ChatterBank1 min ago
settling or compromising?
71 Answers
pls help, my head is messed up!
as some of you know, new man has been around for a few months. I like him, he makes me laugh, he is kind, caring, generous etc.. but he also has dismissed some of my opinions, rubbished my choice of tv programme, not been prepared to try foodie things I like. we have discussed these things and he sees that he has made mistakes, and has apologised.
I like seeing him but don't get that feeling of butterflies that I'd like. he's not drop-dead gorgeous but quite pleasant looking. his confidence is low, which I just don't find attractive. we've also not done the deed, because he's just not managed it!
so, when does compromising become settling? I'd hate to think anyone "settled" for me! I've been on my own for a long time and I hate it, but I'm not sure that this is what I was hoping for. should I be compromising and accept that life isn't perfect, or wait for something fab that just may not arrive?
as some of you know, new man has been around for a few months. I like him, he makes me laugh, he is kind, caring, generous etc.. but he also has dismissed some of my opinions, rubbished my choice of tv programme, not been prepared to try foodie things I like. we have discussed these things and he sees that he has made mistakes, and has apologised.
I like seeing him but don't get that feeling of butterflies that I'd like. he's not drop-dead gorgeous but quite pleasant looking. his confidence is low, which I just don't find attractive. we've also not done the deed, because he's just not managed it!
so, when does compromising become settling? I'd hate to think anyone "settled" for me! I've been on my own for a long time and I hate it, but I'm not sure that this is what I was hoping for. should I be compromising and accept that life isn't perfect, or wait for something fab that just may not arrive?
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Okay. So ...
Once in your life, you might meet someone who you feel was put on this Earth for you, that you were born for each other, and that you will both die if you can't be together. You can't explain why, but everything is right between you. You feel ill when the person isn't with you and, when you are near each other, your heart pounds like your chest is going to burst.
But ... how often does that happen in real life? There is probably a man like that for you, out there somewhere. But it will be a chance in a million if the two of you ever meet. We have to play the cards that fate deals for us. Just ... don't be too hasty. We all want The Best Man In The World. But we make our relationships with The Best Man We've Met.
sara, I want to say more, but I'm in floods of tears here. I'm sorry Sassy, I'll do the rest another time.
Just take your time before you make any decision.
Once in your life, you might meet someone who you feel was put on this Earth for you, that you were born for each other, and that you will both die if you can't be together. You can't explain why, but everything is right between you. You feel ill when the person isn't with you and, when you are near each other, your heart pounds like your chest is going to burst.
But ... how often does that happen in real life? There is probably a man like that for you, out there somewhere. But it will be a chance in a million if the two of you ever meet. We have to play the cards that fate deals for us. Just ... don't be too hasty. We all want The Best Man In The World. But we make our relationships with The Best Man We've Met.
sara, I want to say more, but I'm in floods of tears here. I'm sorry Sassy, I'll do the rest another time.
Just take your time before you make any decision.
My feeling is that the holiday would be a bad idea. If what you say about the things that irritate you are true (and of course, they are) then being with him 14/7 on holiday will only make those feelings worse, and you'll get more and more irritated.
You'll end up hating being with him, which isn't what you need (or him). It seems the holiday offer is a desparate way of him wanting to keep you. He must feel things are wrong (yes, even men have feelings) and this is his way of trying to put it right. Holidays rarely make relationships better, unless they are pretty solid in the first place.
That's only my opinion - you may already be out buying the sunglasses and bikini!
You'll end up hating being with him, which isn't what you need (or him). It seems the holiday offer is a desparate way of him wanting to keep you. He must feel things are wrong (yes, even men have feelings) and this is his way of trying to put it right. Holidays rarely make relationships better, unless they are pretty solid in the first place.
That's only my opinion - you may already be out buying the sunglasses and bikini!
Phooooooo, okay, okay, deep breath.
Okay. The chances of you meeting The One For You are really small. ANd if you do, the chances of it being in the right place at the right time are even smaller. I met a guy a few years ago, and it was like finding the missing piece of a jigsaw. We were put on this Earth to be together, no question. We should have spent our lives together. But, before we met, he had already met and married a friend of a friend, and they had a little son. I knew he was Mr Right, The One, but I couldn't contemplate being with someone at the expense of his family.
So we are just friends. We joke about it, but that's all. And the person I eventually spend the rest of my life with will be Mr Second Best. I hope he will be kind, and sexy, and wonderful, and I hope that we will love each other with a fierce passion. But he is not going to be The One, because I've already met The One, but it was the wrong time and place.
I'm losing my train of thought, but I think the point is that compromises are sometimes forced upon us. But if we are true to our principles, and true to our friends in my case, then we somehow make the right decision. even if we don't know it's the right decision at the time.
Okay. The chances of you meeting The One For You are really small. ANd if you do, the chances of it being in the right place at the right time are even smaller. I met a guy a few years ago, and it was like finding the missing piece of a jigsaw. We were put on this Earth to be together, no question. We should have spent our lives together. But, before we met, he had already met and married a friend of a friend, and they had a little son. I knew he was Mr Right, The One, but I couldn't contemplate being with someone at the expense of his family.
