Save our Relationship Tips?????

[yellownana]

Myself and my partner aren't getting on at all at the minute. It has been going on for months now and i don't think i can stand it much longer. We argue evry day over stupid things and it gets so abusive between us, it hurts. Everything we both do bugs each other and we're always on the defence. It doesn't take much to cuase an argument.

We have a 16 month old and so we want to try and work it out for her as well as i think deep down we want to try for ourselves.

I have gone off slepping with him all together and think the last time was 4 months ago. I have gone of sex since having my baby and i can't seem to get it back. I know this causes a lot of problems.

We say we'll try and get on and then we just argue the next day..

I'm so sick of it all and need some advice. Has anyone else been in this situation? My question is. Can we fall in love again? It is possible to work it out?

[yellownana]

Has anyone here fell out of love and got it back with the same person, or shall i just give up??

[ummmm]

I know a few people that have.

Everyone has their ups and downs.....you've just got to persevere and try and keep a positive attitude. Also, don't stop making an effort for each other. You may have gone off sex but he hasn't.....it might be a bit of a chore for you but it's not a lot of time out of your life to keep him happy. When you have a healthy sex life it can bring you closer to each other.

[yellownana]

Thanks Ummm.. I've never been the kind to just put out, just because he wants to, but now i feel a bit selfish. :-$
Maybe i should try harder. I just hope we can get thru' it.
Thanks

[rowanwitch]

having a baby to look after is exhausting
You both have experienced a life changing event les than 2 years ago and may not have made appropriate adjustments to your lives
Do you have anyone you can trust to take the little one for a while so you can get some you time? And that does not mean time for sex just yet at least one evening a week... at least you can try to remember what it was that attracted you to each other in the early days... toddlers and sex-lives don't go together as you always have a bit/lot of your mind and at least one ear elsewhere... And talk properly... it may not be a case of falling out of love,,,, but it may be the days of lust and the emotional excitement are over.... time to work on other aspects of closeness... hope you can sort something out

[ummmm]

Sex is very important and 4 months is a long time.

Women have sex when they feel loved....men need sex to feel loved. Realistically how long does sex last? 15 mins?

Do you go out?

[yellownana]

Thanks Rowanwitch.. The grandparents would have the baby at any time we ask. When we go out, it is nice, so i suppose we may need to do it more. I admit the honeymoon period is over, but for me to feel so unhappy and the fact that we can't even sit in the same room together is so bad :o(

Ummm - For months after i had the baby i had trouble due to 3rd degree tear in forceps delivery (sorry to be graphic) and so even attempting to sleep together was a chore. It was painful and a bit of a passion killer TBH.

Even now it's still a ittle uncomfortable, but nowhere near as bad. I think we're just in a rut.. So hope we can get out of it, but thanks for the advice. I will definately take it up :-)

[yellownana]

I do go out, it's with my friends. I have a good social life actually, so it's not too bad.

[ummmm]

Sorry to hear that...ouch.

You should probably spend some time together doing fun things with out the baby. Laughter is the best medicine...

I would have killed my OH by now if he wasn't so funny :-)

[cazzz1975]

it can become a habit not to have sex, you have to turn that thinking around a bit and make more of an effort, I understand you had a painful birth but you cannot keep using it as an excuse to avoid sex especially when it becomes 2 years or 5 years.

[painterman32]

You need to find some time to sit and talk - can somebody have the baby overnight for you? - if not choose a time after baby has been put down for the night and then get chatting. Make a list (both of you) and cross reference - okay intimacy between you is a big problem. I imagine you're tired after looking after the baby all day - (do you work?) - does your partner do anything to help? If not that's a place to start. You need to start 'dating' again, try and take one night out a week or fortnight to go out and enjoy each other's company - LISTEN to each other, it's easy to bicker it becomes a very bad habit. I do hope you stay together, but do it for your own sakes, not the childs, they do pick up on atmospheres and more often than not if you really can't stand each other any more, it's better off to split than to have stress all the time

[yellownana]

My partner is a great help and yes i work 2 - 3 days a week. That's the thing, he's a great dad, works all the hours god sends and still helps me out and does the DIY and decorating. I just wish i could appreciate him more, but it's so hard when we argue all the time.

I'll suggest we go out for dinner and let the baby sleep out i suppose. Fingers crossed for us :-) xx

[yellownana]

Cazzz - It's not an excuse, i just don't have the urge to want to do it... Strange!

[joeluke]

4 months without sex? No wonder you're arguing, he's probably sexually frustrated

Best you do something about that before he gets so p1$$ed off that he finds someone else who will give him sex

Sorry to be so blunt

[Greedyfly]

Counselling?

[Nosha123]

Having a child is the most possible pressure I think a relationship can have... and you are both probably knackered - more than you realise.

Would recommend counselling - though never tried it myself... a friend has - and she didnt like it. The therapist just sat and listened and I think my friend was hoping for answers....

Why not plan a surprise evening for him... and try your absolute hardest to not moan or complain or argue... it doesnt have to end in sex... but you can both enjoy company - some nice food... a massage.. get out some old photos of you both... try to remember all the things that attracted you to each other in the first place.

[yellownana]

Joeluke, i'm so glad you're not my partner... Anyway, thanks for the answers guys...

[lotsafun]

i know how your feeling, i was in the same boat not so long ago and we didnt have sex for a LOT longer than 4 months. TBH i think we got stuck in a rut and forgot how good it was, he was tired through work and i was tired getting up with the little one all night and sex became a low priority. I even started to have doubts about us carrying on, i knew i loved him with all my heart but i felt we had become more friends than anything. Now, with the advice of many on here we make the time for eachother, when the kids go down to sleep then we have OUR time. we cwtch up together and watch a film or something, we run baths for eachother, tell eachother how much we fancy eachother etc, its the littlest things that count and with these little things you learn to appreciate eachother more. We cant get enough of eachother now and its like ive falling in love with him all over again. When hes working nights we send eachother texts (some get a little rude) but hey were in honeymoon phase again! lol Always make at least one night for the 2 of you, see if someone can hhave your child for the night, go out if you can afford to but if not a night in does the trick just as well. Get yourself a bath to relax you both, open a bottle or 2 and cwtch up on settee watching film (more often than not this leads onto something else) but just relax and enjoy eachothers company. :-)

[joeluke]

I was just telling it like it is..........man not getting any = man looks elsewhere.....if a woman wants to keep her man then she has to keep her man happy

[ummmm]

And vice versa...!!

[boxtops]

Have you had a look at the Relate website? They deal with so much now, including marital difficulties, and have experts on hand to give advice. http://www.relate.org.uk/home/index.html They might be able to help, certainly as you both want to stay together. Good luck!