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ChatterBank1 min ago
Ladies am I just over reacting?
48 Answers
Am I just being Paranoid and argumentative? My Fiance comes into contact with a variety of females through work, who he has added on Facebook. He often chats to a couple of them in the evenings on the site and they tend to tell him all their problems.
For the past few weeks, he has been keen to attend a 40th Birthday party of one of these women. I didn't want to go, as I didn't know her. Anyway, I was pushed into going and when we got there, this woman, who's birthday it was, just blanked us, so we left soon after. I couldn't understand why he would want to go in the first place and now have it in my head that it must be because he fancies her.
The problem is, I don't think he should be engaging these women in conversation and allowing them to tell him their problems, as this means the working realtionship is moving onto another level. He doesn't chat to men online, just these women.
I have read the transcripts of these conversations and there is nothing of a sexual nature, (although one did slag me off a bit) they appear to be telling him their problems and he comes across as being a listner, adding advice here and there. I just feel he talks more in depth to these women than he does to me.
Am I just being oversensitive because I'm pregnant? Would other women feel the same as me?
For the past few weeks, he has been keen to attend a 40th Birthday party of one of these women. I didn't want to go, as I didn't know her. Anyway, I was pushed into going and when we got there, this woman, who's birthday it was, just blanked us, so we left soon after. I couldn't understand why he would want to go in the first place and now have it in my head that it must be because he fancies her.
The problem is, I don't think he should be engaging these women in conversation and allowing them to tell him their problems, as this means the working realtionship is moving onto another level. He doesn't chat to men online, just these women.
I have read the transcripts of these conversations and there is nothing of a sexual nature, (although one did slag me off a bit) they appear to be telling him their problems and he comes across as being a listner, adding advice here and there. I just feel he talks more in depth to these women than he does to me.
Am I just being oversensitive because I'm pregnant? Would other women feel the same as me?
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Every relationship has different levels of what is and what isn't acceptable. You're clearly not comfortable with this so something has to change.
You can't stop him doing anything, but you can have your say and you can explain to him that you would like some attention and reassurance from him. He also needs to understand that whilst chatting to these ladies, he shouldn't be letting them say anything against you without challenging it, if there's nothing in it.
Pregnant or not, he should have enough respect for you to stop what he's doing if it makes you uncomfortable.
You can't stop him doing anything, but you can have your say and you can explain to him that you would like some attention and reassurance from him. He also needs to understand that whilst chatting to these ladies, he shouldn't be letting them say anything against you without challenging it, if there's nothing in it.
Pregnant or not, he should have enough respect for you to stop what he's doing if it makes you uncomfortable.
There's a point, do you read his chat history or just the wall and private messages?
Men are worse than women to understand. I've been in a similar situation and it's so hard because you want to trust him and you don't want to control or check up on anything but when there's something that doesn't sit right, it eats away until the truth comes out.. even if it does turn out to be innocent and you end up looking like a total idiot. - not that mine turned out that way.
Men are worse than women to understand. I've been in a similar situation and it's so hard because you want to trust him and you don't want to control or check up on anything but when there's something that doesn't sit right, it eats away until the truth comes out.. even if it does turn out to be innocent and you end up looking like a total idiot. - not that mine turned out that way.
I realise that Velvetee only sought advice from women but wouldn't it make sense to hear a bit of balance?
The fact is very few men will speak openly about emotional matters. Even fewer men will listen. Men who are in touch with their feelings often find themselves talking quite deeply with women. It doesn't mean they want to have sex with them.
For the women, the chance to hear the perspective of the rare man who will articulate emotionally it is irresistable. Women's prejudices about men being incapable of emotional connection make talking with a man like this feel like communicating with an alien being.
Not only does it provide insights into a man's psyche, these men are frequently exceptional listeners compared to their female friends and far less likely to divulge what they hear to others or use it against them.
This may come as a surprise some but in general women are actually very poor listeners when it comes to emotional matters. This is because women tend to be somewhat emotionally self obsessed. Their inability to hear about men's feelings contributes greatly to the perception by most women that men are not in touch with their emotions.
