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marval | 18:03 Sat 19th Mar 2016 | Jokes
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I bought some new electric garden trimmers; they’re cutting-hedge technology.

‘VENI, VEDI, VISA’: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

I’m going to a local shop for the first time; I’ve no idea what’s in store.

A shopkeeper just tried to sell me Supergirl, Lara Croft and Wonder Woman. I think he might be a heroine dealer.

I went to the hardware store to buy a curtain rod and the manager asked me how long I’d want it; so I told him I’d like to keep it.

I’ve bought one of those memory foam cushions, but I can’t remember where I put it.

I know I’ve bought lots of Velcro cable grips, but I can’t find any now. I must be losing my grip.

I asked our butcher if he had a capon, but he said; “No, who do you think I am, Batman?”

I only asked for a leg of lamb from the butcher, but he’s given me the cold shoulder.

I bought my wife a pocket calculator in the shape of a castle; I don’t think she’ll like it, but it’s the fort that counts.

I’ve ordered some German food over the internet; the sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.

I recently bought some very expensive perfume as a gift; I’ve no common scents.

I drove to the supermarket with a tiny carrot; I was in such a hurry I had to take the shortest root.

"Do you sell hot water bottles?"
"I’m afraid not; have you tried Boots?"
"Yes, but the water comes out of the lace holes"


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You sure you're not Tim Vines? Marval- ous.......ha ha.....

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Oh no patsy, my secret is out. (don't tell anyone though.)

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