ChatterBank9 mins ago
90% lovely, 10% nightmare
My little boy is three and a half and has been going to nursery full time for a year and a half. Over the past year or so we've been called in a few times because of 'incidents' - he went through a phase of biting other kids (that has stopped now) and now it is episodes of violence. They've had an inclusion officer in to monitor his behaviour and would now like us to come in for an appointment to discuss it. The nursery is fantastic and all the staff have been great. But sometimes I feel it's all a bit dramatic. Basically he's lovely for the vast majority of the time - he's funny, chatty, asks lots of questions, loves babies and animals and plays really well with his older sister. He tells me he loves me and strokes my hair. Then out of the blue he gets angry at something (not being allowed to have something etc) and goes off on one - throwing toys and screaming (maybe two or three times a week). He'll also say very hurtful things like 'I'm going to get a sharp sword and hit you with it' when he's in this bad mood. I understand that he is at nursery five days a week, and that they spend more time with him than I do. I do trust the nursery and I know they cannot tolerate bad behaviour. But part of me wants to scream 'he's three years old for christssake!'. Trouble is, I'm out of touch - when you are a stay at home mum you tend to meet up with other parents often and can put your kid's behaviour in context. I rarely see other parents and don't really know if it's 'normal' or not for him to have these massive temper tantrums. I would love some advice from other parents please! Thank you
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I've got two grandaughters (sisters) one 6 the other 4, the elder shows just the same symptoms, 3 or 4 times a week just the same and believe me we've tried everything.
Well almost everything she has never been slapped or hit in any way. She is always sorry for these outbursts and says she won't do it again.
Her little sister ignores her but the elder unfortunately can be very nasty to her.Kicks her, hits her with whatever is handy.
I've had 3 children and NONE of them have been like this. Perhaps I'm old fashioned but as young as two I'd smack them and explain to them why. They grew up as normal children and can't remember me ever smacking them.
It seems that this is a phase she's going through. but why one and not the other.
I don't think there's a cure, but I must say she always plays her mother up, never the teachers at school. I hope your little one goes through the phase quicker than our 6 year old. When she's good she's very very good but when she's bad she's awful.
jem
Well almost everything she has never been slapped or hit in any way. She is always sorry for these outbursts and says she won't do it again.
Her little sister ignores her but the elder unfortunately can be very nasty to her.Kicks her, hits her with whatever is handy.
I've had 3 children and NONE of them have been like this. Perhaps I'm old fashioned but as young as two I'd smack them and explain to them why. They grew up as normal children and can't remember me ever smacking them.
It seems that this is a phase she's going through. but why one and not the other.
I don't think there's a cure, but I must say she always plays her mother up, never the teachers at school. I hope your little one goes through the phase quicker than our 6 year old. When she's good she's very very good but when she's bad she's awful.
jem
Thank you both. Does sound very similar Jem - he always says sorry and frequently says he's going to be good now and not be naughty again. Upsets me more when he says that because I know he will do it again. I don't want him to be marked down as a trouble maker from such an early age and I know his father is worried that any assessments in nursery will 'follow' him to school. I've been tempted to smack him but don't believe I can criticise him for hitting his sister/me if I've done the same to him.
Crikey I hope it's worn off a bit by the time he's 12. I've never tried the naughty step approach - does it really work? What's to stop them just getting off the step and carrying on with tantrum? I've seen it work for Supernanny but she's an outside influence and kids often behave differently for people that aren't their parents. It's one of the reasons I think he's got worse at nursery over the past year - the carers are just so familiar to him now he doesn't think anything of treating them as badly as he does me.
It's never happened to me, but I have seen the naughty step work with friends' little ones - like Jo Frost, you just have to keep bolting them back to the naughty step until they realise that you mean it. If your lad doesn't know immediately that he's overstepping the mark then he may be confused about his boundaries - he needs to know that home is not a place to blow his top like this. I wouldn't worry about the hurtful words, he's testing the water with those (and I remember at his age not realising that if you cut off your arm, it stays cut off!). Does he watch any violent stuff on TV you might not be aware of? I don't think Tom and Jerry etc ever did us any harm! He may be "only three" but habits can get set quite early - if you nip it in the bud now, you will hopefully see a difference. He needs to understand why he can't always have his own way, and that nice things happen if he is good. You can then cope with the occasional wobby (which we all have from time to time!). Good luck!
Definitely part of it is his nature - I have a 10 year old and a 9 yera old and the younger one has always been more highly strung and volatile. He would bang his head on the pavement and have some real humdingers when he was younger. He has gradually got better over the years and the step has been in regular use! We also videoed him having a tantrum and showed it back to him which helped. You need to be consistent, and also try to limit his tv/screen time and make sure he gets plenty of physical excercise. Boys even more so than girls need to have an outlet for their energy every day or they become a nightmare. He also gets a good extra boost of testosterone about that age too which can increase the physicality of their play for a while.