When it comes to the men in their life, women rarely listen at all, constantly turning the conversation around to their own feelings. Many a man has abandonned a relationship because the woman has become incapable of listening.
The fact is very few men will speak openly about emotional matters. Even fewer men will listen. Men who are in touch with their feelings often find themselves talking quite deeply with women. It doesn't mean they want to have sex with them.
For the women, the chance to hear the perspective of the rare man who will articulate emotionally it is irresistable. Women's prejudices about men being incapable of emotional connection make talking with a man like this feel like communicating with an alien being.
Not only does it provide insights into a man's psyche, these men are frequently exceptional listeners compared to their female friends and far less likely to divulge what they hear to others or use it against them.
This may come as a surprise some but in general women are actually very poor listeners when it comes to emotional matters. This is because women tend to be somewhat emotionally self obsessed. Their inability to hear about men's feelings contributes greatly to the perception by most women that men are not in touch with their emotions.
When it comes to the men in their life, women rarely listen at all, constantly turning the conversation around to their own feelings. Many a man has abandonned a relationship because the woman has become incapable of listening.
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Velvetee should look at her own contribution to the situation where she feels her man talks in more depth with these other women than he does with her. What is she not providing in the relationship? That she only sought feedback from women in this question is a potential indicator of her inability to connect with men at an emotional level.
Velvetee, you need to treasure your emotionally capable man. Think back and you will probably remember that his emotional eloquence is what drew you to him in the first place. Stop being obsessed with your reaction to his female friends and start providing him with more interaction at that level yourself. Avoid the mistake of making it all about your feelings.
Asserting posession over him will never succeed. Seek to cripple him by cutting him off from female interaction and he will be gone with one of those women. It isn't his fault that they snub you. They just wish he was theirs.
Velvetee should look at her own contribution to the situation where she feels her man talks in more depth with these other women than he does with her. What is she not providing in the relationship? That she only sought feedback from women in this question is a potential indicator of her inability to connect with men at an emotional level.
Velvetee, you need to treasure your emotionally capable man. Think back and you will probably remember that his emotional eloquence is what drew you to him in the first place. Stop being obsessed with your reaction to his female friends and start providing him with more interaction at that level yourself. Avoid the mistake of making it all about your feelings.
Asserting posession over him will never succeed. Seek to cripple him by cutting him off from female interaction and he will be gone with one of those women. It isn't his fault that they snub you. They just wish he was theirs.
I think its really unfair to say that if something he does makes you uncomfortable he should stop it. If hes being open and honest then I think you have to trust him. And I have to agree with China that logging on and looking through his chat logs isn't plesant, he's going to feel like you dont trust him and he'll feel pushed away. I know I would.
He may just be being a wee bit naive? I went to a work training one time and this bloke from there who we'd had a bit of a laugh with got in touch with me after. I told my bloke all about it and was quite pleased to have a new friend. he thought it was well dodgy but I didn't see it. But I still told my bloke everytime he got in touch etc as I had nothing to hide from him. In the end turned out he was right, I was thick as mice and the bloke was a bit creepy. I just didn't see it. But I would have been well peed off if my bloke had expected me not to speak to him cos he didn't like it. Maybe it will dawn on yours after a wee while if the ladies are after anything inappropriate and he will learn from it :o)
He may just be being a wee bit naive? I went to a work training one time and this bloke from there who we'd had a bit of a laugh with got in touch with me after. I told my bloke all about it and was quite pleased to have a new friend. he thought it was well dodgy but I didn't see it. But I still told my bloke everytime he got in touch etc as I had nothing to hide from him. In the end turned out he was right, I was thick as mice and the bloke was a bit creepy. I just didn't see it. But I would have been well peed off if my bloke had expected me not to speak to him cos he didn't like it. Maybe it will dawn on yours after a wee while if the ladies are after anything inappropriate and he will learn from it :o)
Well, as a mere male, I think you are being a bit oversensitive about him chatting to these women. It's not always possible, when at work, to talk to someone in depth about your problems with someone who will genuinely listen, and while a some of them may fancy him a bit, I doubt that he has any such feelings towards them. Mind you, he may well be feeling a bit flattered that they do tell him their problems, but that's not the same as him wanting to get into their knickers !
