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My daughter and partner scream and argue all the time....
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and it's driving me mad!!!
She is 12 and my partner has been with us since she was 4. We have lived together for 7 years.
My daughter is your typically moody hormonal child and she "back chats" a lot.
Thing is, whereby I say to her to go to her room when she back chats to me, thus defusing the situation, my partner will raise his voice to her, then she answers back even louder and it just escalates from there. It's not just the backchat though, he starts an argument over the slightest thing, like her leaving her yoghurt pot on the table and not taking it in to the kitchen.
I hate it and it really is now getting me down. I have spoken to them both about how it upsets me and I have told my partner to not raise his voice at her because it just makes matters worse and I have told my daughter how disrespectful it is to answerback. I have punished her in the past by not letting her see her friends and taking the laptop/games from her but to no avail, she still does it. I'm at my wits end!
I know this is going to sound bias but, apart from that she is a really lovely girl who is very generous and intelligent and I know some of my friends children are so much worse and I don't think my partner realises how good she is. He always seems to focus on the negatives with her and not the positives. She had a fantastic school report this year but he didn't praise her or anything.
What else can I do?
I know this is a common situation amongst step families, so I am hoping I can get some advice from people in the same boat.
As I am currently working I will periodically look for any answers. So please do not think I am ignoring you.
Many thanks
She is 12 and my partner has been with us since she was 4. We have lived together for 7 years.
My daughter is your typically moody hormonal child and she "back chats" a lot.
Thing is, whereby I say to her to go to her room when she back chats to me, thus defusing the situation, my partner will raise his voice to her, then she answers back even louder and it just escalates from there. It's not just the backchat though, he starts an argument over the slightest thing, like her leaving her yoghurt pot on the table and not taking it in to the kitchen.
I hate it and it really is now getting me down. I have spoken to them both about how it upsets me and I have told my partner to not raise his voice at her because it just makes matters worse and I have told my daughter how disrespectful it is to answerback. I have punished her in the past by not letting her see her friends and taking the laptop/games from her but to no avail, she still does it. I'm at my wits end!
I know this is going to sound bias but, apart from that she is a really lovely girl who is very generous and intelligent and I know some of my friends children are so much worse and I don't think my partner realises how good she is. He always seems to focus on the negatives with her and not the positives. She had a fantastic school report this year but he didn't praise her or anything.
What else can I do?
I know this is a common situation amongst step families, so I am hoping I can get some advice from people in the same boat.
As I am currently working I will periodically look for any answers. So please do not think I am ignoring you.
Many thanks
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I have every sympathy for you as I have been through something similar. My partner was always shouting at my daughter (who never deserved it, she didn't even back chat him). The way I have got round this situ, is not ideal but it sort of works. I've told him he is not to get involved in any aspect of her life - so basically they live together, talk to each other, but if she does anything that directly affects/bothers him he has to run it by me and I deal with it. But even this has lead to me and him arguing as sometimes I just feel he is so petty. I wish I had a better answer for you, hopefully some of the other ABers will have. My thinking is that your partner has got stuck in a rut with her, and he's feeding his own 'resentment' of her when she's not doing anything wrong, so that if she does all hell breaks loose over the pettiest thing. If this is the case then it's down to him to sort it in his own head. Lots of luck and I hope you can sort things x
Meg, that sounds like a good idea. So sorry that there have been problems between you both though.
Mr Alba and I have two sons, he thinks i smother them, I think he can be too strict. We argue (about them) but each son seems to have tuned out well.
Ice, does Mr Ice have any work stress going on? Is it just appearing over the past few months or has it been like this for years?
Mr Alba and I have two sons, he thinks i smother them, I think he can be too strict. We argue (about them) but each son seems to have tuned out well.
Ice, does Mr Ice have any work stress going on? Is it just appearing over the past few months or has it been like this for years?
Oh Meg888, thank you for your response.
That's certainly a suggestion I will consider. He works shifts of 4 on and 4 off and as she is at home and not at school it's made the situation worse when he looks after her. He doesn't make an effort to do things with her either, it's almost like he regrets getting involved with me because of her. That's the way I see it anyway.
That's certainly a suggestion I will consider. He works shifts of 4 on and 4 off and as she is at home and not at school it's made the situation worse when he looks after her. He doesn't make an effort to do things with her either, it's almost like he regrets getting involved with me because of her. That's the way I see it anyway.
Hard to say who is at fault but I wouldn't let my kids leave yogurt pots and the like on the table.
That said shouting isn't the answer. Have you been too soft with her in the past?
Maybe there is a lack of discipline?
