15 year son and mothers underwear

[slimjim69]

Hi, i am using my husbands account at mo 2 get some advice. Now this is a bit embarassing. My son had taken some underwear (knickers clean and dirty ones) about 2 years ago + at the time two social workers (males) came out calmed me down + said it was quite normal + that i should be grateful that he never stole them off a neighbours line he was approximately 13 then. I was indeed devestated by this + the fact i have already been raped by his father years ago + i still struggle to this day with that i felt raped all over again. My son went to live with his grandparents due to his extreme behaviour, hanging around with druggies staying out all night + also befriended by the homeless. As you can imagine i was going out of my mind with worry. He lived with them for 11 months + he pushed my mother to the brink of a breakdown too so he was returned to us. While at my parents for 11 months he never took my mothers underwear. But he has been back with me for 2 months + i have now today found used condoms + my knickers in his drawer in his room as i was cleaning it due to the fact he shares it with his younger sibling but because my teen smokes + drinks he has been bunking in with my middle child so he is not exposed to this type of smell + behaviour. I am again feeling cheap, dirty, + raped all over again. My son is at present with a Foster Carer + social services are trying to make arrangements that he stays there until monday but i cannot do this anymore, i cant have him back but because of his age 15 nearly 16, the courts wont put a court order on him + take him away. Please anyone with advice i know this is NOT normal but i cant have him back here

[sara3]

this is certainly not my area of expertise, but here is my honest opinion.

1) you haven't dealt with the rape issue and need professional help. I don't see the 2 issues being connected but you obviously do (I'm not saying this is wrong, but it may help to mentally separate the 2 issues).

2) your son obviously needs professional help, too. what is being done about this?

[slimjim69]

I am on the waiting list for therapy but its all of a sexually nature and i cant handle either.

My son has been abusive physically, mentally and this i feel sexual nature now is just too much. i have tried to get him help but they keep saying there is nothing wrong with him and its just teenager behaviour. I am at a loss at what to do he has been this way since he was 5 years old - the physical and verbal abuse. The knickers part started around the age of 13 and restarted now so i do feel invaded.

[annie0000]

Lots going on here, but in my view, if he has been verbally and physically abusive since a young age, he has been looking for you to control him for a long time. It sounds like you are scared of him and have been since he was small- probably to do with the abuse you suffered from his father. The lack of you putting him in his proper place when he was young, probably feels to him like a lack of love - a bit like dominating a puppy to show him his proper place in the pack. Looking at it from his point of view, you didn't love him enough to keep him (I know that you probably feel very differently). Part of what he is doing is normal teenage behaviour, but part of it is testing you to see if you love him after all and as he is now in foster care, he probably feels that you have failed him.

I know that your own issues have prevented you from dealing with him earlier, this is not meant to sound like critisism, I am just trying to see it from his perspective. Children honestly like to have boundarys and to know that the grown ups are in charge, it makes them feel secure and loved. He has always had too much power over you.

You need to sit down with him and expain what happened with his dad and that it isn't his fault and that you love him for him, he is not his dad, he is not a freak and that you know that he is good person and that you want to be proud of him but what he is doing is not acceptable and that you wont have it in your house.

I wish you both the very best and hope you get the help you both need.

[Velvetee]

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles with your son and can't offer any advice, except to say he may have experienced some of the abuse you went through with your husband, kids are not daft and do pick up on things.

Perhaps when this first started he should have received some kind of counselling. I'm not sure if stealing knickers from your mother or off washing lines is as common as these Social Workers made out. It really doesn't seem normal to me.

I think perhaps as a family, counselling could help you all. I'm not sure what else to suggest, as I've never encountered this kind of problem before.

[pinktwink]

there is so much in your post:
1 you need professional help to help you deal with the violence and rape.
2 parenting work would also assist in managing your sons behaviour.
Your son needs professional help to deal with the family break up, family violence, his relationship with you and his sexuallity.
3 it would be helpful for you to talk to your son and listen to him particularly around his sexuality.
4 family therapy would help the relationships of everyone in the family.

This is the stage your son needs support and understanding. I am not condoning his behaviour but he too seems to be hurting and angry and if you give up you will only exascerbate his feelings of rejection. He is still your son and needs your help and understanding but it seems you have a lot to sort out for yourself before you can be there for him.
Good luck

[tamborine]

R ur knickers nylon/silk? Lots of men like the soft feel of fabrics; quite common. Make a joke of it - "oooops run out of knickers" & buy yourself some more (3 for �1 in poundshop).

Be there for him and remember what you gained from ur rape - a son but dont blame him. Many people suffer enforced sex & get by.

Your son may have issues with his father not being in his life, that frustrate him. Just be there for him, especially at this difficult stage when he has to fit in with the outside world.