should i stay or should i go?

[debsly]

my partner and i have been together for 5 years and been living together for 3 and half years.i have recently found he has been texting and ringing another woman who has met through work.she works in a cafe where he was going to for lunch while he was working in the area.its about 40 miles from where we live. i dont think he has slept with her (no opportunity) he has said he is sorry and loves me (which i know he does) i think he may be flattered from the attention and find it exciting even though i know nothing will come of it, it's driving me crazy.the weird thing is though that only the week before he first texted her he asked me to marry him,i said yes buy now obviously thats on hold.he is 56 and im 39 and up until now we have been really happy,hardly argue and have a great life together (holidays etc) any advice would be greatly recieved especially from men so i can understand the male view.

[sara3]

is he going to stop contacting her now?

[4getmenot]

how old is the other woman? I couldnt frgive but probably because I trust the man I'm with now so much that if he did do it that would be it. Maybe it was just the attention thing but also I'd want to know what these texts said as that would determine my decision too

[debsly]

he says he wont text her again but how do i know if he is or not cos all he has to do is delete the texts,im guessing she is mid to late forties maybe early fifties.he does look younger than his age though.all in all he is a really nice bloke but he has cheated on past partners but only when the relationship was breaking down anyway.thats what i cant figure out,maybe he's expecting things to go pear shaped so he's subcontiously sabotaging it.

[stonekicker]

or he is just a cheating git and you've caught him early on? you only have his word that other relationships were failing. if he's done it that many times, for me - alarm bells would be ringing. loudly. x

[debsly]

no i know for a fact that his other relationships where bad ones cos his friends and family have told me, i dont know why im in such a dilema because my ex husband cheated on me and i left him straight away,he hurt me beond belief,but this seems different i know that this is gonna sound dead stupid but i feel like fate bought us together,like we are together for a reason but i dont understand this feeling!

[4getmenot]

but thats coz people have told you, his past relationships may have been rosy to start with until he started txting other girls and then t went rocky. You say he has cheated on past partnerS so not just the one. sorry but I couldnt be with anyone like that. If the relationships were bad then he should have just left. He's a coward.

[Roughquest]

It seems like you are trying to convince yourself here, we all want to believe in the people we love and trust. Regardless of what his family say about his past relationships and how 'bad' they were, this is just one side of the story, there are two sides to everything (I wonder what his ex's would say)....his family will paint a rosy picture...be true to yourself and trust your gut feelings here, please dont let him take you for a mug while he is having his cake and eating it....once a cheater, always a cheater....a leopard never changes its spots Im afraid. Even though you say he has cheated on past partners 'but only when the relationship was breaking down anyway' does not make it right....that sounds like an excuse for his past behaviour.

[4getmenot]

really nice blokes dont cheat on anyone no matter how bad the relationship, and really nice blokes dont txt other women when in a relationship either

[Eve]

I note the plural, how many times has he cheated before, that you know about anyway.

Out if interest, how did you find out about the current one?

[debsly]

i know you are all right its just so sad to end an other wise good relationship.i still dont understand why he proposed it was out of the blue and ive hardly ever mentioned about getting married

[4getmenot]

have you asked him why he proposed knowing he was txting the other woman?

[carmalee]

sorry to be so negative but a solid, happy relationship is built on trust - you 'found out' therefore hadn't been told by him and anyway, do you feel the need to text some chap 40 miles away? - course you don't and it's a bit of an insult and lack of respect to you that he feels the need to do this. You asked for advice and opinions - I would put everything on hold until |I was completely confident in my partner - something you obviously aren't. Also you say you know nothing will ever come of it so why is it driving you crazy - think you've answered your own question.

[debsly]

1st wife,got married young cos she was pregnant,married 20 years,second wife,engaged after 3 months she organised the wedding without his knowlege (friends of his and hers have told me they should never of married)married 3 years.last long term partner was getting over her divorce but if her ex showed up she put him 1st before my fella lasted 5 years

[4getmenot]

but he cheated on all of them?

[debsly]

he proposed before he had started texting her, i asked him why he was texting her and he said he didnt know,think he was ashamed and embarrised that i found out

[boxtops]

I bet he was. Do you think it could be her chasing him. is she bored? How come she got his number/he got her number in the first place? I might speak to people in cafes but I sure as hell wouldn't give them my phone number unless I had an ulterior motive.

[debsly]

yes he cheated on all of them he has told me that but as i said it was only at the end of the relationships he said i was the best thing that had happened to him and he doent know why he contacted this woman cos he doesnt want to lose me i know the obvious answer is dont cheat then but maybe he needs therapy or something?

[4getmenot]

like tiger woods?

[debsly]

thats a good point boxtops she had wrote her number on a piece of paper which i found

[boxtops]

Perhaps he's the sort of guy who likes the thrill of the chase, sounds like he's experienced that a few times. However - doesn't excuse chasing while he has a lady he wants to marry.