Divorce????

[cat123]

Hello, I am new here but in desperate need of advice.

I have been with my Husband for 10 years and married for 2 years. I am 28 my husband is 34 and we have a 12 year old step daughter who lives with us and has for the last 8 years. We have had a solid relationship throughout and have always adapted an attitude of teamwork.

However, I keep a lot of things from my husband with regards to the state of our finances etc for fear of his temper and arguments, now don't get me wrong, my husband is not a violent man in the slightest and never has been but we argue about stupid things and to stop these I hid things which have slowly spiralled out of control... although part of the problem it's not the main thing..

Over the past few months I have felt unsettled and that I want more from life, I have dedicated my life the past 8 years to raising my step child as her mother is almost absent and taking on the role as mother which I honestly have loved but I now feel that I need to leave and it's not out of the blue, I feel for my own happiness (which may sound selfish) I need to start afresh. If I mentioned this to my husband he is the kind of man who would not listen to reason I would be out (under the assumption I had met someone else) which I HAVEN'T.

This is all a bit jumbled but the questions I am really asking are 1. Am I being selfish to want more from life? 2. Could I live with the guilt of not seeing my step child (I ask this because I know my husband would NOT allow contact for me in the event of a divorce) and basically I don't want to stay purely for my step child as I crave a life for myself.

Sorry this is all it bits aand thank you in advance :/ x

[sara3]

wouldn't you do better taking some time out to assess the situation with a clear head?

[cat123]

Sorry I just need to add that I love my husband and do not want him hurt in anyway, which I know he would be, but I don't feel the connection is there. I feel love for him now like a brother :/

[NOX]

It's never selfish to WANT more for yourself in life, it's how you go about getting it that's important. It does no-one any good if you stay in a relationship after the spark has died for you, which it seems to have in your case and your step daughter is 12 and well equipped to make her mind up if she wants to see you or not. I would caution thinking things through carefully, as this is a big apple cart to upset, but you need to consider yourself as well as everyone else.

[cat123]

sara3 I completely agree and this is the clearest I have been thinking for months. I almost feel as though my mind is made up and I know what I want to do but I don't want to hurt him or my stepchild and I don't know if I can live with that guilt. That's whats stopping me. I am not happy in this marriage but I don't want to hurt people. I'm worried about being 40 and feeling I have wasted my life and a chance of being happy

[cat123]

NOX I completely agree, my main issue with regards to my stepchild is the impact on her after her Mother left, she was a baby and very rarely sees her and I would feel like I was abandoning her. It's difficult to explain. I haven't helped myself by making the marriage more difficult by hiding things but I agree the spark has gone.

[chattykathy]

I would seriously recommend that you read, ' I love you but I'm not in love with you' by Andrerw Marshall. It's a very enlightening book. I think you should also consider going to Relate to discuss your feelings before making such a life changing decision
Best of luck

[China Doll]

With regards to the financial element you mention; should you leave the marital home, what sort of situation are you leaving them to with regards to finances?

[Nini74]

is there anyway you could manage to get away for a few days on your own, to really assess your situation - sounds as though its all getting on top of you at the moment, and if you have financial worries on top of everything else, it just may feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel. It may help you to have a day or two to yourself.

The other option is to talk to your husband about the financial situation - because he may surprise you and be more supportive than you think. On the other hand, if you do decide to leave, you won't be leaving him with any nasty surprises which he may use as an excuse to put you down to your step-daughter.

You've done a great thing taking on your step-daughter like that, and you clearly think the world of her - that being the case, i'm sure she feels the same about you - make sure she knows your not leaving her, and that you'll always be there for her - she's old enough to understand.

Hope things work out for you - but take your time before jumping to any rash decisions - and if you can talk to your husband about how you're feeling (and the finances), then you'll at least feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. good luck x