What do I do?

[888sally888]

OK here goes - will try and keep this simple!! I have been dating a man for 6 months who knows my 2 girls (17 and 19) only a bit. My youngest is 18 soon and is having a party in March. She wants to invite her step dad who she has known for 5 years and is very close to (we have been separated for 2 years). Its tricky cos he still loves me and would like to make a go of it again with me. I am happy with my new partner now.

So do i say yes her step dad can come and maybe unsettle my new partner?

[China Doll]

Talk to your new partner and explain the situation. Tell him what you've just said which is you're happy with him and want to be with him but if it makes him uncomfortable to be around your ex then give him the choice not to be there without feeling guilty or it being an issue. It's your daughters birthday afterall and it is kind of a special one so I think she should be allowed to have her stepdad there and it's just one evening.

Assuming your ex knows the score with you then it's really his problem and not yours and you should just concentrate on your daughter having a nice evening and not letting his feelings interfere with your relationship. :c)

[888sally888]

Thank you for your answer. I would feel very uncomfortable my ex and new man being there together. I still care very much for my ex and there is no bad feeling between us. My girls arent that keen on the new man and are so close to their step dad.

So you think invite the ex?

[China Doll]

I think for this one night yes, invite him. Just because it's a special birthday more than anything.... 18 and all that.

I know it won't be easy but it can be done. My birthday is boxing day and for years after my mum and dads split, dad would stay over on christmas day in order to spend my birthday with me and I don't suppose it was easy for either of my parents. They're both now re-married and now we quite often go for meals with their respective partners and my sisters on special occasions. It does get easier with time and probably as your kids get older.

I don't think it's something that can happen all time and that needs to be explained to your girls as you've obviously got a life too which includes your current fella and maybe you need to explore with them why they don't like him so much, (possibly they're just not used to him or they miss the ex and that's all pretty natural and again, gets easier with time).

And make sure you've got a day set aside for you and your partner to get over the whole messy event and spend some quality time together. It's your life too. Just a special occasion and almost a special treat for your daughter for this one night.

[888sally888]

Thank you for your great answers - a really big help. My new partner tries hard to get on with the girls but my ex was a lot of fun with them so they miss that. He is a nice man but was very jealous and possessive so that is what split us up.

I will talk to my partner and explain that this is a one off. I think he will be slightly hurt but will understand.

[888sally888]

Oh dear bf not happy about the ex being invited. I feel stuck in the middle.

[China Doll]

It's kind of 'tough titties' I'm afraid Sally from my perspective, (I know that's really easy to say). I wouldn't have been expecting him to turn cartwheels about it but unfortunately when you get involved with a person who already has children you sometimes have to do things you don't like or want to do because your partner pretty much has to as well.

It's your daughters big day and it's one night. I think he should be able to stand it for a couple of hours or in not, just not come. Try not to worry about it and don't feel 'caught in the middle'... I think you're doing the right thing for your daugher.

[Androcles]

Tell the new fellah to grow up - this is a party for your youngest - she should have the people who matter to her at it. If he doesn't like it, tell him he's excused on this occasion!

[momcj]

Or you could split the time have each come for couple hours and different times of party. If your partner lives with you could he not pop down pub for couple hours or visit freinds/family. If your partner does not live with you could you not all do something with him in the day and the step dad come to the party, but partner not?Depends if you think there may be agro or not. Dont want your daughters day to be ruined.

[888sally888]

Thank you all for your very helpful and honest answers. Step dad is coming to the party and on her actual birthday we will have a family meal with my new partner too.

So - all is calm - for now!!