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Can you be in love after one kiss?
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I liked this man for quite a while (we are both married by the way) but didn't really know he felt the same way. Then at a party 6 months ago we kissed secretly, and I mean really kissed, like I've never been kissed before.
Nothing else has happened since between us, although, god, I really would like it to. He's the husband of my friend and the Dad of my kids' friends. He's a really good friend and he listens to me about things like my husband never has. He is sexy, has a great smile and intelligent and we did exchange lots of texts for a while. But it all seems to have stopped suddenly. It's upset me but I know I must get on with my own life.
The thing is since the kiss, I cannot stop thinking about him and I think I am in love with him.
Nothing else has happened since between us, although, god, I really would like it to. He's the husband of my friend and the Dad of my kids' friends. He's a really good friend and he listens to me about things like my husband never has. He is sexy, has a great smile and intelligent and we did exchange lots of texts for a while. But it all seems to have stopped suddenly. It's upset me but I know I must get on with my own life.
The thing is since the kiss, I cannot stop thinking about him and I think I am in love with him.
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To answer your actual question, I think you CAN be in love after one kiss, in fact, I don't think you even need the kiss to be in love.
Have you thought about what you risk losing here? Husband, friend, children...If so, are you still willing to try to move this forward? I am not judging here (believe me!), I just know how easy it is to be blinded by emotions.
Have you thought about what you risk losing here? Husband, friend, children...If so, are you still willing to try to move this forward? I am not judging here (believe me!), I just know how easy it is to be blinded by emotions.
I know what I risk losing. My husband and I are not particularly happy anymore, which makes things worse if anything as I do not know where to turn. Our children on the other hand are a different matter. My male friend obviously does not want to lose his wife and family, that must be why he has backed off.
I, on the other hand, cannot help my really strong feelings for this man.
I, on the other hand, cannot help my really strong feelings for this man.
I understand that. In a way, I don't really think it was fair of him to join in the kiss, if he wasn't willing to acknowledge what it meant.
Regardless of him, the kiss, and where he stands, you do need to ask yourself if you and your husband should be together any more if neither of you are happy. It is a horrible realisation, but it needs addressing. Time will only make it worse, not better.
Regardless of him, the kiss, and where he stands, you do need to ask yourself if you and your husband should be together any more if neither of you are happy. It is a horrible realisation, but it needs addressing. Time will only make it worse, not better.
Thanks for all your advice leelalops.
My husband thinks we are happy - he is just blissfully unaware of my needs and desires. I have just stopped fancying him!
I guess I couldn't ever leave him - he is a fairly good Father and I just couldn't do that to the kids.
As for my male friend, you are right, he shouldn't have joined in the kiss in the first place - it would have probably made a huge difference to my emotional state right now. I suppose it gave me false hope.
I know I need to get over him, but its not that easy when I see him quite regularly on a social basis with our children and partners.
Thanks again.
My husband thinks we are happy - he is just blissfully unaware of my needs and desires. I have just stopped fancying him!
I guess I couldn't ever leave him - he is a fairly good Father and I just couldn't do that to the kids.
As for my male friend, you are right, he shouldn't have joined in the kiss in the first place - it would have probably made a huge difference to my emotional state right now. I suppose it gave me false hope.
I know I need to get over him, but its not that easy when I see him quite regularly on a social basis with our children and partners.
Thanks again.
He does sound like a nice guy and he would seem to be talented in communication something you suggest is missing in your current relationship.
However when we fall in love with those aspects we also tend to imagine all the best things we want in a partner being embodied in that person. The is reinforced when the desired one is on their best behaviour because they are trying to impress, even unconsciously.
Unfortunately real people are generally a pale shadow of the perfect parter we imagine them to be when we are in love. You cannot make sensible decisions when in love.
The first thing you are going to have to accept is every way forward from here will bring you and people you care about pain in one form or another. Even if you do nothing and try to get on with your life this thing could ferment and burst out again. If you do not take control immediatey your life has the potential to spiral out of control.
You got into this mess becasue you didn't see it coming. This happens when we don't want to look out for the consequences when we do something as exciting and impulsivly foolish like kissing someone we know we shouldn't. You probably don't realise it but all kinds of things are already happening in both your relationship and the one between the desired man and his wife if if he has tried to put it aside and get on with life.
