Dating with age gap

[mookey1958]

My daughter is 17.5 dating a 25 year old guy. I have met him and like him and have made my concerns and my rules very clear. My daughter had a very bad experience with a 17 year old boy and does not like to be with any one her own age. She is very responsible, graduated one year early from high school and is starting college in August. I have friends and family questioning my decision, but I feel that if I forbid, she will go behind my back anyway. My thought is that if I can keep and open and honest relationship with them then I am more likely to be aware of what is going on. Opinions?

[spheric]

Without knowing either of the two people in question, I can't make any sort of judgement on how likely they are to respect your boundaries.

Coming down hard would almost certainly cause problems, and would probably increase the likelihood of things going on behind your back. My instinct also says, however, that if the pair of them have decided what they want to do, then whatever line you take isn't likely to stop them from doing it.

The only question is, how can you make sure that whatever happens your daughter comes to you when (or if) she needs help, - and I think you've taken the right line for that.

[888sally888]

I think you have handled this situation very well and as well as you could have.

I must admit i would not be happy if my daughter (18) was dating someone older but the main factor to me would be that he was a decent man who took good care of my daughter.

If you disapprove too much, she will no doubt go behind your back and then the all important lines of communication will be broken.

Go with you gut instinct as a mother - we DO know best.

[sara3]

I think she is an adult and can make her own decisions, and you have to "be there" for her. if he's a nice guy he might have a better idea than a 17 yr old as to how to treat her and look after her.

she sounds sensible, you like him. can't we just wish them luck?

I appreciate that when my 14 yr old daughter gets to that age, I may feel differently.. but what makes them happy makes them happy, and isn't that what it's all about?

[bednobs]

tbh my opinion is you dont really have a right to set down rules - she is an adult!

i'll never understand why people think age gaps are so terrible - when i was 17 i was going out with a 33 year old i have just always preferred older men.
bugger the friends and family - only she knows whats right for her

[obNOXious]

I agree she's way too old for you to be setting rules for her, let her live, make her own mistakes if there are any and be there for her with ADVICE ( not rules) and support. This man may be wholely suitable for her, I went out with a much younger girl when in my mid 30's and certainly meant her no harm, likewise I have been out with women far older than me. Age is irrelevant, it's the type of person your daughter's boyfriend is that's important and if she likes him then that's all that really matters, doesn't matter what you, I, or anyone else thinks.

[ethanryan]

hi when me and my partner got together i was 18 he was 21 with a 1 year old son. my mom hit the roof sayin he wasnt good enough for me and that he is just going through a bad patch with the childs mother. she didnt like the idea that he had a child and didnt want me involved in it. we argued non stop her telling me that i wasnt allowed to see him so instead i got a flat with him after being together 5 weeks just to be able to spend time with him without mom moaning. again she hit the roof but we wasnt backin down, he made me happy and nothing was going to stop it. after she seen i was haapy and she was pushing me away from tryin to stop me, she backed down, we agreed that if i moved back home then she would get off my back and stop tryin to break us up. 5 years later we are still very happy together with 2 little boys.
i didnt want to be in the flat afyer such a short time together but in my eyes my moms moaning and nagging drove me to it.
my advice is let do what she feels is right and if dont work out then be there to pick up the pieces without saying i told you so, have a chat with her tell her your concerns, but that your happy if she is happy. if you put any pressure on you will push her away.be her friend and she will turn to you when she has problems.

[Oneeyedvic]

Can only echo the previous posts - you seem to have done exactly the right thing.

My wife is over 20 years older than me - we will have been married for years in October and lived together for 7 years prior to that.

As an aside, my wife always let her children bring back their partners and even bought my son in law a double bed - on the basis he was obviously going to have sex. Better that he do it in the house with a drawer full of condoms than in the back of a parked car somewhere without adequate protection. Didn't need to do this with daughter in law since she left to live with her dad at 16.

[helpmepls]

As you know...she'll do want she wants anyway. But I really feel if you asked her to read some of these comments....it could help her look at things the right way. I think age gaps are ok when were talking about a 53 yr lady who's just met a 60yr old man or something simular. If she met him when she is 25 then than would be ok. Its simply because she is still a child & he is a grown man that makes it wrong. I wonder why a 25 yr old man would want to date a child? I look at 17 yr old's & they just stand out as kids still....although when i was 17 i felt i was a women. I'm 27 now.......2 yrs ago when i was 25 I would never even speak to someone that young......dont get the attraction. Tell her from me....it wont last. Sorry. x

[LoftyLottie]

I had a boyfriend of 21 when I was 16 and that was 40 years ago. No-one saw it as a problem! I never ever had a boyfriend of my own age when I was young as I found young lads really boring and childish.

I find it perfectly normal for a girl of 17/18 to have a boyfriend of 25. Girls are often a lot more mature than boys anyway. I would be more worried if her boyfriend was 40!

I don't think your friends and family should have any say in the matter.

You have met him, you like him - I see no problem at all, and to be honest at 17.5 years old I don't think the relationship needs parental approval.

[LoftyLottie]

PS Maturity isn't just judged by age. Some people are very mature at 17, others can be totally immature at 25! Age is just a number.

[LoftyLottie]

To be honest, I would rather my 17 year old daughter go out with a 25 year old responsible man than a lot of the young lads I see about nowadays!

[helpmepls]

Its fairly obvious it depends on the people involved....No 17yr old is the same as the next.....thats obvious!!!!

I just think on average its a bit odd that a 25 yr old man wants to date someone that age????? I do not think this relationship will last........they are at different stages in their live's. He, I'd imagine would want marriage & kids within the nxt 5 yrs.......she'll still be into going out with friends etc! The gap isnt the problem as I'v previously said.....its the age she is at now-at the time of meeting him!

I know for a fact there would be a very different amount of opinions if we were talking about a women of 25 dating a 17yr old! How wrong!!!!!

[elaine33]

I was 16 when I met my husband, he was 26. My mother had concerns about us going out together but because he was older she was able to talk to him and made known her concerns, he respected her honesty and respected me. We have now been married for 35 years. the 10 year age gap no longer shows or seems as bad as it sounded all those years ago.
You have done exactly the right thing and as long as you keep up with the communication with everyone concerned I am sure all will be well.

[cheries]

I'm not sure I agree with Bednobs;
"****** the friends and family - only she knows whats right for her "
Certianly at 17 I don't know if I knew exactly what I wanted / needed / what was best for me. I certainly made some mistakes and, looking back, my Mum and Dad tried to steer me in the right direction without being Draconian. I agree that you need guidelines rather than rules, particularly with someone who is dating an older guy.
For what it's worth, I think you're doing exactly the right thing in keeping her close enough to monitor the situation; letting her run free and "****** the friends and family" is not a safe or family-friendly option.

[cheries]

* Certainly

[helpmepls]

Its clear that the only people FOR IT are those who themselves have age gaps in their own relationships? Its obvious theres always an exception to the rule, so I'm sure it can work at times...but you guys, I feel, are the minority not the majority? On average it wont work.....I think you'll agree I have a fair point? Your opinions are also slightly bias as you all have age gaps....so, feel the need to OK this situation as you'd be a hypercrit to say anything else....