Broken Trust - Update

[Ankou]

Hello all. It’s been some time. I wanted to update you but I haven’t really felt like writing (I also forgot my password for RF!) and so today I thought feck it, who cares if it’s me anyway. So we chatted long and hard, made some plans and spent a lot of time together over the weekend and all of last week. Unfortunately I didn’t manage to get away. Things were wonderful, we were honest open and things were looking good. We booked a weekend away for the 2 of us, and a family holiday for December. I bought her flowers, something nice to wear, a little card with a made up love poem and we held hands talking openly every night.

At the weekend I had a bit of a relapse, a downer, come Sunday I think the shock had caught up with me again and I withdrew into myself and began looking for more answers. I questioned and challenged, perhaps quite aggressively, but something was nagging at me. I don’t know why what or how, but just something. I went on and on. She told me that she hadn’t seen him for years. That it was nothing, just a stupid attention seeking mistake that she regrets completely. I called her a liar. There was lots of shouting, crying and anger (it had caught up with me by then). And eventually I heard more.

[Ankou]

She had met this man on a hen weekend in July, she tells me it was just chatting and joking around with all the girls and promises me it was nothing more. He had looked up the group on FB and tracked her down and started messaging her. This had been going on for around 2 months, and not the few days I assumed. He had driven the 200 mile round trip to meet her at a pub 2 villages away, she met him and took our baby with her, he bought her an expensive tem of jewellery. She tells me that is everything. She didn’t tell me before because she was terrified I would leave. I honestly feel/believe that no sex was involved. But I still feel that sense of betrayal and cheating. I know that whatever they had is now over and she has deleted all accounts and contact details.

I’m numb, sick and feel thoroughly depressed. I’m also angry (all natural ingredients for recovery I know). We have booked in for relationship counselling. I feel broken and it will take time to mend. I am torn about what I want. I want to heal and then decide from there where I want to be down the line.

I don’t expect any answers, I shan't be back in today but thanks all for listening, and also to beso for your thoughts.

[ummmm]

Ankou....don't expect too much too soon. You've been betrayed. Even if nothing happened sexually, it's still a betrayal. That takes some getting over. You need to make this clear to her. You might feel ok one day...the next it can hit you like a car crash. She needs to work at getting your trust back and she needs to know that this is a very slow process.

Just remember. You are not at fault and you are allowed to feel how you feel. You also have to trust your instincts.

She took her (your) baby with her....not someone looking for an illicit affair. I still think she got caught up in the flattery of it all.

[sara3]

I must have missed part 1, but just wanted to wish you all the best. you're doing all the right things now, but don't be so hard on yourself. it'll take time to re-establish the trust.

and I agree with ummmm's comments.

[zzxxee]

ummmm and sara give great comments ankou and i know its a cliche but things do get better with timexx

[China Doll]

I think giving yourself time to heal and deciding from there is a sound plan. I also think that you should still take a couple of days away for yourself to get out of the pressure pot that is home.

[jno]

I also missed part 1, so I'm not sure what trust has been broken here. That she lied or hid things from you, presumably. But I think people do that all the time in all sorts of ways for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes they're just white lies, sometimes they're to hide the truth, somethimes they just arise out of guilty feelings that something might have happened even though it didn't. I don't know if you've ever told her the shop was all out of cornflour, when in fact you forgot to look... So this is just to say that lying isn't necessarily a deal-breaker, in my opinion.

If you've got some deeper fears that she's been unfaithful, or will be next time... that's more significant. But have you? You say you don't think anything happened this time (I'd agree; women don't take babies along on that sort of assignation). Are there actually any grounds for thinking it might happen next time? Or that there will even be a next time?

None of this means your feelings are wrong or inappropriate. But it may be that you need to pinpoint what precisely is distressing you. (You may have done so on an earlier post.) Fidelity? The baby? A need to know everything she's doing? Nobody ever knows what someone else is thinking, but it's useful to work out what you're thinking yourself.

Whatever it is, there's no correct answer; each relationship has its own rules. If you can't abide something she's done you leave her, or you stay but remain unhappy, or you forgive and forget. It's not a decision that can be made by someone who doesn't know you, or even by someone who does; it's all down to what you can work out between you. Good luck with the counselling.

[Ankou]

Morning all. Thank you for your answers. You make a lot of sense in my moments of doubt and confusion. Part 1 was detailed a few posts down, I used the name RoyalFool originally then forgot the password (fool!).

I learnt very early on in my relationship that my wife would attract a lot of attention from men - she is gorgeous wih a pleasant demeanour. I just got on with it, I trusted that she would deal with it and deflect the attention in her own way, or if she gave me a nod I would sometimes step in when a guy was chatting her up in a bar etc and she wanted out.

I suppose my biggest hurt here is that she fell for this charmer, who as I see it, was really after one thing. He is married as well. It also hurts that she apparently met this man for 5 minutes in a bar, and after a few messages they were arranging meets and sending each other suggestive messages.

