why am i still thinking about the ex and his cheating.

[Jenarry]

it's 20months since we split up(or he left me and our son in a real lame cowardly way) saying that there wasn't anyone else -don't worry but he needed to move out for a little while to work out how he felt about us,
i was totally devastated but gave him his 'space' until 2 weeks later i found out there was someone- a girl almost half his age, and to this day i haven't been able to work out the full story particularly how long it had been going on for but there had been obviously a lot of lies going on for months and months. :O( even after i found out he was still lying to me saying they were just friends when it was so obvious they weren't. even now every so often in a quiet moment at work or driving i think of incidents that happened while we were together that seemed odd at the time and working out what was going on.
i know going back over this old ground won't help but i guess i'm still trying to understand why it happened and where i'd gone wrong and WHY didn't i see what was happening and still trying to find clues to this horrible time i went through
please any words of advice would be muchly appreciated. i have moved on with a lovely guy who's the bees knees and i couldn't imagine EVER being with my ex again but i just can't seem to settle it all in my mind still (and a little bit of me is even expecting it to happen again. :O( ) is this all normal to still be doing this or do i need to see relate.

[Jenarry]

Oh god. i don't think about him as such. i don't miss him emotionally or physically.
in fact the opposite.
I have trouble having any good memories about us at all because it's like the boyfriend i thought I had back then didn't really exist .
That's my problem I think I'm almost working my way back on our whole time together and wondering what was going on and be able to draw a line between what was real and what was a lie.I think at the bottom of it a little bit of me is wondering whether I caused him to behave like this and whether I'm going to cause the same situation all over again.
Things are so good right now with my new guy I think i'm scared of losing it or things not staying good.

[andy-hughes]

Again, this is all part of the grieving process - wondering if the situation was your fault, and if it will happen over again.

I personally steer clear of concepts like 'fault' in relationships - it is a complex set of circumstances, and not easily reduced to a notion of someone's 'fault' as the reason for its end.

Similarly, your new relationship is a complex set of circumstances, but based on your experiences, you will be well placed to avoid the pitfalls of the last one, and should preoceed with cautious optimism.

[Jenarry]

Thanks Andy...cautious optimism .that's two words I'm really going to bear in mind.
It's really helped to do this post and work a couple of things out.
I've just been going round in circles on my own!! thinking about the past..not knowing why i was thinking about the past and feeling bad for thinking about the past!
it was driving me mad. maybe i will be able to leave alone for a little while now.

[Brinjal]

Its quite normal. Its a blow to your self esteem. You think you werent good enough, not pretty enough, not sexy enough. Well the problem is his not yours. Some people will always cheat, be dishonest what ever. You have to realise its nothing to do with your self worth. You will find someone who is sure of themself and will be resdy to commit to you.