However the secret can begin to kill the intimacy in an ever more destructive loop. Self esteem of the cheating pesrson becomes schitzophrenic between the two versions of their life. The idea of being with the desired one grows out of proportion as the endorphins charge through our veins.
Other times when driven by guilt, the low points can rub off on the marrrige partner who doesn't even know why their spouse is treating them harshly. It feels better to image one's spouse is an aweful enough person to deserve what you did to them by cheating.
However when we fall in love with those aspects we also tend to imagine all the best things we want in a partner being embodied in that person. The is reinforced when the desired one is on their best behaviour because they are trying to impress, even unconsciously.
Unfortunately real people are generally a pale shadow of the perfect parter we imagine them to be when we are in love. You cannot make sensible decisions when in love.
The first thing you are going to have to accept is every way forward from here will bring you and people you care about pain in one form or another. Even if you do nothing and try to get on with your life this thing could ferment and burst out again. If you do not take control immediatey your life has the potential to spiral out of control.
You got into this mess becasue you didn't see it coming. This happens when we don't want to look out for the consequences when we do something as exciting and impulsivly foolish like kissing someone we know we shouldn't. You probably don't realise it but all kinds of things are already happening in both your relationship and the one between the desired man and his wife if if he has tried to put it aside and get on with life.
However the secret can begin to kill the intimacy in an ever more destructive loop. Self esteem of the cheating pesrson becomes schitzophrenic between the two versions of their life. The idea of being with the desired one grows out of proportion as the endorphins charge through our veins.
Other times when driven by guilt, the low points can rub off on the marrrige partner who doesn't even know why their spouse is treating them harshly. It feels better to image one's spouse is an aweful enough person to deserve what you did to them by cheating.
Unfortunately the fantasies are near impossibe to stop. No matter how hard you try to put it aside they will come to you in dreams while you continue to imagine the potential. Despite struggling against being drawn in the last thought of the fantasy is intense pleasure. The immediate guilt is actually part of the real world and does little to contaminate the fantasy. Sadly reprsssing this will not cure it.
You need to think this fantasy right through in your mind to getting with him and tearing two families apart. Only then can your mind get around what it is that really matters to you. Get yourself into a state of mind that lets you really imagine what your life would really be like if you took this enormous leap. Image being with him and saying that you want to leave your husband for him. Follow the scenario.
Ultimately if it turns out that it is what you really want then you can deal with that later but for now you need to contemplate the whole picture strongly enough to let the realiy bite in your imagination.
Once you begin to realise what you loose and can start to think how much do you want to save your relationship. You might need quite a lot of powerful emotion to overcome the attraction you feel to the other guy.
It certainly doesn't work for everyone but when I got into a problem with fansasies of another woman (I had never acknowledged anything with ther let alone kissed) I decide the best course of action was to ask my wife for help.
It did turn out to be the best solution in my case once we both laid it all on the table and had a major review of what was driving our relationship in both positive and negative directions. It cured the fantasy instantly.
You need to think this fantasy right through in your mind to getting with him and tearing two families apart. Only then can your mind get around what it is that really matters to you. Get yourself into a state of mind that lets you really imagine what your life would really be like if you took this enormous leap. Image being with him and saying that you want to leave your husband for him. Follow the scenario.
Ultimately if it turns out that it is what you really want then you can deal with that later but for now you need to contemplate the whole picture strongly enough to let the realiy bite in your imagination.
Once you begin to realise what you loose and can start to think how much do you want to save your relationship. You might need quite a lot of powerful emotion to overcome the attraction you feel to the other guy.
It certainly doesn't work for everyone but when I got into a problem with fansasies of another woman (I had never acknowledged anything with ther let alone kissed) I decide the best course of action was to ask my wife for help.
It did turn out to be the best solution in my case once we both laid it all on the table and had a major review of what was driving our relationship in both positive and negative directions. It cured the fantasy instantly.
contd
You would be surprised how many married people would have some fantasis or their own that they are ashamed of, escpecially after several years of marriage. Just because you are married it does not mean that you never are attracted to another person again especially after the original infatuations are a distant memory. It is an issue that needs to be addressed in many marriages.
However the existence of their own misdemeanours can work in two ways. Some people would rather leave than admit their own guilty secrets. Others who have very vulnerable self esteem simply can't reconcile the dismay they feel at having their partner cheat on them and see the relationship as totally destroyed without hope of redemption.