So we are just friends. We joke about it, but that's all. And the person I eventually spend the rest of my life with will be Mr Second Best. I hope he will be kind, and sexy, and wonderful, and I hope that we will love each other with a fierce passion. But he is not going to be The One, because I've already met The One, but it was the wrong time and place.
I'm losing my train of thought, but I think the point is that compromises are sometimes forced upon us. But if we are true to our principles, and true to our friends in my case, then we somehow make the right decision. even if we don't know it's the right decision at the time.
but that's so sad. I've met 2 men in my life that have done that "wow" thing to me.
one passed through work but I could have passed out every time I saw him. he was on marriage no. 2, 1st wife died in a car accident, 2nd wife much younger, beautiful and they had young kids.
the other was emotional f*cked (his words, I recall and he was right) and just didn't know what he wanted.
I know that if I was with someone and one of these 2 turned up, my knees would turn to jelly and any relationship would be stuffed.
I guess if it's happened twice there just may be a third. fingers crossed for both of us x
PS - have sent you a friend req on FB. if it's not you, well someone is in for a surprise!
one passed through work but I could have passed out every time I saw him. he was on marriage no. 2, 1st wife died in a car accident, 2nd wife much younger, beautiful and they had young kids.
the other was emotional f*cked (his words, I recall and he was right) and just didn't know what he wanted.
I know that if I was with someone and one of these 2 turned up, my knees would turn to jelly and any relationship would be stuffed.
I guess if it's happened twice there just may be a third. fingers crossed for both of us x
PS - have sent you a friend req on FB. if it's not you, well someone is in for a surprise!
I've never done FB. You may find a nice friend, LOL
It would be so wonderful if Mr No. 3 stumbled into your life Sassy.
Fingers crossed for you (although that doesn't really help with the question that started this thread).
I think I'm going to go for a run. I need to get sweaty.
BTW, since I've renamed my ex "Pencil Dick", I don't seem to miss him too much :-))
Be good. x
It would be so wonderful if Mr No. 3 stumbled into your life Sassy.
Fingers crossed for you (although that doesn't really help with the question that started this thread).
I think I'm going to go for a run. I need to get sweaty.
BTW, since I've renamed my ex "Pencil Dick", I don't seem to miss him too much :-))
Be good. x
The trouble with the butterflies feeling that you're referring to is it does indeed mean that it's the real thing, and the only problem with that is when the other person decides that they no longer want to be in that relationship with you.
I've know 3 women 9(sadly two at the same time) who gave me butterflies like that, and the other week I saw my ex wife for the first time in over a year, with her new man, pregnant and happy and tbh it tore me to smithereens, so I can assure you that if I ever get the chance to settle for someone ncie, pleasant, caring and who ticks MOST of the boxes except the butterflies one, i'll jump at it, because even when the preson is the right person for you, you risk so much of yourself when you love that deeply that the bad is in danger of outweighing the good very often.
If I were you, I'd spend some serious time with him, being deadly honest, no-one's perfect, but a person that loves you and tries hard for you has to be a serious consideration in the real world.
I've know 3 women 9(sadly two at the same time) who gave me butterflies like that, and the other week I saw my ex wife for the first time in over a year, with her new man, pregnant and happy and tbh it tore me to smithereens, so I can assure you that if I ever get the chance to settle for someone ncie, pleasant, caring and who ticks MOST of the boxes except the butterflies one, i'll jump at it, because even when the preson is the right person for you, you risk so much of yourself when you love that deeply that the bad is in danger of outweighing the good very often.
If I were you, I'd spend some serious time with him, being deadly honest, no-one's perfect, but a person that loves you and tries hard for you has to be a serious consideration in the real world.
-- answer removed --
Just read this quickly cos I am off to bed in a mo.
I basically agree with weeal and shellp. Sounds to me like you are the one settling, and if there are too many differences there, it isn't worth it.
I'm 50 odd, lonely as hell sometimes, but the one thing I do know by now is that I'd rather be unhappy on my own than unhappy in a "make do" relattionship.
I've basically given up even trying now, and make it known that that I am more interested in knowing them as mates rather than romantically - if they become good mates, then who knows?
I basically agree with weeal and shellp. Sounds to me like you are the one settling, and if there are too many differences there, it isn't worth it.
I'm 50 odd, lonely as hell sometimes, but the one thing I do know by now is that I'd rather be unhappy on my own than unhappy in a "make do" relattionship.
I've basically given up even trying now, and make it known that that I am more interested in knowing them as mates rather than romantically - if they become good mates, then who knows?
Like joggerjayne (who has been a revelation on here tonight!!), I've been keeping an eye on this thread. I've seen your earlier questions, and the amount of reasssurance you're looking for from us is enormous. I think you know that this is not going to be 'the one', but because he seems to be so needy, you feel like you owe it to be nice to him. Him kissing you makes you cringe..that speaks volumes!!
I'm on my own (not through choice) but I'd rather it that way than feel obliged to someone who I knew wasn't right..
Sorry if this isn't the positive response you're looking for, but in my humble opinion, let him go and embrace single life and you'll both be happier in the long run..
I'm on my own (not through choice) but I'd rather it that way than feel obliged to someone who I knew wasn't right..
Sorry if this isn't the positive response you're looking for, but in my humble opinion, let him go and embrace single life and you'll both be happier in the long run..
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