Any relationship advisers or consellors out there!!!

[lostsoul28]

I am a female & I have been in a relationship for about 9 years and it began quite badly with lies to my partner (male) I was quite young but he forgave a lot of stuff as I hurt him a lot.

During the realtionship he found out stuff i never told him and so that was a strain too.

I have tried my best in the relationship but we have had a lot of arguments on trust, loyalty etc. Half way through he has been physically abusive to me and it has been on & off. In the last couple of months We've been arguing again regarding past issues and other things as it appears I am doing things to make him angry, upset etc

I have now said, like i have said in the past, I need counselling but he said I need to try to help myself first which i have done but I feel its not working which i have told him but he still thinks its still all down to me to help myself....He feels an outsider won't do anything....

How can I convince him otherwise? Thanks in advance

[weeal]

If youve been lying (and hiding things) and he has been abusive physically there doesnt seem much hope really, you are fueling each others fires and it will keep going on like that.

[poltergeist]

i am a bit like your fella and once someone has lied to me all the trust vanishes and nothing will come back. however if you like someone you stay with them and this can lead to very horrible arguments about the past. BTW i have neer been violent.

This means that you are the two very wrong people to be together. im sure we all hide certain aspects of our past sdo its not all your fault.

after he has got violent is there any time where you have felt truelly happy with him?

[zzxxee]

you need help with working out why you li.. but that does not in anyway excuse your boyfriend to hit you He has the bigger problem to sort out not you...You both need time apart to see councilers seperatley and not see each other whilst your having councilling and when you feel good about yourself sort out what you want to do from there

[carmalee]

lost soul -its not your fault your partner resorts to violence -in life we all do things which upset other people ,sometimes bad things but there is never, ever an excuse for physical violence -what he is doing is trying to undermind you into believing you are to blame for his behaviour -you are not - he is responsible for his actions and no-one else. whatever the reasons his physical violence towards you is wrong and needs to be stopped now. he needs help over this, it won't stop unless he acknowledges this fact.
you obviously know what's happening isn't right or you wouldn't have posted this -contact an organisation dealing with domestic violence who will advise and help you, speak with your GP, Church, family member, friend but do it now as this problem won't just go away.

[lostsoul28]

Thanks for your replys and advice. My partner in the last few weeks has actually acknowledged his violence towards me & has said he will never do it again.
In a way I believe him but I have said what if I do something to trigger it?! He said he will control himself.

Also I wanted to speak with our priest for help as well as counselling but he is reluctant too........

[Ice.Maiden]

You can go for counselling on your own you know, lostsoul. If your partner sees you doing this, he might agree to go along with you at some stage, but your relationship sounds hopeless as it is now. Even if you decide to go your seperate ways, the counselling should provide you with some insight, but as you're now finding out, lies don't do anyone any good, and you'll never have the love and trust that you'd like until you can learn to be honest with yourself - and others. x

[jno]

very good answer from Ice.Maiden. There are really two different issues here - lack of honesty on your part and violence on his. They aren't connected. The fact that you lied to him can never justify him in hitting you. You both need to sort yourselves out but as Ice said it needn't be done as a couple; you each have your own problems to deal with.

[pinktwink]

in reading this there are two issues. Firstly perhaps you do need to attend counselling first. Your partner is right in saying you need to resolve your own issues first and then perhaps work on the couple issues. It may help to involve him inyour counselling like he could attend some sessions as a support to you. The basis of any relationship is honesty and this is something you have found hard for some reason. Perhaps helping your partner understand why you find it hard to trust or feel their are aspects of your life you need to hide may help.
Secondly the physicsal abuse is totally not on in my view. This is something no woman should tolerate or accept.

[Nannyjill]

The longer you stay in a violent relationship the harder it is to end it.

Once you have children it gets harder.

[Tisha33]

May be a different view

I'm not saying that violence is ok or even acceptable but i guess your man have a LOAD of issues he needs to sort out so i would never condoning before knowing; however you know.

Is it that you are both very very ****** up and will always be as you are or can you find a way to be better people? you have both made mistakes; and i am sure he would say your lies hurt more than any slap....(still not condoning) just trying to understand.........

basicly i think you already know what is right !?!?!??! and you can point him in the right direction for help but if he doesnt want help ....he has to live with himself.

You are a smart girl and you know you can do better! you're not his keeper!!!
xxxxx love and peace

[tamborine]

Do you love him for himself - regardless of his baggage? Yes - then he should love you the same way.

If he has issues about you - he doesn't love you; so dump him. Dont waste another 9 years.

[lostsoul28]

The worst thing also about all this which I haven't mentioned is we are intending to marry in July........do you think we would have enough time to resolve our issues by then......?

[brenda]

I'm sorry to disagree with the previous answers .I don't think you need counselling at all.I think your partner does.

You need a bit of get up and go --out of this relationship , before you end up really battered or at the end dead.

All you are getting out of this relationship at the moment is heartbreak and bruises.

Surely you are worth more than that.

The remedy is in your hands .

[jno]

lostsoul - well, you might do, but it can be a mistake to try and sort things out to a deadline. Seriously, I'd postpone the date. Marrying a man who still has violence in his system isn't a good idea.