I chat exclusively to women on a couple of messengers. Mostly it's light, silly stuff, sometimes it's a case of me listening to their problems, and occasionally I do flirt with them.
I also tell my wife about what is going on in the lives of the people I chat to and have met three of them in real life for coffee and a chat. One person I chat to now and then has refused point blank to meet me in real life because she knows I am married and will not meet with anyone who is married or attached.
Now, I do know that my wife worries a bit about the possibility that something more than chatting will develop, and I do my best to reassure her even though I know that she will still fret about it a little. And in real life I do get told off whenever my wife feels I have been flirting with someone when she is with me. Please note the word feels there ... I do not and would not do anything like that deliberately.
I chat exclusively to women on a couple of messengers. Mostly it's light, silly stuff, sometimes it's a case of me listening to their problems, and occasionally I do flirt with them.
I also tell my wife about what is going on in the lives of the people I chat to and have met three of them in real life for coffee and a chat. One person I chat to now and then has refused point blank to meet me in real life because she knows I am married and will not meet with anyone who is married or attached.
Now, I do know that my wife worries a bit about the possibility that something more than chatting will develop, and I do my best to reassure her even though I know that she will still fret about it a little. And in real life I do get told off whenever my wife feels I have been flirting with someone when she is with me. Please note the word feels there ... I do not and would not do anything like that deliberately.
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Thanks for all your comments. I'm sorry Huderon, but meeting other women when you are married, does not seem right to me. I would also say flirting is completely inappropriate.
Your wife is very understanding, if not too trusting. I wonder is she feels very hurt by these actions, but is unable to tell you what she really thinks. Having read your post, I now realise just how lucky I am, as I would not tolerate this kind of thing.
There must be lots of women who's partner's get kicks from chatting up women online. I guess at least my Fiance is known to these women and isn't meeting them for coffee alone without me. So it really has been useful to get the male point of view too.
Your wife is very understanding, if not too trusting. I wonder is she feels very hurt by these actions, but is unable to tell you what she really thinks. Having read your post, I now realise just how lucky I am, as I would not tolerate this kind of thing.
There must be lots of women who's partner's get kicks from chatting up women online. I guess at least my Fiance is known to these women and isn't meeting them for coffee alone without me. So it really has been useful to get the male point of view too.
Velvetee, where two of the people I've met are concerned, my wife was with me at the time and did say that she liked them afterwards. The third turned out to be someone I was helping to train, and I only realised who she was when I met her husband - though she had sent me some of her wedding photos I didn't recognise her when I met her for real, but her husband's looks were very distinctive and I was sensible enough not to raise the matter when he was present.
What I think of as flirting and what my wife thinks of as flirting are quite different. As I said, I would not deliberately flirt with someone else when she was around, but there are times when she does think I'm flirting when I'm not (not that that will make much sense). And when that happens I do get told off quite firmly.
When I flirt on line, it is usually done to lighten a conversation which ahs become a bit heavy or to raise a friend's spirits when she is feeling really low. I am aware that people see flirting in different lights, and quite understand taht you would be very upset if your man did things like that.
I could simply have said your man was a complete idiot for behaving the way he does (actually I do think he is being very stupid and insensitive), but men and women do see things differently sometimes. When I got married, almost all of my friends were women (they are far more interesting than men, and a lot easier on the eye). To cut out any worries my wife might have had about that, I cut myself off from almost all of them, which was a serious mistake on my part.
What I think of as flirting and what my wife thinks of as flirting are quite different. As I said, I would not deliberately flirt with someone else when she was around, but there are times when she does think I'm flirting when I'm not (not that that will make much sense). And when that happens I do get told off quite firmly.