Meg888
I've told him he is not to get involved in any aspect of her life
wow... how can that possibly work ?
That said shouting isn't the answer. Have you been too soft with her in the past?
Maybe there is a lack of discipline?
Meg888
I've told him he is not to get involved in any aspect of her life
wow... how can that possibly work ?
This sounds far more your partners fault than your daughters.
As has been suggested, ask him not to be so involved in her life.
The less they talk, the less she will shout at him (and him at her), the less they will argue.
He should be adult enough to "turn the other cheek" and walk away and ignore her.
He could have a quiet word with you afterwards saying he was upset by something she said (and you can talk to her), but for him just to shout back at her smacks of someone who is busting for an argument.
btw Her backchat may be a way of getting attention as maybe she feels she does not get enough attention from you.
Interesting you say "As I am currently working I will periodically look for any answers. So please do not think I am ignoring you".
This may be a "deeper" sentence than you imagine !!!
As has been suggested, ask him not to be so involved in her life.
The less they talk, the less she will shout at him (and him at her), the less they will argue.
He should be adult enough to "turn the other cheek" and walk away and ignore her.
He could have a quiet word with you afterwards saying he was upset by something she said (and you can talk to her), but for him just to shout back at her smacks of someone who is busting for an argument.
btw Her backchat may be a way of getting attention as maybe she feels she does not get enough attention from you.
Interesting you say "As I am currently working I will periodically look for any answers. So please do not think I am ignoring you".
This may be a "deeper" sentence than you imagine !!!
Hi icemaiden, I do sympathsie with your plight, and the underlying situation outlined in your last post.
i am step-dad to two daughters, we certainly had our times when the oldest was coming up to and through her teens.
Any child will play one parent off against the other - biological, or inherited - and that has to be dealt with by a united front. You must boith agree a set of rules of behaviour, and back each other to the hilt, even if you feel the other partner is wrong - you can discuss that away from the child at another time.
Screaming matches are simply not on - either your partner lacks the parenting skills, or he feels inadequate, and argues with your daughter as a peer, which she is plainly not.
You need a four-way chat - where raised voices are banned - and a few rules are laid down.
First and formost - respect is given to all by all. That means no shouting by anyone at anyone. Issues will be resolved by conversation and explanation, with a chance for discussion first - BUT - the parent has the final say. This must be backed up by reasonable discipline and firm boundaries.
Ironically, children appreciate the very boundaries that they push against - it makes them feel secure - hard to believe though that may be.
Your partner needs to understand that adolescence is a hard time for your daughter, she is learning who she is, and occasionally wants to be seen and treated as the adult she will soon become, and at other times, be the child she still it.
He needs lots of patience, and to learn to read potentail hot-spots and deflect them - this will come with some guidance and support from you.
Anyone who feels unsure and out of their depth will react with hostility, and that means your daughter and your partner, hence their propensity to yell at each other. You need to encourage noth of them to get along, and be nice - which makes for a far more pleasant househild.
Do not on any account allow anyone to play they 'You are not my dad / daughter' card - jump on that from day one.
You must reasure your partner about his role in the family - and with you - but he has to know that he is the adult, and the fgood behaviour example is his to give, and your daughter's to follow.
Be patient - keep communications lines open for everyone, and you wil get through this - promise!
i am step-dad to two daughters, we certainly had our times when the oldest was coming up to and through her teens.
Any child will play one parent off against the other - biological, or inherited - and that has to be dealt with by a united front. You must boith agree a set of rules of behaviour, and back each other to the hilt, even if you feel the other partner is wrong - you can discuss that away from the child at another time.
Screaming matches are simply not on - either your partner lacks the parenting skills, or he feels inadequate, and argues with your daughter as a peer, which she is plainly not.
You need a four-way chat - where raised voices are banned - and a few rules are laid down.
First and formost - respect is given to all by all. That means no shouting by anyone at anyone. Issues will be resolved by conversation and explanation, with a chance for discussion first - BUT - the parent has the final say. This must be backed up by reasonable discipline and firm boundaries.
Ironically, children appreciate the very boundaries that they push against - it makes them feel secure - hard to believe though that may be.
Your partner needs to understand that adolescence is a hard time for your daughter, she is learning who she is, and occasionally wants to be seen and treated as the adult she will soon become, and at other times, be the child she still it.
He needs lots of patience, and to learn to read potentail hot-spots and deflect them - this will come with some guidance and support from you.
Anyone who feels unsure and out of their depth will react with hostility, and that means your daughter and your partner, hence their propensity to yell at each other. You need to encourage noth of them to get along, and be nice - which makes for a far more pleasant househild.
