breaking up is hard to do...

[Hazel104]

This is a long one.......please be gentle it’s a bit of a vent as I do not have anyone else to talk to and writing things down helps me sort my head out.

I have been with him for 7 years. We do not have sex, maybe 3-4 times in last two years.
know earlier this year he fancied a woman he works with, there was a ‘do’ and he put loads of effort in new clothes, so bloomin obvious! Anyway he came home in foul mood ‘cause she kissed someone, he admitted he liked her. I found condoms in his jeans the next day so know the intention was there if she was interested.
I have not said anything about finding them, I tried at the time but he got so upset I dropped it without really dealing with it. I do know that he has not cheated – but who knows in the future.

Thing is I feel he would be lost without me, he suffers from bouts of severe depression has said he could not cope without me and has had suicidal thought before.
He is a good person at heart and despite all this my best friend.
I also love his son very much and know he would be upset if we split, I worry about the affect this would have on him although he does not live with us. I would probably lose contact with him as well; I hate the thought of that as well.

I have lost contact with a lot of friends, not because he has asked me to but because he is not sociable and I got fed up making excuses so it was easier to let the friendships slide. He does encourage me to stay in contact with people and in fact recently I have been and he is happy for me. This is awful.

[mazie]

Thanks for the clarification CD. In that case i would be mightily p!ssed off. I would also be inclined to talk to him about why he doesn't want to anymore. Does the not having sex bother you at all Hazel?

[Hazel104]

You may have guessed I'm very very good at burying things and not dealing with them.

[mazie]

Don't cry Hazel, we dont know him or your situation, there could be lots of reasons for it....Talk to him

[Booldawg]

sounds like he doesnt have a problem with sex, he just finds it difficult to get into a sexual relationship with you. This has no bearing on your physical appearance, dont get hung up on it.

It means that due to his depression or whatever he cant function sexually with you due to his insecurites of being able to sustain you as a partner. He's lost self esteem within the relationship. Maybe by going else where he's attempting to prove his ability to function sexually to satisfy his own selfish ego?

[trt]

Hazel,

You sound like a real caring person, but you seem to be putting everybody else first.

You don't say how old you are and what are the circumstances regarding the house or accommodation you are living in, but you must start looking after your own feelings.

Its not natural to only have had sex 3/4 times in the past 2 years and I think you should sit him down and have a talk about the future, his fancy piece at work and your feelings..

[lumination]

thats very true what mazie said. all we have to go on is what you have written.
dont cry, crying will only make things worse. just think about it over in your head.
is he the one you want to spend the rest of your life with?
really thinhk about it. if yes then you need to talk to him and make it work. if not, then i think you knwo what to do.

[DEN53]

Hazel - a close friend of mine was in a similar situation many years ago - her husband had depression - did'nt want sex - kept threatening to kill himself if she left. She tried her hardest to conform to his way of life, but being an outgoing person, it nearly broke her. I took her to a health farm for a weekend break, and we had a good talk - and when she got back, she found condoms hidden in his wardrobe.

To cut a very long story short - she left him - married her boss - lived happily ever after. He never commited suicide, remarried, changed his job and went on to have children with his new wife, which he never wanted any with my friend.

She wasted 15 years on him.

[piggynose]

now i´d like to hear his side of the story.
as imo most women seem to see sex as something only men want

[China Doll]

You must know some strange women piggy.

[cazzz1975]

what happens if he does not deliver his side of the story?

[Hazel104]

Oooo trt ‘his fancy piece’ that made me laugh.
I’m early 30’s we would have to stay where we are for at least another10 months, but there is a spare room, not ideal but neither of us could afford it without the other.

Den – that is it in a nut shell.
I know I really need to tackle this, but I think we (me and him) both know where it will end and it makes me really really sad as I do care about him, and I know he genuinely cares for me even if not in that way anymore. It’s no good for either of us it?

[China Doll]

If you can't live with it then it's no good.

[Hazel104]

Why do you need his side piggy – I asked for help I have not slagged him off, or even blamed him at all.

Thank you all so much - this has really helped me I fell much calmer now x

[mazie]

Hazel, try talking to him first, tell him exactly how you feel and whether it hurts or embarrasses tell him your feeling on the office party situation and the condoms. Ask him why he doesnt fancy you...Really talk. At the end of that you can then start to make decisions. whatever you decide good luck with it xx

[Hazel104]

Thnk you Mazie x

[mazie]

At this stage of the game Hazel you have nothing to lose by being completely honest and open with him x

[China Doll]

I think mazie gives good advice.

[Hazel104]

she certainly does , and you gave me a bit of kick up the bum which is also needed
;-)

[mazie]

Thank you CD. Keep us posted as to how you get on Hazel

[123everton]

You have zero self confidence?
Step 1.
Renew your friendships.
Step 2.
Wish him luck and wave him goodbye.
Step 3.
Breakup diet and hairdo.
Step 4.
Go out with your friends.
Step 5.
Don't look back.
Step 6.
Don't talk about being friends etc.
Step 7.
Stay gone.
Step 8.
Oh, hello self confidence, I've only just noticed you've been here since step 3 when I retook control of my life.

You're not his keeper and you're not responsible for his actions, he's an adult and you are most definitely not responsible for his depression.