I know of another couple where the woman came forward and their relationship collapsed almost instantly. I think it requires a lot of trust and communication as well as a very deep love to make it work out. It took several years for my relation to settle down though what we know now it could have been sorted much more quickly with the wisdom of experience.
In the end you have to deal with this because it won't go away by itself.
You would be surprised how many married people would have some fantasis or their own that they are ashamed of, escpecially after several years of marriage. Just because you are married it does not mean that you never are attracted to another person again especially after the original infatuations are a distant memory. It is an issue that needs to be addressed in many marriages.
However the existence of their own misdemeanours can work in two ways. Some people would rather leave than admit their own guilty secrets. Others who have very vulnerable self esteem simply can't reconcile the dismay they feel at having their partner cheat on them and see the relationship as totally destroyed without hope of redemption.
I know of another couple where the woman came forward and their relationship collapsed almost instantly. I think it requires a lot of trust and communication as well as a very deep love to make it work out. It took several years for my relation to settle down though what we know now it could have been sorted much more quickly with the wisdom of experience.
In the end you have to deal with this because it won't go away by itself.
Wow thanks for the therapy!
You sure have given me something to think about.
My husband is a very vulnrable person deep down - he lost all his hair when my father died and his mother had a heart attack in the same year. He has had panic attacks, although things seem all settled at the moment.We have money problems (doesn't everyone!) too.
I cannot contemplate leaving him or even telling him about my secrets - it would destroy him.
I really need to talk with my male friend to see why he has gone all quiet on me. That above all has been bugging me. For all I know he has told his wife about us - she doesn't seem as friendly as usual. I need to work things through with him and how we can still have a friendship.
There has really, really been nothing between us since the kiss 6 months ago. We did talk briefly, jokingly, about a month after the kiss, about having a relationship but it wasn't serious and he dismissed it as soon as he said it, talking about his wife and kids.
But as you say fantasies grow out of all proportion and take over your real life. I do feel I am living two lives - the fantasy where I envisage myself with my friend and I am happy and loved - this happens both in my dreams and in the day when I am alone in the house; the other life which is reality, boring, sad, and where I snap at everyone and they don't know what they have done wrong. That's the double personality you talked about.
It has been hard to keep all this a secret - I nearly told my best friend - but she knows the male friend in question and I didn't think she would keep the secret for long. I have told my sister in law - who told me to sleep with my male friend -not helpful advice!
I know somewhere a long the line someone is going to get hurt. But I would rather that be me than anyone and I know I need to sacrifice my own personal happiness to please my family and friends in the long run. They say time is a great healer.
You sure have given me something to think about.
My husband is a very vulnrable person deep down - he lost all his hair when my father died and his mother had a heart attack in the same year. He has had panic attacks, although things seem all settled at the moment.We have money problems (doesn't everyone!) too.
I cannot contemplate leaving him or even telling him about my secrets - it would destroy him.
I really need to talk with my male friend to see why he has gone all quiet on me. That above all has been bugging me. For all I know he has told his wife about us - she doesn't seem as friendly as usual. I need to work things through with him and how we can still have a friendship.
There has really, really been nothing between us since the kiss 6 months ago. We did talk briefly, jokingly, about a month after the kiss, about having a relationship but it wasn't serious and he dismissed it as soon as he said it, talking about his wife and kids.
But as you say fantasies grow out of all proportion and take over your real life. I do feel I am living two lives - the fantasy where I envisage myself with my friend and I am happy and loved - this happens both in my dreams and in the day when I am alone in the house; the other life which is reality, boring, sad, and where I snap at everyone and they don't know what they have done wrong. That's the double personality you talked about.
It has been hard to keep all this a secret - I nearly told my best friend - but she knows the male friend in question and I didn't think she would keep the secret for long. I have told my sister in law - who told me to sleep with my male friend -not helpful advice!
I know somewhere a long the line someone is going to get hurt. But I would rather that be me than anyone and I know I need to sacrifice my own personal happiness to please my family and friends in the long run. They say time is a great healer.
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I think he probably got carried away like you did but saw sense that he probably loves his wife and family and doesn't want to lose them!
Put it at the back of your mind and try and find what you loved about your husband again! It is still there!