Do not on any account allow anyone to play they 'You are not my dad / daughter' card - jump on that from day one.
You must reasure your partner about his role in the family - and with you - but he has to know that he is the adult, and the fgood behaviour example is his to give, and your daughter's to follow.
Be patient - keep communications lines open for everyone, and you wil get through this - promise!
Ummmm...I think they are both frustrated which is why they shout. Daughters hormonal. (not and excuse, but an explanation.)
albaqwerty....as far as I know he doesn't have any problems at work. I do ask him what sort of day he has had. I guess over the years this arguing has got worse and worse.
Mick-Talbot..I don't believe I have been soft with her, if anything I always thought I was quite strict.
Hi VHG....Very cryptic....but I hope this is what you mean...Spending more time with my daughter? I do work full time and it is hard to juggle family with work. I would love to be able to go part time and be with her more often but it's just impossible. I have taken a week off in August to spend some time with her which I am really looking forward to.
Andy-hughes...I agree with everything you say. Thankfully, no one has pulled the "your not my Dad/Daughter" yet. I'm actually surprised it hasn't been said. I'm sure it is at the back of his mind though.
I never seem to know where I am with him.
If she needs anything like clothes/school books/birthday presents I never ask him for the money. I hope that he offers but he never does. So financially I support her 100%.
albaqwerty....as far as I know he doesn't have any problems at work. I do ask him what sort of day he has had. I guess over the years this arguing has got worse and worse.
Mick-Talbot..I don't believe I have been soft with her, if anything I always thought I was quite strict.
Hi VHG....Very cryptic....but I hope this is what you mean...Spending more time with my daughter? I do work full time and it is hard to juggle family with work. I would love to be able to go part time and be with her more often but it's just impossible. I have taken a week off in August to spend some time with her which I am really looking forward to.
Andy-hughes...I agree with everything you say. Thankfully, no one has pulled the "your not my Dad/Daughter" yet. I'm actually surprised it hasn't been said. I'm sure it is at the back of his mind though.
I never seem to know where I am with him.
If she needs anything like clothes/school books/birthday presents I never ask him for the money. I hope that he offers but he never does. So financially I support her 100%.
I cannot see how keeping a step-parent out of her upbringing can solve anything but will bring about long-term resentment. I do think the birth parent is sometimes oblivious to children's faults in these situations. Far better for the 3 of you to sit down and thrash it out in my opinion. Don't suppose you have an independent who could mediate for you?
I am with Mick-Talbot's answer here.
Either you are a family, or youi are not - you cannot pick the bits that suit and ignore the rest.
If your partner wants to be a step-dad, that means he stumps up the lot - the time, the love, the patience, the money, everything, and if he is not doing that, and you are letting him not do that, this may be the root of the issues the three of you seem to have.
Selective parenting - pushing him out in effect - is never going to work - it will lead to a gang of two against one, and that way lies disaster.
You need to jhave a serious talk with your partner - it seems these shouting matches may indicate some deeper levels of unhapiness in him about his relationships with both of you.
Either you are a family, or youi are not - you cannot pick the bits that suit and ignore the rest.
If your partner wants to be a step-dad, that means he stumps up the lot - the time, the love, the patience, the money, everything, and if he is not doing that, and you are letting him not do that, this may be the root of the issues the three of you seem to have.
Selective parenting - pushing him out in effect - is never going to work - it will lead to a gang of two against one, and that way lies disaster.
You need to jhave a serious talk with your partner - it seems these shouting matches may indicate some deeper levels of unhapiness in him about his relationships with both of you.
I sometimes feel that he is a lodger mick! When I have asked for anything in the past he moans and whines that he has no money so I just didn't bother asking him anymore.
Sorry, in his defence, I thought he could perhaps give her £3.00 per week pocket money...if he felt she deserved it. That was a mistake! Every week he finds an excuse not to give it to her. She didn't bring her washing down....forgot to take her yorhurt pot in the kitchen....He seems to forget that he leaves his spoon on the sofa every evening and I have to take it in the kitchen for him in the morning!
Wish to god I never suggested it in the first place...
Hi Prudie...unfortunately I don't really have anyone who can be a mediator. definately think that we should "thrash it out" though. Under controlled circumstances.
Sorry, in his defence, I thought he could perhaps give her £3.00 per week pocket money...if he felt she deserved it. That was a mistake! Every week he finds an excuse not to give it to her. She didn't bring her washing down....forgot to take her yorhurt pot in the kitchen....He seems to forget that he leaves his spoon on the sofa every evening and I have to take it in the kitchen for him in the morning!
