News0 min ago
I'm a mentalist
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I need some help or advice please. I'm a 22yo guy, currently travelling round oz/living in sydney. Life is great except for one thing. I split up with my girlfriend last night, due to the fact I was causing problems, I genuinely cared about her but I was always looking to start a fight. I started thinking back to other relationships (how they ended) and it was almost always because I ended up trying to start arguments. I'm always looking to 'test' the girlfriends response and somehow I think this is gonna make them like me more, when in actual fact it just drives them away. I get really angry/annoyed with them for little or no reason.99% of the time I am completely fine and have a great time with them, but then ruin in with one moment of madness. Its a massive problem and everytime I split up with someone I say next time will be different, but it never is and I just can seem to stop myself from getting moody, sulking and generally acting like a child. I'd really like to lose this anger,intolerance as a couple of people have mentioned it and I've just lost a fabulous girfriend through my own stupidity. Can anyone give me any advice, ideas, help - ANYTHING, I just don't want to ruin anymore friendships/relationships. Thanks .
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Tommy Cooper, the comedian, often told the joke about the man who went to the doctor and said: "Doctor, when I lift my arm like this"...demonstrating the action..."it always hurts." The doctor replied: "Stop doing it!"
It seems to me that you have really answered your own question in the same sort of way. You know what the problem within yourself is, so stop doing it. For example, all you've got to do to stop smoking is not put a cigarette in your mouth...similarly, all you've got to do to stop offending girlfriends is not say the offensive words. End of story.
Not very social-workerish, I know, but guaranteed to work. Cheers
The only problem with that approach is sticking to it.....easy to say don't do it, very hard to achieve though...if it's in your very nature to do this for whatever reason then you are going to have to fight very hard to stop yourself doing it and you'll be bottling up a lot of feelings and emotionswhich may well come out in other ways as this seems to be your release valve.......I would be more tempted to sit the next person down and tell them that you will do this....that you can't help it and it's not your real feeling towards them...ask them to understand that it's a problem that you have that you are trying to stop but you struggle with....Professional advice might also help here.
PS....it may/may not be a factor...but if so ditch the booze if it's an influence as well.
Is this something you have learned from your family? Have you had to fight for attention or was somone else the attention seeker? I had a relationship with a guy exactly like you, but it didn't take long to suss him out & when he started to get argumentative, usually when we were on the phone, I'd pretend not to notice & cheerfully cut the conversation short & leave him to stew.He soon stopped it & we saw each other for a couple of yrs.Not going into detail but it was his family.Admitting your fault is a great thing - find an outsider to talk to & good luck.
I think noddy may be onto something there- I used to do a similar thing in relationships, saying things to the person to almost "test" them. Then someone pointed out it may be connected to my dad leaving. Maybe when I felt like I was getting close to someone I would just have to see how far I could push it before they left. I'm not qualified as a relationship counsellor at all, so I can't say if that's what you're experiencing.
well having been that girlfriend more often than i care to admit, i'm suprisingly sympathetic. you've articluated the problem and that's the main bit, you know what it takes. i give my man the pmt warning every month "darling, i'm sure what your saying is perfectly normal , however i have come over all irrational and strangely agrressive, I may cry, i may shout at you and i may have to chain smoke 20 fags then give up again, is that alright with you if thats what i do today?", my man normally laughs at his, sometimes wrestles me to the ground and tickles me, sometimes says it's about time he went and saw his mother anyway, whatever he does, the tension is generally defused by this pre-emptive apology and i chill out too, somehow the implied permission from him to be bad stops me feeling so angry. my point is that you can have a happy successful relationship in the future just exactly as the person you are now, you dont have to change, but you do have to learn to recognise and defuse very normal anger. in addition, it may be interesting to know where you're anger stems from and maybe there will be an obvious solution within that, but in my experience you're better off investing your efforts in getting to know how to defuse that anger first. good luck. :-)
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