Spectator - Christmas Crossword -...
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Am I a terrible person for feeling this?
17 Answers
I've been with my boyfriend for two years. He's a great guy with really good morals (i.e. Is waiting for marriage to have s-x with me). I've given up almost everything to be with him. We're only 20/21 but we fell in love pretty hard.
My problems started manifesting a few months ago, as I started feeling trapped in our relationship. He blames me for everything! After we moved in together, I learned he's still a little kid in a lot of ways (he still plays with Legos which I was okay with AT FIRST, and doesn't pick up after himself or do chores). I started resenting him and didn't realize I was so angry until a week ago.
I want out of this relationship. Or at least take a break. But I couldn't bear the thought of hurting him. And his father's last request of me (before he died) was to take good care of his son (my boyfriend). I feel so guilty! When I look at him, sometimes I still feel something great there, but I don't want to be stuck like this.
I don't even know where to start to talk about this with him. The last time we had a huge arguement, he made me feel so guilty I just let him blame me.
Am I just being immature?
My problems started manifesting a few months ago, as I started feeling trapped in our relationship. He blames me for everything! After we moved in together, I learned he's still a little kid in a lot of ways (he still plays with Legos which I was okay with AT FIRST, and doesn't pick up after himself or do chores). I started resenting him and didn't realize I was so angry until a week ago.
I want out of this relationship. Or at least take a break. But I couldn't bear the thought of hurting him. And his father's last request of me (before he died) was to take good care of his son (my boyfriend). I feel so guilty! When I look at him, sometimes I still feel something great there, but I don't want to be stuck like this.
I don't even know where to start to talk about this with him. The last time we had a huge arguement, he made me feel so guilty I just let him blame me.
Am I just being immature?
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No you are not vardelet. I don't think this young man is ever going to grow up. He doesn't seem to mind hurting you, so why should you bother about it you hurt him? you would do better to walk away now, you will never find happiness with this child, for that is what he is, and he will not change. I wish you luck.
He still plays with lego??????
Firstly, you main priority is your happiness. You cannot ruin your own life to save someone's feeling. There is nothing worse than looking back with regret.
Secondly, my Dad told every boyfriend I ever had to look after me. It's meant as a 'look after my son/daughter' whilst you are with them.
Put it down to experience and move on. You learn something from every relationship you have and bring that knowledge to the next one.
Good luck x
Firstly, you main priority is your happiness. You cannot ruin your own life to save someone's feeling. There is nothing worse than looking back with regret.
Secondly, my Dad told every boyfriend I ever had to look after me. It's meant as a 'look after my son/daughter' whilst you are with them.
Put it down to experience and move on. You learn something from every relationship you have and bring that knowledge to the next one.
Good luck x
Your resenting him clearly because you feel as if your taking full responsibility of everything, and whilst you keep doing all the chores and clearing up for him, he will never change...sounds as if your feelings are still there for him, but maybe because of the resentments you are feeling you have lost a bit of respect for him, resulting in you feeling less attracted to him, a man that acts like a boy is not attractive in the slightest and I dont blame you for feeling the way you are.
This has to be addressed and without getting into an arguement, and certainly dont let him blame you!!! Tell him if he wants the marriage, the lifestyle then he has to show some commitment in helping you....if you have to be brutal tell him you want a man, not a boy, harsh but true, you could even show him this post
This has to be addressed and without getting into an arguement, and certainly dont let him blame you!!! Tell him if he wants the marriage, the lifestyle then he has to show some commitment in helping you....if you have to be brutal tell him you want a man, not a boy, harsh but true, you could even show him this post
I think this relationship has changed - as it must - when you moved in, and you are seeing your partner's immaturity for the first time.
In an adult relationship, it is perfectly OK for you to decide it is not for you, and yes, he will be hurt, but not as hurt as if you marry him, and then split up.
Ignore his father's last word, your partner is an adult, and you are his partner, not his mother, he is not your responsibility.
Try a break - move out, and see how it goes, but on no account submit to any emotional blackmail. This has to be about how you feel - if you are not a lot more comfortable than this, it's never going to work.
Good luck.
In an adult relationship, it is perfectly OK for you to decide it is not for you, and yes, he will be hurt, but not as hurt as if you marry him, and then split up.
Ignore his father's last word, your partner is an adult, and you are his partner, not his mother, he is not your responsibility.
Try a break - move out, and see how it goes, but on no account submit to any emotional blackmail. This has to be about how you feel - if you are not a lot more comfortable than this, it's never going to work.
Good luck.
You’re a kid yourself (I mean that in the nicest way.) Your eyes are opening and you are now beginning to see the world. As the others have said, walk away now. Do not hang around and waste more of your lifes’ time. Better to leave now than get married and some months after have regret and then divorced. Save yourself heart- aches and expense now.