When I flirt on line, it is usually done to lighten a conversation which ahs become a bit heavy or to raise a friend's spirits when she is feeling really low. I am aware that people see flirting in different lights, and quite understand taht you would be very upset if your man did things like that.
I could simply have said your man was a complete idiot for behaving the way he does (actually I do think he is being very stupid and insensitive), but men and women do see things differently sometimes. When I got married, almost all of my friends were women (they are far more interesting than men, and a lot easier on the eye). To cut out any worries my wife might have had about that, I cut myself off from almost all of them, which was a serious mistake on my part.
Ran out of space, so I'll finish it off here
My first wedding anniversary was spent taking my wife out for an afternoon at the theatre from the local psychiatric hospital. She had to be admitted there after the birth of our first child, and I was one of the people who ahd to sign the papers to put her there. At that time I had no close friends for support, and I was doing my best to spend as much time as possible with my wife and baby as well as trying to keep my mother-in-law from worrying about it all. At least when our second child was born I knew what to expect, though explaining what was going on to a 3yo was not easy. If anything was going to make me walk out, that would have been it.
These days most of my close friends are only ever seen on line, though one or two also get taken out for a cofee occasionally, and frankly if I flirt with them occasionally and enjoy it, I see no harm in that and really don't give a hoot what anyone else thinks about it.
My first wedding anniversary was spent taking my wife out for an afternoon at the theatre from the local psychiatric hospital. She had to be admitted there after the birth of our first child, and I was one of the people who ahd to sign the papers to put her there. At that time I had no close friends for support, and I was doing my best to spend as much time as possible with my wife and baby as well as trying to keep my mother-in-law from worrying about it all. At least when our second child was born I knew what to expect, though explaining what was going on to a 3yo was not easy. If anything was going to make me walk out, that would have been it.
These days most of my close friends are only ever seen on line, though one or two also get taken out for a cofee occasionally, and frankly if I flirt with them occasionally and enjoy it, I see no harm in that and really don't give a hoot what anyone else thinks about it.
I would not be happy with this, what I would like to know is, why is he sitting talking/listening to them when he has you in the same house!!!!
My motto is, if someone doesnt understand, MAKE THEM! Which I did precisely this the other month...My fella went out to an 80's night thing with his mates, when he come back he was drunk telling me how he had chatted with loads of people, asked him if he talked to any women and he said no, I said I didnt believe him and he ended up tellin me that he chatted with a woman for around 20 mins!!!! I was F*kin furious, a row started and I thought, right if you dont understand how im feeling about that ill make ya....the following week me and a mate were planning a girls night in, a few vinos, girly chats and laughs...I told him I was going into town for the night, pubs and finishing off with clubs, a few days later he was asking me about the night and I told him we were chatting to 2 blokes....he sat there eyes full of water and then proceeded to go ballistic pmsl, had the cheak to smash a glass up the wall and put a hole in it and kicked the front door before he walked out of it...at that point I told him I didnt even go out and explained my motto...I said he should treat people how he expects to be treated and so on....think he got the jist!!!
My motto is, if someone doesnt understand, MAKE THEM! Which I did precisely this the other month...My fella went out to an 80's night thing with his mates, when he come back he was drunk telling me how he had chatted with loads of people, asked him if he talked to any women and he said no, I said I didnt believe him and he ended up tellin me that he chatted with a woman for around 20 mins!!!! I was F*kin furious, a row started and I thought, right if you dont understand how im feeling about that ill make ya....the following week me and a mate were planning a girls night in, a few vinos, girly chats and laughs...I told him I was going into town for the night, pubs and finishing off with clubs, a few days later he was asking me about the night and I told him we were chatting to 2 blokes....he sat there eyes full of water and then proceeded to go ballistic pmsl, had the cheak to smash a glass up the wall and put a hole in it and kicked the front door before he walked out of it...at that point I told him I didnt even go out and explained my motto...I said he should treat people how he expects to be treated and so on....think he got the jist!!!
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