Some really useful answers, thank you. Yes he does watch Ben 10, I thought it was pretty harmless but decided a few weeks back that there might be a link - it's not awful but it does focus mostly on stuff killing other stuff. Will have to cut it out. Will also try filming him having tantrum, I can remember my mum recording me on tape being snidey and horrid to my brother, I was mortified when she played it back. Boxtops - made me laugh, yes I don't think he realises how permanent things can be! Annie's point about exercise is also very fair, he does get a fair bit at nursery but not much at home and that needs to change.
My daughter has tried every thing, naughty step, shutting her in her room, conviscating fav toys, bed with no tea, banning her going to friends birthday parties, and shouting till she is hoarse, At the moment its the silent treatment, when she kicks off my daughter tells her she is going to ignore her untill she feels she's through it, and she does, Phoebe can scream, shout, throw things, kick the door (her favourite thing to do) cry and cry, but my daughter ignores it all and she says its very hard sometimes but it seems to be working.
She isn't getting any attention, no ones shouting at her, no ones noticing so whats the point, she is beggining to realise this and things do seem to be improving.
Mmmm, but for how long?
It was the teacher who reccomended the Ignoring method' she said it works at school she's had experience of several children in her time and she can't spend time with them, She sits them in the corner, they soon come to realise they are getting no attention.& calm down. They don't bother again.
Please be assured Pipin your child isn't much different from all the others.
jem
She isn't getting any attention, no ones shouting at her, no ones noticing so whats the point, she is beggining to realise this and things do seem to be improving.
Mmmm, but for how long?
It was the teacher who reccomended the Ignoring method' she said it works at school she's had experience of several children in her time and she can't spend time with them, She sits them in the corner, they soon come to realise they are getting no attention.& calm down. They don't bother again.
Please be assured Pipin your child isn't much different from all the others.
jem
As for the meeting with the nursery, go with an open mind and listen to what they have to say - they are experienced in all sorts of childrens behaviour and may have some good advice, but he is also your son and you know him just as well as they do. Try to work together to improve things for everybody - at the end of the day I bet he isn't happy with the he behaves either.
Thanks Annie and everyone who has posted. I am certainly willing to hear what they have to say, in fact I am hoping they have some solutions! I think part of the problem is that because they are discreet and confidential, you never hear about how the other kids behave (don't get me wrong, I'm glad they don't moan about my son to other parents) and you can be left with the impression that all the other kids are angels and mine is an ASBO waiting to happen.
I have to agree with Annie on her second point. My daughter is a Daddy's girl and in one of her moods (she seemed to skip the terrible twos and all that younger stuff and now has very nasty yet highly articulate outbursts as a 5 year old!), she has often screamed that she hates me / loves Daddy but doesn't love me etc. Despite these being soul-crushing comments, I say to her, "well that makes me sad, because I love you very much". And then I'll just go off and do my own thing and ignore her. She gets no fuel in the fire and then has to think about what I've just said back to her - she usually back-tracks and says, "what I meant, was..." and tries to sweeten what she's just said. And she also calms down because she's not getting the attention or response she wanted. I've found that threatening to take away toys / privileges etc (even when followed through) is pointless - she'll just say, "I don't care" and won't even show a moment of regret for her actions, if anything she'll just stay angry. Far better to ignore, in our circumstances.
I think you were right when you said he's only three! he is so young and i think its completely normal for this age, he still learning how to deal with his emotions and knows no other way to express them than what he;s doing. by staying calm but being firm about not hurting anyone or damaging anything he will learn, i would try explaining to him when he;s not upset or angry what he could do instead eg hit a cushion, shout out loud to get his anger out. he is probably as upset as you are when he has a tantrum. as for the nursery i guess you need to talk to them about how they handle it because if they are angry with him it might make things worse, it does seem a bit over the top for such a young child. some children do struggle in nursery at 2/3yrs old and full time is very tiring for this age, he maybe feeling fustrated or unhappy about something but unable to express it, you could try talking to him about nursery if he is able to. it could be the nursery and a different one might be better. good luck
Just wanted to say again how much I appreciate all your answers. I have tried some of the suggestions straight away and they have worked very well. We've done much better at ignoring the bad behaviour and it does mean he stops what he's doing much sooner. Also, my saying 'well I love you very much' when he's saying horrible things works instantly and he replies 'I love you too.' How lovely it is to have complete strangers offering such great advice, thanks all!
Bit of an update. Things were better for a while, they cancelled the meeting at the nursery to wait until the behavioual specialist had been in to 'observe' (not just my son apparently, a couple of them). Of course on the day she came in, they all behaved like angels so she couldn't make any recommendations (seems a bit defeatist to me). It's a pity as he's got much worse again recently, culminating in an incident the other week where he kickied a member of staff who was so badly injured she had to take a day off (I'm not sure how he managed this but they won't go into details). He's now just had the mother of all tantrums, I put him in his bedroom and he's thrown toys at the wall so hard they have actually made holes in the plaster! I'm at the end of my tether with it. We're meeting at the nursery tomorrow to talk it over so I'll see what happens. Anyway sorry it's such a long one, thanks for the support, helps massively to have input from other parents.
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