He wants me to divorce him

[seshat]

I and my husband have been married for one year, we were married in a Catholic church as he is Catholic and I am Church of England. I was married previously, a long time ago when I was young. This was a mistake and the marriage was annulled. Now for some reason my husband says he wants a divorce as I am boring and like a monkey around his neck! He knows I do not want a divorce but says I must divorce him and I have a track record of failed marriages. I am deeply hurt by this, I love him dearly and think we can work things out but he wont even try. He said he did not want to get married to me anyhow and he only did it because his dad wanted us to get marreid and said he only had 5 years to live! I am also hurt by this as he let me go through the pain of the annullment derdging up all manner of things from the past so we could get married.
I told him if he really did want a divorce he must file for a divorce from me as I will not file for a divorce from him as I do not want a divorce as I love him dearly. He got very annoyed and said I was lying and I should file for a divorce from him. I think he is doing this because I had been married before and he wants other people to think it is my problem and not his.
Do you have any advice on this matter please? I feel so desperately upset as I love him so much.

Thank you.

[beso]

He can't even be bothered organising his own divorce?

Ask yourself very sincerely why on earth do you want to keep loving this jerk.

[boxtops]

Extraordinary. If he wants a divorce, let him divorce you, goodness knows what grounds he will cite for wanting one.

[Kiki-frog]

Rather brutally put, beso, but I agree absolutely!

This man isn't worthy of your love, sehat, but I know it's not possible just to 'unlove' someone. However, I really feel that if he wants a divorce, then he should be the one to get it sorted. I'm assuming that as a Catholic he doesn't want the stigma of being the one to initiate a divorce.

You say you've only been married one year. That's a very short time for someone to decide that they want a divorce. Might you just be going through a bad patch? If the answer is 'no', then you really are better off out of it. But let him do the donkey work if he wants out.

[ummmm]

Are you still living together?

[beso]

I don't think it is possible to use too brutal an expression when he describes his wife as "a monkey around his neck".

[ummmm]

One side of the story, remember.

[Kiki-frog]

Maybe, beso, but she loves him. That's why it seems brutal, even though it's true!

[seshat]

Hi.

Thank you all for your answers. I think you are right Kiki-frog he does not want the stigma of initiating a divorce. He told me that his mother warned him about the fact that I was married before (as I previously stated this was when I was young and I and my husband at the time realised it was a mistake) but now his family apparantly think the world of me and I get on really well with them all. He keeps bringing up the fact that I was married before and I am a failure.

I am totally bamboozled by this, on our wedding anniversary he come out with the fact that he wanted a divorce and ever since is keep going on about it and I really do not know why. He then said I have until the end of August to change my ways. That has now also changed to he wants me to divorce him now. I don't know what I am supposed to change. The monkey around his neck phrase is because he writes music and says that i am boring and dull with a sad life and I stand in his way stopping him from doing what he wants to do. This is so untrue, I encourage him if anything!

Yes we are still living together and I really want this to work but don't know what to do. He said he loves me but like a sister but them last night he said he did not like me at all.

I really do not want a divorce but I just feel like telling him to get on with it and just do what he wants as I am so confused!

[boxtops]

Seshat, if you get on well with his family, go and talk to his parents who wanted you two to marry, you don't have to live through this alone. He sounds thoroughly selfish. Why should YOU change - what about him? He'll have to think of a good reason for divorcing - he can't just put "bored".

[boxtops]

... and his monkey analogy is wrong anyway, if it makes you feel better - you can only be given a monkey on your back by someone else off-loading onto you, he opted to marry you from his own free will.

[seshat]

Thanks boxtops. I have thought about talking to his parents but am not sure whether to or not as he will accuse me of 'slagging' him off (his phrase not mine) to them and trying to turn them against him which is totally untrue.

I shall have another rethink about talking to them as I suppose it can't make matters any worse!

Thanks again.

[boxtops]

I would - you've nothing to gain by protecting them from the truth.

[Kiki-frog]

seshat, he married you. And you are what you are. It's unrealistic to expect you to turn into another person. Even if you feign being whatever it is that he thinks he wants, you'll still be you underneath.

It seems to me that he is calling all the shots at the moment. Well maybe it's time you stood your ground. How about suggesting that either you go to relationship counselling as a couple and try to figure out together what has gone wrong and what you can do to repair it, or else he can start sorting out a divorce himself. But he has to do that himself, not make you do it all.

[ummmm]

Do you have joint finances? Do you both own your property?

[Kiki-frog]

And yes, like boxtops says, discuss it with his family. And if he complains that you're slagging him off, then tough. Just tell him that you need to discuss this with adults, and he's not behaving like an adult at the moment.

[seshat]

Yes I will mmention councelling and see what he thinks. I am willing to try anything.

Thanks again :-)

[yogi-bear]

"and says that i am boring and dull with a sad life and I stand in his way stopping him from doing what he wants to do."

"as I am boring and like a monkey around his neck!"

"He said he did not want to get married to me anyhow and he only did it because his dad wanted us to get marreid and said he only had 5 years to live!"


Harsh hurtful words.........:(

Firstly, I'm so sorry for what you're experiencing from your husband at the moment, seeshat, but what makes him say those things about you?. He obviously has his side too.

It appears that even though you love him dearly, he doesnt think the same way. You can do what you like....talk to his parents......ask him to reconsider....FACT remains he has said these things to you and even if he takes it back, it'll probably come up again at some point in the future.

You gotta be realistic about it......ask for marriage guidance counselling and if he'll go to save what marriage you have........otherwise, and sorry to be brutal, but you are just putting off the inevitable.

I DO hope you sort this out with him and have a great life.....knowone deserves not too, eh?

All the best


Yogi xx

[Kiki-frog]

No, seshat, don't just mention counselling. Tell him that's what you're going to do as a couple, or else he has to sort out a divorce. End of. An ultimatum, pure and simple. I can't help thinking that being a bit assertive and standing up to him will make him look at you in a new light.

[seshat]

Thanks again.

Yes I will tell him not ask him and if he refuses...well that speaks volumes doesn't it?

Thank you for your help :-)

[Kiki-frog]

Good luck, and stay strong. x