I appreciate that she took our baby to the meeting, but I'm not convinced she had the choice - she is quite funny about baby sitters and the like, and she messaged him afterwards to say she can't wait to see him 'kiddy free'. Hence the hotel arrangements in the previous post.

[ummmm]

It's really hard to know what to say. If I was you I'd be livid. Trust is such a precious thing in a relationship. Without trust you're just left with doubt and insecurity. It's something that will always be in the back of your mind. The fact that someone who is suppose to love you can make you feel like that makes even worse.

What do you, from the bottom of your heart, think would have happened had you not had sussed something was wrong?

[Ankou]

I think it was at this point I discovered what was going on, so I can never be sure that it wasn't 'going anywhere'. I just have her word for it.

I tok the afternoon off yesterday and we went to the park and chatted more and more, I told her every second what was going through my mind and it hurt us both, but it helped just processing the thoughts.

I have questioed why I sould believe her now after the first confesion was a complete lie. But she has no answers, she just swears in tears that nothing ever hapend, no kissing or anything. It was just stupid messages and she doesn't know why she even met him. I take comfort from that being the truth, although with a hint of uncertainty that she is still holding something back. And that is what we have to build on.

I go home in tears, I have a lovely evening with my wife and kids, then I wake up angry and confused. I sit at work mulling and dwelling on everything and churning things over, dissecting the negatives and looking for positives.

We do have a future together I am certain, although it worries me that tomorrow I will wake up and want to leave it all behind.

I hope this helps explain my thoughts, although no doubt some of you will be wanting to smack me around the head and tell me to wake up!

[Ankou]

ummm, the honest answer is, I don't know.

I have asked and asked. She has said that it would never have gone any further, she hated that it went as far as it did and she doesn't know why. She has said that she felt guilty doing this to me, and that she would have never met him in the hotel, just told him to feck off at some point before it got that far.

Unfortunately the messages (from her to him) contradict all this, they are pretty condemning.

[ummmm]

It's early days. Way too early for the anger to be gone. Sometimes these things can be a blessing in disguise. She now knows how much shes hurt you and how easy it is do damage a relationship. There's a chance she'll never be so complacent again.

What do you think her reaction would be if the tables were turned?

[ummmm]

Sorry...you second answer wasn't there.

If it was me, if you want the truth, I wouldn't believe her.

[NoMercy]

Ankou, perhaps now that's she's seen what a devastating impact her behaviour has had upon you, she may have had an almighty wake-up call. She may sit back and think long and hard, and then realise that this guy nearly destroyed her marriage and that he was probably only after one thing. She may even start to feel angry towards him in the not too distant future.

However, the scars are going to take a while to heal and so counselling sounds like the best way forward. If your marriage and family mean that much to you, then fight for it.

Good luck. x

[RATTER15]

Ankou mate, I take my hat off to you!! Ive been there and been through it myself, its heartbreaking and you feel a pain like no other.

It never worked for me as I never trusted her again and she knew that, we split up 2 years later for the best.

I hope you sort this out way or another mate, its never easy as the doubts never go away.

Good luck.

[Ankou]

ummm, with exactly the same scenario in reverse, she would kick me out of the house and probably not let me see my girls for a while. I suspect castration with a rusty blunt knife migt feature as well! Honestly I don't know, I think she would go through the same emotions and feelings, but is quite forgiving.

I know it sounds a bit lame, but it has never in our relationship even entered my mind. Sure I'm human and I can ogle and drool like most people, but thats about it.

[ummmm]

I agree with NoM...but I think she should be fighting for it. He just has decided how hard he's going to make it for her.

[ummmm]

It wouldn't enter my head either...and I think it's makes me somewhat unforgiving. I've thought about it quite a bit since your first post and few posts by other users.

Like last night...I was texting my Uncle. Texts were going back and forth and not once did OH ask who it was. That's something I would never want to change. The fact that he doesn't feel the need to ask (or is not nosey enough) That means so much in a relationship. So hopefully, like NoM says, this might be the wake up call she needs. Now she is faced with what she might lose.

[Ankou]

ummm, that is exactly how I was, now I find myself checking her mobile every few minutes and I have 'confiscated' the latptop from the house. It sounds a bit pathetic really, but I can see from within and without that my nature and personality has been seriously bruised.

I can't go on in a relationship being paranoid pete all the time, so I'm left wondering if I could ever be the same with her again.

[NoMercy]

It will take time, Ankou, but she needs to earn your trust once more.

[ummmm]

Time and believing that she's truly sorry will help you. It's not going to be easy though. She can't blame you for being paranoid. It's a consequence of her actions.

On a more positive note, you must have a good connection for you to know something was wrong before you had any evidence.

Who's idea was it to go for councilling? (sp)