Desperate to move back home

[Annies]

I am 22 and live with my boyfriend, we have been together for three years and living together for two and a half. When we lived with our parents, everything was great, we spent each evening simply watching tv and then on weekends we would go out and had a fairly large social circle.

Since moving in he has changed, He spends the majority of the week in the local pub, I have to repeatedly pester him with telephone calls to get him home with the usual answer being "ten mins", "thirty mins" "an hour" etc. If he wanted to move in with me why put up such resistance to be with me? When he does finally show, he's drunk and falls asleep on the sofa. As his weeknights seem entertaining for him, he can be quite happy to spend the weekend at home with me with a few drinks, inside I am desperate to get dressed up and go out. I've brought it up and he will promise to take me out but these promises never materialise, usually as he is too tired from his nights at the pub and money is scarce (most of it contributes to the locals takings).

On top of this I do the housework, he has yet to wash a single dish, accompany me with the shopping or iron his own clothes. This situation is tearing me apart, my confidence is at an all time low. I comfort eat on the nights he is out. I've put on weight.

I've brought it up many times, he apologises and promises to change but goes back to his ways soon. I know anyone reading this (who bothered to read so far) will think "stupid girl", I want out but am stuck in a mortgage, if we sell my dad is the guarantor and will have to pay �11,000. I can't ask this of him.

Advice greatfully appreciated, Anyone ever changed a "Jack the Lad"? At the moment I am back in my old room at my Mums but I can't stay forever

His closest mates have since told me to leave him.

[Annies]

EDIT: we have been living together 1 1/2 years

[miss_chase]

I suggest you get out yourself on weeknights/weekends. Maybe he will then stop taking you for granted and appreciate you.

Good luck x

[Didwot]

Why will your dad have to pay �11,000 if the property is sold? Surely it has not dropped in value. That said, it is generally accepted that you can not get a leopard to change its spots, teach an old dog new tricks etc. He has you where he wants you, so why should he make an effort, unless he is made to genuinely believe that you are going to move out, and I do not get that message, and I do not expect he does either.

[zmudge]

If you are seriously considering separating the Government has issued a Checklist for Separating Couples which can be seen here and may be of help.

[Annies]

As we didn't have the full deposit saved my dad had to sign to say that if things didn't work out within the first three years then he would have to pay �11,000. I guess its a way of guaranteeing the house gets sold quickly and the bank doesn't lose money.

I'm back at my Mums at the moment, have been there a couple of days now. I haven't had much contact with him, he is just angry that I have taken our dog with me. I didn't take it to punish him, I just know the dog will be better looked after at my Mums as she is home all day and I guess he will be in the pub.

Went to check on him this morning to see if he was going to work and he just appears to be feeling very sorry for himself and resentful.

Thank you for your advice. I am going to spend a lot of time with my friends and not see him for a few weeks.

[Didwot]

I anticipate that your father may have given a guarantee to the mortggagee which will only be called upon if there is negative equity when the house is sold. Keep an eye on the mortgage, make sure it is paid regularly.

[hairylemon]

Gosh my dear girl you really are in a predicament. Obviously this guy has no regard for your feelings at all, your a convieniant housecleaner and housekeeper to him. i detect a chauvanist. you really need to lay down the law to him...go all out..i mean scream and roar, throw things, cry...as extreme as u can get. it'll wake his lazy little arse up to reality. failing that..tell him he can move out and you'll happily get a lodger to help with the mortgage. The fact that his mates have told u to leave him stands for a lot dont you think?? forget the financial side of things and do whats best for you...dont you think you deserve better??

[Annies]

Thank Hairylemon (what an interesting name)

He's been in touch saying he realises what a useless boyfriend he's been and that he's taken me for granted and sees it now. He is sorry, misses me and loves me. wants to meet up this weekend but I have seen to it that I am  fully booked up! Aren't I evil? Have jampacked my weekend with my friends and I am not dropping them last minute for him. Finding it hard but I shal be strong and disinterested. Told him we will talk on Sunday. Guess the old treat 'em mean thing does actually work, just not in my nature.

Never thought of the idea of a lodger, thanks, will bear it in mind if things don't improve.

[smallwren]

Being busy sounds good to me - keep the arrangement to see him on Sunday but show him you are serious about taking your life back. For a while now you will have a chance to call the shots and you need to make it clear to him that this is not accpetable and this is the last chance you are giving him and the financial predicament he is putting you and your family in.  Good luck!

[Annies]

Well it appears that being stong is working. He suggested we go to the supermatket together yesterday, cooked my tea, did some housework and stayed in with few beers to watch the match instead of going to the pub. I'm absolutely gobsmacked, feel like I need to pinch myself!

Thanks for all the advice, feel as if I was overreacting now, but I felt so low last week that I needed to let it out.

Heres hoping things will stay as they are

[zmudge]

zmudge will come and get you if you again entice people to waste their time on this or similar rubbish.

[Annies]

Well I'm sorry Zmudge, I guess you are not a very sympathetic person. I was very low when I posted last wednesday, never used this site before but just writung my problem down made me feel better. I truly felt stuck in my situation. I didn't even expect a reply but am thankful for the advice I received. I apologise if I came to the wrong place. I guess you shouldn't waste time reading topics you find "rubbish" to leave hurtful messages and spend your time in a more productive manner. 

[WendyS]

Glad you've sorted things out.  But a word of warning.  Individuals who drink heavily need watching.  Set yourself a time limit which might coincide with your father's guarantee ending,  and if the old ways have continued,  find somebody else who will value your company and be a proper partne.