Strip Clubs

[Baby_Sham]

I'll try and keep this as brief as possible, but the situation is somewhat complicated...
I was ill a few months ago and had to spend some time in hospital. When I came out it was on the understanding that I would live with family for a while. That didn't work out, so my ex suggested he move into my house and look after me, and also our two children. I was extremely dubious about this at the time, but agreed to it as I desperately wanted to go back to my own home.
This was a few months ago now and things have progressed nicely between us and I feel we are happy.
He suggested to me a few weeks ago that we move away and I've agreed. I've now really got my heart set on it and have told my family and friends, and enrolled the kids at schools in the area.
He came home today and was talking about his works' Christmas party (I know it's only August!)
He said his boss was happy for him to transfer to another part of the country but he would only sanction it if he went to this years Christmas party with them - in Lithuania. He never went whilst we were together as, in his words, "they go there for a three day drinking and sex bender". Basically, they spend the whole time there getting drunk and going to strip bars - and that includes "extras", if you get what I mean. They are all very wealthy and he's said they just throw money around and "do what they want".
He knows how I feel about him going, and he's always said in the past he wouldn't want to go as "it's not his kind of thing".
Now he's got this whole moving away thing over me I think he's using this to his advantage, almost to blackmail me. I said I wouldn't be comfortable with it and he said "well you can kiss goodbye to moving away then because they won't agree to it if I don't go".

I just don't know what to do. Part of me wants to say to him just go if it means we can move away, but the bigger part of me knows how I'll feel when he does go and when I'm home alone - I will be really upset, anxious, and borderline crazy!

Am I being selfish? Should I just put up and shut up, or stand my ground?

[andy-hughes]

I think you should stand your ground.

I seriously doubt that attendance at this trip is a condition of employment - no reasonable employer would force a married employee to do such a thing.

Tell your partner there are other jobs, and other homes but not other families - if he goes, you won't be there when he comes back.

If he insists on going, you know where his priorities are.

[March-Hare]

As above!!!^^

[Old_Geezer]

Are you being selfish ? I don't think it's a legitimate question. If you feel bad about it then you feel bad about it.

1. One can go to strip clubs and view the sights without taking it further. Do you trust your fellow ? Yes one can get led on but if you have discussed it and how you are uncomfortable surely he would opt not to go any further.

2. I don't understand how he could be blackmailed into going or not getting the position. Surely that must be just banter, either he has the position already or he doesn't. Maybe that should be cleared up.

3. Meanwhile if it is that awful for you then surely he'd give up the job. But ultimately only you two can work it out between you. Investigate the truth of the boss' insistence he go or else. And what you both can do for each other to find a solution. I'm unsure someone should tell you what you must do.

[hc4361]

He's lying. There is no way an employer can make an employee go to a Christmas party for any reason.

Play him at his own game and tell him in that case he'll have to hand his notice and find a new job. He won't.

[Baby_Sham]

Thanks Andy. See, that's what I was thinking, but I've just stopped for a moment and wondered if I'm acting like some kind of bunny boiler and being selfish.
He knows how I feel about this kind of thing though, I just don't like it - simple as that. I think it makes it ten times worse that it's in another country.

Thanks again.

[Baby_Sham]

Old_geezer, I do trust him, but I also know what his bosses are like and he's told me what they get up to when they've gone in the past. They are all also married.

hc, he's just got home and I'm getting the silent treatment.
I asked him today "so are you saying you want to go?" and he said "well no, but it would be good for me if I did go as they want me to and they pay my wages".
If I tell him to just go I am 100% convinced we will have massive problems when he returns as I'll forever be wondering what went on, and I just don't know if I'll be able to shut that off.

[pixie373]

There is no point moving away with him and being resentful anyway. If that really is a condition of being transferred (which i doubt), then he really should look for a new job.

[Sqad]

Baby_Sham....oh! my.

If all relationships broke up after the OH (male) going to a strip club, then there would be few relationships remaining.

Can you or can you not live with this fact (fact in my experience)

What is the big deal in going to see a woman strip.....it is a part of "growing up" for the man and doesn't mean that he would make a bad husband or father.

[Connemmara]

I am sorry to say this Baby Sham - but to me the relationship is a sham - it looks like blackmail to me - no matter where he was going. I would stay where you are and give it more time - remember you have been ill and still recuperating so perhaps maybe you could be making bad choices in even moving away. As another poster said no employer could force an employee to do any such thing as this. Conne

[FredPuli43]

I am a bit more liberal. You are taking it as a declaration he would rather have sex with someone else, a total stranger and for money, and isn't committed to you. I'd take it that he either has never grown up, or, more likely given that he hasn't done it before, that he's being middle aged. This is the stag night he never had. Let him have his fling and get it out of his system . He'll come home and settle down. I'd be more worried if he was having a proper affair. I doubt whether it'll be quite such an excitement as he might dream.

[Baby_Sham]

We're going to sit and eat an awkward dinner in a few minutes, so I will bring up the point that there are other jobs then, and see what he says.

Sqad, whilst I am open to both sides of the 'argument', that was a stupid answer, and totally typical of you.

[EcclesCake]

I'm more than a tad confused by your post.

You've recently got out of hospital.

Your Ex moved into to care for you and your children.

Whilst in a vulnerable state you seem to have got back together with your Ex.

Whilst in vulnerable state you are planning on relocating.

Ex is looking ahead to works Christmas party and is seemingly playing a manipulative hand to justify his attendance.

Ask yourself why he is your Ex????

This really does not sound a healthy situation at all.

[Baby_Sham]

"let him have his fling and get it out of his system"

Are you serious?

[Sqad]

\\\\Sqad, whilst I am open to both sides of the 'argument', that was a stupid answer, and totally typical of you.\\\

LOL...thank you..........

[Baby_Sham]

Ecclescake, I have no idea why, but your post has just reduced me to tears :(
I suppose I know, deep down, that what you say is right. I am just so terrified of going back to how things were and being on my own. I genuinely cannot cope without him around - and I guess he knows that.
I have to go now, to dry my eyes and get dinner on the table. I'll be back later on though.

[EcclesCake]

You might think you are stronger with him but I've got a bag of Jelly Babies to bet that you would be stronger without him.

[woofgang]

Its not the watching stripping that would be the dealbreaker for me, its the "extras" Assuming you and he are in a physical relationship or that you might wish to be in the future, that is a risk to your health that you should not have to take.
can i ask you to think about why you split up in the first place?

[murraymints]

You are NOT being selfish, YOU ARE BEING PLAYED !!! I don't believe a word of his explanation ...no employer would impose such a threat, particularly knowing why he wants a move.....think VERY carefully about your motives in wanting him back....personally I'd rather be single and give myself the chance of finding a proper loving and honest partner. You will never know if he is telling the truth, you will never quite trust him, the doubts will always remain. If you can accept that situation fine...I wouldn't...Good luck xx

[andy-hughes]

Baby_Sham - you should not feel, and certainly not be made to feel, that you are being unreasonable.

If a wife doesn't feel comfortable with this behaviour, then a reasonable husband would understand, and simply not go.

It's not a matter of his pleasure, which is not essential, it's a matter of your feelings - which are.

[Octavius]

I agree with Murraymints and Andy, if a condition of gaining something at work was that I attended this 'sort of ' event, then I would tell my boiss where to shove it. I also agree with Freduli in that he is treating this as his opportunity to go and get away with it, but you shouldn't have to accept it if you don't want to.