And no, you're not a terrible person. Best of luck!
And no, you're not a terrible person. Best of luck!
Two years is a very short time to get to know someone, I know when you're young it seems like a long time but really its not at all. You've gotten to know this 'boy' in the time youve been with him and its turned out that he's not what you first thought him to be. Its not your fault, its life, reality, and shouldn't his father have been saying to his son "take care of your girlfriend" if anything at all. Its not your job to take care of him, he's not your child. Get out now before things go any further. He'll get over it, it'll be character building for him!
His father's last request was for you to look after his son. It sounds like his father knew he couldn't look after himself, so needed a surrogate parent and you have been selected as that surrogate.
I don't think you are being mature, your boyfriend seemingly is still a child, who is not capable or ready for an adult relationship. The part about waiting for marriage to have sex, does seem kind of odd, especially as he's a young male, probably with raging hormones. He definitely sounds a bit quirky.
The long and the short of it is, if you are unhappy, then get out of the relationship. He makes you feel guilty, which also suggests he has a very manipulative streak, which will probably only worsen in time.
I don't think you are being mature, your boyfriend seemingly is still a child, who is not capable or ready for an adult relationship. The part about waiting for marriage to have sex, does seem kind of odd, especially as he's a young male, probably with raging hormones. He definitely sounds a bit quirky.
The long and the short of it is, if you are unhappy, then get out of the relationship. He makes you feel guilty, which also suggests he has a very manipulative streak, which will probably only worsen in time.
You poor girl! It is not your fault or his we as adults just grow apart. You are both still quite young and need to have a bit more room to grow and find your firm feet in life. Just because his father said those words dose not mean you have to abide by them. Be strong at the end of the day life goes on and there are lots of other people who have made the same mistakes and pulled through. Also S-x is not everything but it helps to consolidate a mature and sometimes lasting relationship. It may be that you are not compatable in that way so better to have found out now than living a lie for the rest of your life. Sit him down and be firm and tell him how you feel, what you want and were you want to go from there. Or write him a letter and ask him to be calm and read it as its from your heart & you are being realistic!!!! Do Not let him bully you out of the sittuation or mannipulate you either!!!!
Of course you're not.
He plays with Lego and his father asking you to take good care of his son? Agree with Velvetee his father saw you as the surrogate parent. Is there something mentally wrong with him? I can't believe a boy in his 20s would play with lego. I started dating my hubby when I was 15 but if he had been playing with Lego I wouldn't be with him now.
I think his father has always looked after him and clearly allowed him to still live as a child. It would be difficult for him to change over night but you say you've been with him 2 years. You're not married yet but are living together if you're not having sex now are you sure you will once you are married?
You're not happy and you owe it to yourself to break free. What are you actually getting out of the relationship? Better a break now then a few years down the line when you may have a child to consider.
Please don't feel guilty and I'm not sure how he can blame you?You have been a lot more patient then I would have been.
He plays with Lego and his father asking you to take good care of his son? Agree with Velvetee his father saw you as the surrogate parent. Is there something mentally wrong with him? I can't believe a boy in his 20s would play with lego. I started dating my hubby when I was 15 but if he had been playing with Lego I wouldn't be with him now.
I think his father has always looked after him and clearly allowed him to still live as a child. It would be difficult for him to change over night but you say you've been with him 2 years. You're not married yet but are living together if you're not having sex now are you sure you will once you are married?
You're not happy and you owe it to yourself to break free. What are you actually getting out of the relationship? Better a break now then a few years down the line when you may have a child to consider.
Please don't feel guilty and I'm not sure how he can blame you?You have been a lot more patient then I would have been.
Wow, thank you everyone for all your help!
This summer I'm moving in with my best friend. My boyfriend has agreed to see how this separation goes. Truth be told, I'm excited. I talked to him about the Legos and even his father's last words. Surprisingly, this went well because it pretty much ended with him telling me I was in no way tied to live where we live or have to deal with the things that go on where we live.
Thank you EVERYONE for your support, you guys have no idea how nice it was to hear that I'm not some evil girlfriend that wants to be alone the rest of her life. THANK YOU!
This summer I'm moving in with my best friend. My boyfriend has agreed to see how this separation goes. Truth be told, I'm excited. I talked to him about the Legos and even his father's last words. Surprisingly, this went well because it pretty much ended with him telling me I was in no way tied to live where we live or have to deal with the things that go on where we live.
Thank you EVERYONE for your support, you guys have no idea how nice it was to hear that I'm not some evil girlfriend that wants to be alone the rest of her life. THANK YOU!
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