I need advise now, esp. from the men!!

[HAnn521]

To all those of you who have helped me before...I need your advice again now, more than ever...

I would like to ask, and mainly the guys' opinion...

If you are upset and disappointed in your girlfriend, who you feel is needy, and had told her that you feel you probably shouldn't be together any longer...would it make things worse or be a good thing to get a letter from her?

You have had overnight by yourself, no calls from her, no crying, no drama...would a simple e-mail from her be a bad thing? Would it be better to leave him completely alone and not let him in on how I am feeling about the situation, make him wonder?

Or do you think expressing how I feel in an e-mail and being truthful is a good thing and could help?

(I know this is confusing, but if you get where I'm coming from, please give me your advice...)

[Gooner_Badge]

Truthfully HAnn .. you gotta leave it babe.  It'll hurt not todo anything .. but by sending a letter/email a bloke who thinks a girl is "too needy" will read that just a beeing "needy"

It's crap .. but us guys are fickle .. and can be real prick$ ... but the pain don't last for ever.

Then you can meet someone who will love your "neediness". ... personally there's nothing wrong it. ;0)

[charliebaps]

Gooner right love.  If you did send something and got nothing in return then it will make yourself feel worse and nothing will have been achieved.  I know you can't forget things but don't give him any satisfaction of knowing you're upset.  Maybe the next person will love you for exactly the person you are x

[kazza12345]

I am not a man, However  i dont know that that makes any difference because surely all men dont feel exactly the same way about things, so just having a mans opinion is just as useful as a womans opinion?  I digress ....

anyway. it seems that the person is giving you pretty clear signals that he wants out, and as much as you want it to work, if the other party dosent then it wont.  I am a true believer in the if you love someone, let them go, and if its meant to be they'll come back school of thought.  I was in exactly the same situation with a needy/clingy man  and his phone calls/letters just confirmed to me that id made the right decision and he really was too needy and clingy, and to be honest irritated me beyond belief at the time.  We split up for a good six months, and then got back together because it was meant to be.  We've been happily married for 4 years, and the break did us both good - him to work on getting a life outside of our relationship, and me to reflect on the fact that everyone has a need to be needed, including myself, and also to reflect on ther fact that my life was utterly terrible without him...

[KittyGlitter]

I agree with the above post. Why don't you write a pretend letter, put down all the things you are feeling but just keep it to yourself. This could help to get it out your system. I think it would push him away even more if he received a letter from you. Perhaps its one of those times when "If in doubt, do nothing". Hope you feel better soon x

[andy hughes]

I wrote a reply, which I lost, but I'm re-writing it, even afer reading the replies so far.

I really sympathise with your position HAnn521. Whether or not you e-mail, depends on what you want to achieve by doing so.

If you are looking for an underline - a chance to point out your feelings calmly without the resk of a row, then go ahead. It will give you closure. If, on the other hand, you are trying to work throuigh the situation, and see this as your opening of negotiations, then don't do it.

If you want to put your feelings in order, for you as much as him - then leave it another day, and sort out what you want to say. If he doesn't reply, then you know where you stand, and you have proved him wrong, and got your dignity intact, and a record of how you felt which you can look back on when the tears have stopped, and the pain has started to fade.

If you want to talk it over, leave it for him to contact you - and if he doesn't, and I strongly suspect he won't, then you must accept the ending, and try and deal with it.

Stay with us, we are all with you while you get through this.   A xx

[MargeB]

Hi Hann, hope you're ok.

Its a fine judgement call, maybe need a little more information. If his problem is that he feels you are too close, then no letter is appropriate. If he needs space just to mull over relationship issues and this is a cover, then a letter is appropriate, because it shows you care, and is a touching thing to receive.

Mostly, I don't think a letter fits in the 'pestering' category. He knows he doesn't need to read it, so its not pestering. Unless it's written in anger, I don't think a letter can be a bad thing.

Tell him he has competition, that'll get him.

[HAnn521]

Well, the truth is, your responses are confirming for me that it was good that I wrote the letter, but didn't send it. I don't want him to think that I can't go a day or two, whatever without having to speak to him or see him. I think that is exactly what he is afraid of and that's the reason he's decided to let me go.

The problem is, I feel like after a year of being together, I have a right to sort-of "defend" my behavior and explain to him some of the reasons why I have been coming across as needy in the first place.

But then again, some of you already know that I have been having doubts about him as well because I do feel like the one I'm with shouldn't care if I need him! (thanks Gooner, I thought maybe there were some guys who didn't mind being needed, to some degree).

and you're also right charlie and kazza...I feel like him I let him go, (no calls, no nothing) he may just remember how he feels about me and possibly we work it out...I just can't help but think, what have I done?!?

[Rubyrose]

I think you should send him a letter or email. Something you know he will recieve but be truthful but tactful. Don't be rude in the email. Then the ball is in his court to reply or not. If he doesn't then he probably doesn't want to. And so you don't go fretting over whether he recieved it or not because you haven't had a reply, try sending the letter 'recorded delivery' or in the letter ask him to send u a text so you know he has got it... even if its just a very small text saying 'got it'. What have you got to lose by sending him a letter? If you don't you may leave it to long and then regret not sending it.

