sense4all]

Before you had the baby everything was fine ... you made a massive declaration about your love for HIM by leaving someone else to be with him.
Perhaps HE hasn't realised that he thinks the baby has usurped all the love and attention that you used to lavish on him.
Most people have a change in sex life after a baby :you are usually just too knackered for a start. Can you really envisage spending your life with someone who doesn't want to know what you have to say. He is being a bit of a selfish sod if you are relying on him to be your link with the outside world, and he just can't be bothered.

Also a word of caution, boys - in the main - are solution based creatures , he may think that you tell him stuff ( a problem ) and he is telling you how to fix it ( which is not what you want - you just want to work through an issue by going over it out loud again with another adult ) and if you ignore his solution he will be reluctant to continue to discuss something again as he thinks he has already told you how to remedy 'the problem!'
Find a local baby group and even if you initially don't like it - go back three or four times - as a girlfriend in the same situation can do you no end of good at a time like now. Then you don't have to include him in the 'dull stuff 'at all.

I think once you get through the first hurdles of parenthood you will be better able to make a proper impartial decision- do not rush into it!

Have a read of this web site, you can join the forum and speak to others if you feel it's appropriate for your circumstances.
http://www.pni.org.uk/

I am married ( over twenty years ) and I do have kids just incase you are wondering.Please keep us posted, and there is usually some one you can bounce ideas off, if you need to here.

[lkn2cln22]

BABYBLUES~
I was just wondering how things are? If you had finally left.

[topgal]

Stay there and work at it! You've already bailed out on one husband. I thought marriage was for life! You cannot go through your life walking out when things get tough. Here's the thing that you wont like - when you have children they become your priority, not YOU! Any women will tell you that the key to a successful marriage/relationship is compromise and generally on our part! I have been married to the love of my life for 18 years and it's not been easy. Sorry to be so harsh and old fashioned but this country is in total moral decline, come on and be strong and make it work!