Daughter wont stop attempting to hurt baby sister

[lylabellablueyes]

I have a 3.5 year old and 9 month old baby daughter.

My daughte does nothing but hurt or attempt to hurt her baby sister.

I have done all the stuff I should, such as involving, praising, letting her help. I give her time on her own with me. Etc etc.

My daughter was doted on before the baby and even now she still is. Loving grandparent. Me and her dad love her and give her loads of love. She's never left out (I made sure of that)

Nothing will stop her from being aggressive tho'. She steps on the baby's feet, nips her, pushes her. Grabs her (pretending to cuddle, she's sly about it)

I've tried the naughty step, bedroom, talking at her level. All that supper nanny rubbish too. She just does it again within ten minutes. I know she'll be all jealous etc, but it doesn't stop me being worried about the baby. The poor little mite is so scared when my eldest walks in the room, it's sad to see.

I just need advice before the baby is hurt. I never leave them alone and I have baby gates, but she does it right in front of me when they're together. It's total madness. I dread getting up in a morning at the minute. :(

[lilacben]

Oh dear you do have a problem here. Your daughter is really jealous and I can understand how you must feel. Does she go to nursery or playschool.? how is she with other children her age.? It seems she has been spoiled and now feels her nose has been pushed right out of place. I know you have said you have tried letting her help you prehaps you could let her do more to help you. Making a big fuss of her. Talk to her first , then the baby. ect. Get her more involved. What about a doll........getting her to treat the doll as you do the baby.? What happened when you had the baby.? Did you leave a present from the baby to her big sister.? when she came home. My daughter did that with the four of hers when each baby was born and has never had any jealousy. Let us know how you are getting on ok.? Brenda xx

[ladybirder]

I wish I could help you but I never had that problem.

The poor little mite is so scared when my eldest walks in the room

A 9-month old knowing what it is to be scared makes my blood run cold. Do you have a Health Worker who can help? Could your doctor recommend someone?

[annie0000]

Every time she does it, remove her from the room and any attention she might get (being ignored is a powerful weapon on a child who obviously loves attention - it's worse than being punished)........or sell her on ebay, whatever option is fine.

[whiskeryron]

I'm not sure about this but what do A/Bers think about rewards for being very good & helping mummy & taking stuff away from her for being bad ?
I have no idea how to do this but it's an idea in my head.
W Ron.

[tenrec]

Agree with annie0000.

[sherrardk]

How about some reward system (maybe a sticker for each 1/2 day she doesn't hurt the baby, with a little treat on the weekend for each full week) and the same punishment every time she does hurt the baby (I would go with the naughty step, she should understand the idea if she is 3 1/2). Good luck.

(PS - I obviously have no idea if it will work as I have never used a sticker chart and have rarely used the naughty step.)

[Prudie]

I read this yesterday and if it is as bad as you say I would call in professional help straightaway. I agree with ladybirder, "The poor little mite is so scared when my eldest walks in the room" is beyond naughty step type resorts and is very scary. it needs to be addressed before long term psychological effects get embedded.

[echokilo]

Child psychologist - asap!

[woofgang]

This is not something that should be being dealt with on here. Go to your doctor NOW tell the whole story and get both children the help that they need.

[woofgang]

now you've got it in surroundsound!

[askyourgran]

I wish I knew the answer to that, my neighbour has two boys, the older one bullies the younger boy when he thinks no-one is looking. I've seen him when they play in their garden. It's heartbreaking to see the sly nips and 'pretend fights' that go on. He is all sweetness and light when his mother appears. I think perhaps annie000 advice is right. Or have a chat with the health worker at your GP's clinic.

[LoftyLottie]

Agree with the above two postings. This is far more serious that normal jealousy and needs sorting out before it can go any further. There is no way you should be worried about leaving a 3.5 year old in a room with her baby sister in case she hurts the baby. And for a baby of 9 months to be experiencing this sort of fear is awful and damaging.

[LoftyLottie]

It was Prudie and Echo I was agreeing with but I also agree with Woofie. You have a serious problem that needs sorting urgently.

[yogi-bear]

Hi Lyla,

Sorry to hear about your problem......but as you seem to have tried quite a few

I would act right NOW, as it will only get worse as your 3.5 year old gets older, and more jealous and vindictive and get some proper help and advice from your GP or health visitors dept.....before it gets to the point that she hurts the baby.

Its really alarming what you say she does to your 9 month old baby...steps on her toes and pushes her nips her ( which I take is spiteful pinching )........I'm getting angry just thinking about it.....please get help NOW and see what a child psychologist suggests too, as echo mentions.

Good Luck my lovely x

[yogi-bear]

^ but as you seem to have tried quite a few methods without much success and are at your wits end.......

[boxtops]

Perhaps you need to remove the little one for a while, so that the 3.5 year old sees that nothing special happens when the baby's not there, she doesn't get any special attention if she's on her own with you.

I feel sorry for both your children - the big one for being so unhappy and vindictive when she's too little to understand those emotions, and the little one for bearing the brunt of these attacks, and not being able to lead a happy baby life. You need to get it sorted, now, before it gets any worse.

[lylabellablueyes]

Thanks for all the answers.

I have tried some of the above answers and my daughter has improved. she isn't hitting the baby or even being violent. Shes not perfect as she doesn't share with her or anything, but this is manageable compared to before.

As far as my baby being 'scared' when the eldest walks in the room. I think this has been taken too literal. The baby didn't run for cover or cry lol. She was just wary and watchful I suppose. I clearly wrote this wrong. If my baby was quaking with fear, I'd have more than just jealousy problems. Apologies for the misunderstanding in what I wrote. The times my eldest did attempt to hurt the baby is usually if I gave the baby attention, which to me explains it's just jealousy, which does suck for us all, but has improved majorly. My daughter has broken up for school now and again her behavious has dramatically improved, she hates school. I think this is another reason her behaviour was rubbish as she knew the baby was at home with me.

I did mention it to my health visitor who simply just advised me to do all the things I'd already tried. As previously stated though, things are much better now. I keep my eye on them and so things will be ok :).


I thought I'd better explain better as my original post sounded like the baby was being physically battered and bruised by the eldest, which is totally not the truth. As of I'd even contemplate writing in a forum if that was the case.

Bottom line is. Things are better and improving and I have two happier children, which means one happier mummy. I hope this has cleared things up a bit from my original post.

Thanks x

[annie0000]

hi lyla, thanks for the update, hope things continue to improve - do you think that maybe your older girl is maybe getting picked on in school and that is making her act up with her sister?.....just a thought, maybe it's a bit of a cry for help as well as a jealousy thing.

[lylabellablueyes]

Hi Annie

She did have a few issues with a boy that pushed her. She's quite sensitive though so went on about it for weeks. I had a word with the teacher and she kept an eye on them. It didn't happen again, but my daughter never really let it go. :-(. She is moving school after the summer anyway as the new school is much better and covers childcare for me returning to work. I'm sure she'll only get better as all round she is a fab little girl. She'll get there and hopefully will learn to love her sister. All I can do for now is watch them and get them through it :-)