Feel torn in two

[ruthandsam]

My 19 year old son has had a few problems of which he is due to see a counsellor on Tues. He is also on anti-depressants to help, however, he is refusing to look for a job, answers back all the time and the atmosphere in the house is explosive.

My husband is at his wits end and has announced that if my son leaves doesn't find somewhere else to live he will leave! On one hand I can totally understand my husband and the fact that the whole situation is not good for any of us, and more importantly, our 4 year old daughter. I feel positive that this would be a good step for my son as he could stay at his Nan's house, have counselling and get a bit of head space and maybe think through what he wants for the future and make plans. However, I'm feel like the worst mother in the world for 'abandoning' him when he is going through some sort of hell himself. My son does play on this a bit, however, I want to be loyal and supportive to my husband. Underneath my being supportive to my husband, I am so angry that the two of them have gone beyond the talking/negotiating stage and angry with my husband for my having to choose between the two of them.

Please can you advise, many thanks!

[boxtops]

Very hard for you - is your son your husband's child? Have you spoken to your GP about this? - it could be possible for you and your husband to have some counselling to help you get through this. If not, places like Relate now deal with all sorts of relationship problems, not just marriage guidance, and you could go on your own if you felt it would help you.

[ummmm]

I think your husband is bang out of order.

[ruthandsam]

Thanks boxtops, I will ask my husband again if he would be prepared to go to Relate and if not, go myself. Yes, the Dr knows all about my son but as I happen to have a Dr's appointment myself I will mention it to her as well. Ironically I work for psychological services so i'm just probably tired from supporting others all the time.x

[ChocolatChip]

I think your husband need to give it some time. If your son is depressed, then I think your husband needs to be a little be more sympathetic towards him, and understand that it's not something you can 'get over', and can be a seriously disabling. The agression from your son is typical of someone who is suffering from depression.

I think you and your husband should wait it out for a couple of months until the counselling sessions are well under way, and take it from there.
I understand that it is an awful situation for you, but your son is ill, and getting him to move out and live a new life may not be the best thing right now.
How far does his nan live from you? What does he think about moving to his nan's?

Maybe this would help you and your husband
http://depression.abo...facts/a/howtohelp.htm

[joeluke]

I'm afraid I'd react same as your husband has......do you want to risk losing your husband because of your sons behaviour?

[ChocolatChip]

I've seen your posts before, and I know you're impossible when it comes to matters of mental illness. But I'd still like to point out the fact that her son is ill, like having a broken leg no one can see. And everyones sympathy would be very different if that was actually the case. And whatsmore, he's still young and probably hasn't cut the apron strings yet. He probably feels very alone and frightened, and such unsympathetic figures must feel very daunting.
I think it's sad the amount of ignorance that still goes on.

[ChocolatChip]

Sorry, I forgot to mention the impossible comment was aimed at joeluke.

[joeluke]

So husband has to just put up with lazy,cheeky, unruly son and grin and bear it without it making him angry then

I was just trying to see it from a mans point of view

.....and if it ultimately leads to a marriage breakdown?

[boxtops]

JL - mental health issues aren't necessarily within the control of the person who's suffering - and I speak from experience - you have no idea of the effect that irrational and disagreeable behaviour is having on other people, and even if you did, there is sod all that you can do about it while your mind is not clear and you have no control of your emotions. If you've never experienced or known someone who has, then you are very fortunate. One size doesn't fit all.

[ChocolatChip]

Completely agree with boxtops, when he speaks, it will not be him talking. It'll be the illness. When depression is untreated and it takes a ling time for the drugs to kick in, if they're even suitable. It'll take months if not years for him to react normally.
I'd be concerned that kicking him out would aggravate the problem when he's probably at a very delicate stage.
How long has your son been like this ruthandsam? How long has he had the medication for?
It is good that he is getting help, I know that it can be an issue between men getting psychological help.
Has he seen a pychiatrist?
How long have you been with your husband? Does your din like your husband?
There is so much behind this, I need a few answers before I can get a full understanding. So sorry for the interrogation.

[ruthandsam]

I do know a lot about mental illness because of where I work, however, I have also suffered seriously myself. I understand what my son is going through however life does still have to go on. He is not incapacitated by it though but it's just the little things that get us down - staying in bed until the afternoon, going to bed at 3 in the morning. Not contributing to the household duties. 'Depressed' or not, more social phobia, normality in the house for the sake of everyone else, brings stability as a consequence. I thinks it's a fine line between what is typical 19 year old male behaviour and what is classed as an illness.

If I look at the bigger picture, it may also be a case of family dynamics. My son not being by husband's child and it was just the two of us for 10 years. Oh well, I'm sure we will find out more on Tues, and I pray things will get sorted.

Thanks for your responses.

[joeluke]

Not good for a 4 year old to be brought up with all this either

He'd be better off living elsehere, you'd all be better off with him living elsewhere

[ruthandsam]

Sorry to go on. S has only just started his medication - 3rd week and is due to see a counsellor on Tues for his assessment. I've been married to my H for 5 years now and we have a 4 year old girl E. Both S and E get on absolutely brilliantly but S doesn't have any other friends, only on the internet. He is extremely close to his Nan and she only lives 3 miles away. I'm classing it as more of a holiday - not a permanent thing. It has to be done or else my H is going to have a breakdown but the guilt on my part is tremendous.

[B00]

I'm in agreement with joeluke im afraid.

[joeluke]

Sorry boo but I had to read that twice just to make sure you said what I thought you'd said!

Very brave of you to admit it girl, not many do!

[ChocolatChip]

I thought that it might be the case that your husband might've come into the picture a little later. Maybe it's partly jealously? And the angst that is going on the house would probably not help him with wanting to come downstairs.
I do understand, and see that some of this is typical teenage behaviour, this is why I thought it might be good to have a referal to a pyschiatrist for further investigation if not done so already.

[ummmm]

ruthandsam - when I had my 19 year old nephew living with me I was gobsmacked at lazy he could be.

[joeluke]

'ChocolatChip

'the angst that is going on the house would probably not help him with wanting to come downstairs'

!!!

He's the one causing the angst, he's staying in bed til afternoon cos that's typical idle workshy teenager behaviour

[B00]

first time for everything joe ;-)

[joeluke]

Aye, try not to let it happen again eh?