Getting stepsons Mum "to be his Mum"

[tgm1974]

My partners children, 11 and 13, stay with us on a Wed and Sun each week - sometimes more depending on circumstances.

Their Mum never worked for 12 years of being married to my now partner and once he left she has now got 5 jobs from caring for an elderly woman (at night), working in a bar (mainly at night), running a local Marine Club - she is the steward (at night), etc. The children are in school through the day and it is amazing if she is actually with the children for 2 nights of the week - either they are with us or being looked after by neighbours.

Anyway, we picked the kids up yesterday and the 13 yr old (boy) was talking to his Dad about his Mum. He said that he wanted to spend more time at our home - all week basically besides Mon and Fridays as it was more relaxing, he got fed better and he missed his Dad.

From what he was saying he has told us that his Mum has started smoking (this is after 20 yrs of stopping), she sits in the conservatory of a night smoking away and talking on the phone to "friends", when she talks to her son its mainly telling him what to do rather than having a conversation with him. She yells them up in the morning where they have no time for breakfast and when they get home of a night they eat stuff like hotdogs and chips - I cook pasta, roasts, etc. What hurts him more is that his Mum never talks to him about anything and he has to find things out accidentally ... for instance she has been going out for meals with "friends" who are really men, The last guy she went out with ended up threatening her son when he didnt believe his Mum was not home .... thats sorted now but the poor child doesnt know where he is with her. I think its a cry for help. He has said he just wants to be here more but doesnt want to move in!!

Should I speak to his Mum re the situation as we are on speaking terms unlike my partner who "hates her guts"!???? HELP!!

[shelby45]

oh bless him. I would say, yes, do speak to her in a concerned 'friend' sort of way. It must be very difficult for you. Maybe the lad could write her a letter putting all his feelings down and see if that could help in any way. I appreciate she needs to work and must be hard bringing up the 2 kids on her own BUT, as you say, she does'nt spend much time with them. Perhaps the letter thing could work, he could mention to her that you know all about his desire to spend more time at yours, it might make her want to nip it in the bud before she thinks, you think she's a bad mother or something (I hope you can follow me here!!!!!). ANyway, good luck, i hope a solution can be found for all of you!! ;o)

[ummmm]

From experience 13 year olds have a distorted view on things...!!

[monkeyeyes]

The mother sounds either a) selfish or b) struggling.
Whichever is the case, you may be more successful if you make the conversation about HER. Something along the lines of " Tom is quite worried about you and how hard you are working. We were wondering if him spending more time with us would take some of the strain off you ?"
"It must be a struggle getting the boys up for school with your night work. Would it help you if.........."
Placing the focus on HER ought to deflect any angry or insulted response you may receive.

Good luck to you all.

[tgm1974]

Thanks for the replies - he is definitely not a child that has blown things out of proportion as the same comes from her 20 yr old son when he comes home of a weekend from the army.

From the things my partner has said about her, she has never really been able to show love to family, etc. This was part of the reason their marriage ended. His son has spoke to her in the past and for a day or two she is attentive - she then slips back into her habit and basically the kids are bringing themselves up whilst they are down there.

I can see what you are saying re turning things back to HER and can we help but my partner would not have this - only for the fact that she has lied to him about alot of situations just to get out of having the kids. There was even a time that her daughter was staying here and she was ment to be picked up the following morning for a morris dancing competition - she never arrived and when we eventually caught up with her she said "I got a better offer". As you can imagine we were gob smacked by her actions.

I appreciate she has to work but she could work through the day - Ive lost two jobs in the last 6 months due to redundancy and have managed to secure a day time job so far. She is just acting like she doesnt want to be around them!!!