On another note (not judging you) but please don't be the other woman! The hurt you can cause is not worth your own lust and wont end happily!
Put it at the back of your mind and try and find what you loved about your husband again! It is still there!
On another note (not judging you) but please don't be the other woman! The hurt you can cause is not worth your own lust and wont end happily!
Thanks Andrea
It has crossed my mind and his too I am sure. If we could be sure that it could be kept secret forever then I would have without a doubt, whether it is right or wrong.
But we both know better than that, we are both intelligent people. We both have the same friends and our children are friends, things have a tendancy of being found out like that.
It's hard to crush one's desires - I'm sure he is doing but I am having a rocky time of it.
It has crossed my mind and his too I am sure. If we could be sure that it could be kept secret forever then I would have without a doubt, whether it is right or wrong.
But we both know better than that, we are both intelligent people. We both have the same friends and our children are friends, things have a tendancy of being found out like that.
It's hard to crush one's desires - I'm sure he is doing but I am having a rocky time of it.
Sounds like your husband isn't a candidate for the out in the open option. However there is also a danger that he will find out some other way would be even more damaging.
The other person always has the potential for a leak and suddenly you begin to wonder who knows and are they looking at you funny. Of course just the paranoia can make them look at you funny so that confirms your suspicions that they are treating you differently.
Before I found out about my wife's moment of stupidity I had quite innocently and by accident found myself making a quip about guys not having a sense of humor about infidelity. He could have easily thought I knew and spilled his guts. I am glad he didn't because I would not have wanted to find out like that.
You are right that you need to find some resolution. However you cannot expect him to never say anything to his wife even though he may prefer to keep the secret right now. Circumstances change. However you really don't want to spend the rest of your life worrying that it might come out one day.
You really should avoid being alone with the other man to discuss this. Don't underestimate the animal attraction and the surge in admiration as you talk it out like adults.
I have a lot of insights into this situation because I have experienced it from many different perspectives in my own personal relationships. I have been the other man, the wronged husband and the confused love both when the relationship survived and when it moved on. I can honestly say that to this day I am friends with all who were ever involved in these messes.
I try to help out people in similar situations because it makes the pain I have experienced a lot more worth having endured.
The other person always has the potential for a leak and suddenly you begin to wonder who knows and are they looking at you funny. Of course just the paranoia can make them look at you funny so that confirms your suspicions that they are treating you differently.
Before I found out about my wife's moment of stupidity I had quite innocently and by accident found myself making a quip about guys not having a sense of humor about infidelity. He could have easily thought I knew and spilled his guts. I am glad he didn't because I would not have wanted to find out like that.
You are right that you need to find some resolution. However you cannot expect him to never say anything to his wife even though he may prefer to keep the secret right now. Circumstances change. However you really don't want to spend the rest of your life worrying that it might come out one day.
You really should avoid being alone with the other man to discuss this. Don't underestimate the animal attraction and the surge in admiration as you talk it out like adults.
I have a lot of insights into this situation because I have experienced it from many different perspectives in my own personal relationships. I have been the other man, the wronged husband and the confused love both when the relationship survived and when it moved on. I can honestly say that to this day I am friends with all who were ever involved in these messes.
I try to help out people in similar situations because it makes the pain I have experienced a lot more worth having endured.
Thanks beso
Yes, maybe you are right, I should avoid being alone with him. I do really need some answers from him though as certain things are driving me crazy.
I can't avoid him idefinately however, as our children are friends. His wife doesn't always take them to school and clubs etc - sometimes he does - and sometimes we may be alone at those times, although there are always other people milling about so it would be awkward to talk about personal things then.
The whole business has become awkward to be frank. I can't move away which would be the best solution!
I think maybe he has taken the decision anyway to distance himself from me and so it's just something I must accept.
Yes, maybe you are right, I should avoid being alone with him. I do really need some answers from him though as certain things are driving me crazy.
I can't avoid him idefinately however, as our children are friends. His wife doesn't always take them to school and clubs etc - sometimes he does - and sometimes we may be alone at those times, although there are always other people milling about so it would be awkward to talk about personal things then.
The whole business has become awkward to be frank. I can't move away which would be the best solution!
I think maybe he has taken the decision anyway to distance himself from me and so it's just something I must accept.
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