[rampart]

HAnn, for now, I would leave him alone. You mention that he felt you were needy. I wonder if that means he felt as though you were constantly asking him for help, reassurance, and otherwise absorbing everything from him. Perhaps pull back for now, and give him some space. Let him catch his breath.

After a few days, perhaps one week, post a letter to him. Not email, but an old-fashioned hand-written letter. Be cheerful and confident in the letter. Let him know that you have reflected during your time apart, and that you do miss him. If you do understand some of the things he was saying, mention them in the letter. Let him know that you understood what he meant by calling you needy, and now that you've thought of it, you see how you can act differently and spend more time considering his thoughts and feelings. Perhaps something like that. Maybe mention an upcoming event that you'd like to attend with him if he is not busy.

I would not dwell too much on feelings, emotions, past history. Men want the unpleasant past to be forgotten. Dwell on the new, fun and adventurous things that the two of you can enjoy.

I do talk about relationships and feelings and all that with mrs rampart, but if we have had a tiff, I prefer an evening spent doing something together rather than a chit-chat about who said what and what all that meant. We mend through amicable time spent better than we mend through lengthy re-hashing of emotions and the like.

Come across as positive and confident and forward-looking! Not as we have a problem and I am bent on solving it.

I do not know your situation well, and I have not earned any awards in the relationships department, but I do hope this helps. Best of luck.

[Octavius]

Best thing my ex did after 11 years was to never contact me again.  It was very hard, but I got over it in the end, I apprecaited that more than if she had dropped me some trollopy message about her feelings which I had no interest in at the time, just cared about my own.  Leave it and move on, and let him do the same. 

[Rubyrose]

But if he doesn't reply then just leave it at that.

[butter1]

Hiya HAnn521, I split up with my ex a few years ago and he wrote me a 4 page letter explaining the way he was when we were together and he texted and called many times.  The thing is, all of the chasing me made me feel sorry for him and it made me feel guilty...I got to the point where I might have got back with him coz of guilt - but I knew that was wrong.  In the end, I just found him irritating and had to be cruel to be kind.  I'm not saying that you are like that but I think if he has made up his mind then you shouldn't send him a letter.  If he wants to get back with you, he will.  I know its hard and you feel like you have so much to say and you think you will burst if you don't say it.....but try not to.  Let it be.  You've got to be strong honey.  Remember, we, the ABers are always here for you. x

[HAnn521]

I have saved the letter but I do still feel that in some way, it would be good for him to read it. After the year we have had together, he has always called me after a fight, he has apologized for being rude or mean to me...and he has expressed to me numerous times that he deeply cares for me and losing me would be far from easy to do.

Before, when we have had an argument, we have both written each other an e-mail to explain what happened and "make up"....which is why I think that maybe sending this to him isn't all bad...

however, if those of you are right about his just dwelling on my recent "neediness", I am afriad the letter would hurt me and make me feel regretful about the weak impression I may give off.

But, just so you all know...I wrote only mature feelings & thoughts. (we are 22 years old). I don't come across as begging, or trying to defend myself to get us back together...

Thank you all so much, please continue to give me your thoughts. I'm holding onto this e-mail for now, but I may send it by the end of the day...

[Madison68]

Writing it all down and not sending it is the best way, as I have just learnt.  In fact, keeping your mouth shut is pretty good idea too!  I'm a bloke by the way!  (and about to get an earbashing in CB!)

[Octavius]

HAnn - it sounds like a regular occurrence and that you have probably decided to do it anyway.  If you have been together a year and he already finds you too needy and feels you shouldn't be together then leave him alone for goodness sake.  Let him be the one to contact you if needs be.  But as I said above, seems as if you decided before you posted your q.

[jno]

the good news HAnn is that people of both sexes come in all degrees of shape, size and neediness. Just because one guy finds you needy doesn't mean they all will. Which means in turn that you don't have over-analyse yourself or apologise for yourself. It sounds like he already knows what you would tell him in your letter (he's been with you a year) and has decided it isn't what he wants. That's painful, but it doesn't mean that all males will feel the same way.

Sorry, that isn't quite answering your question - but reading between the lines it sounded as if you were having some doubts about yourself and trying to sort them out via a letter to someone else. Apologies if I've misread.

[rabet]

Hi HAnn. It seems to me that if you want the relationship to continue, then the logic of the situation suggests that you should make contact. If you get a discouraging reply or none at all, the situation will not really be worse and you will know where you stand. If you do not make contact and neither does he, you will wonder for ever whether things could have been put right ~ believe me, I know this from bitter experience.

[Peri]

Hi HAnn I think the only reason you appear needy with this guy is that you are not getting what you need from him.  You will not always be like this.  When a relationship is equal you can be what you want to be and you will be accepted.