Wish to god I never suggested it in the first place...
Hi Prudie...unfortunately I don't really have anyone who can be a mediator. definately think that we should "thrash it out" though. Under controlled circumstances.
Hi Icemaiden. Not being sexist but as the father of three daughters I know how girls can be affected by hormones at your daughter's age, and that may even be aggravating the situation.
Having said that it appears your partner has never assumed any responsibility in any shape or form for your daughter and a child either needs two full-time parents or just one. Not one parent and an antagonist.
I do believe some form of counselling is called for and Relate could be your first port of call.
Does your partner have any family, a brother or sister who can look at his behaviour objectively?
Having said that it appears your partner has never assumed any responsibility in any shape or form for your daughter and a child either needs two full-time parents or just one. Not one parent and an antagonist.
I do believe some form of counselling is called for and Relate could be your first port of call.
Does your partner have any family, a brother or sister who can look at his behaviour objectively?
//Thankfully, no one has pulled the "your not my Dad/Daughter" yet. I'm actually surprised it hasn't been said//
IMO He'd be a hypocrite if he said this to her - would he treat his own in this manner? (does he have any?)
I'm on the end road (maybe) of my relationship with my partner, for many reasons among his utter lack of respect to my daughter which has done us the worst damage (after living with us both for 8 yrs and suddenly turning on her this year for no other reason than his own horrible issues). My reasons for telling him not to be involved with her were because he, like Ice's partner went over the top on every petty little thing - he was also giving my daughter pocket money, which he decided to stop then demand the back payments from me. I told him he's got no place to try and 'discipline' her as he puts it, she has me & her Dad for that, which we both do as per. He was also very negative about her, would give no praise or see any positivity in her at all. I'm not sure how long this is going to work for (if it ever does) but I had to find a way to make him step back; he feels it is working as he's not so wrapped up in his resentment towards her (his own admission) and hopefully we can try and build it from there once things are more settled as we've only put this in place 3 weeks ago - I'm sure he does love her, but he's at odds with a few things at the mo and he seemed to fire all his anger at her or at me about her. Like I said, it's not ideal and if this doesn't work then it's over - so I sincerely hope you can resolve this in the manner Andy H has suggested for all involved, as unfortunately I think we are way past that.
IMO He'd be a hypocrite if he said this to her - would he treat his own in this manner? (does he have any?)
I'm on the end road (maybe) of my relationship with my partner, for many reasons among his utter lack of respect to my daughter which has done us the worst damage (after living with us both for 8 yrs and suddenly turning on her this year for no other reason than his own horrible issues). My reasons for telling him not to be involved with her were because he, like Ice's partner went over the top on every petty little thing - he was also giving my daughter pocket money, which he decided to stop then demand the back payments from me. I told him he's got no place to try and 'discipline' her as he puts it, she has me & her Dad for that, which we both do as per. He was also very negative about her, would give no praise or see any positivity in her at all. I'm not sure how long this is going to work for (if it ever does) but I had to find a way to make him step back; he feels it is working as he's not so wrapped up in his resentment towards her (his own admission) and hopefully we can try and build it from there once things are more settled as we've only put this in place 3 weeks ago - I'm sure he does love her, but he's at odds with a few things at the mo and he seemed to fire all his anger at her or at me about her. Like I said, it's not ideal and if this doesn't work then it's over - so I sincerely hope you can resolve this in the manner Andy H has suggested for all involved, as unfortunately I think we are way past that.
Parkdale-He does have a sister who is also is a step-parent to her husbands son. Maybe talking to her would help. They are not particularly close and have very opposite opinions on things. But it is a thought. Thank you.
Meg888-I am so sorry for your situation. My situation sounds so much like yours. I really do love him but I cannot live like this for much longer as it is making everyone so unhappy. He doesn't have any children of his own, my daughters dad is not around which I thought would have made it easier for the situation to work as there wasn't another Dad to step in.
Can I ask Meg888, why does your partner resent your daughter so much?
Meg888-I am so sorry for your situation. My situation sounds so much like yours. I really do love him but I cannot live like this for much longer as it is making everyone so unhappy. He doesn't have any children of his own, my daughters dad is not around which I thought would have made it easier for the situation to work as there wasn't another Dad to step in.
Can I ask Meg888, why does your partner resent your daughter so much?
With teenagers you have to pick your fights. A yoghurt pot to me is not worth a quarrel. I would pick it up and put it on her bed. If she comments I would say you left it on my table I don't want it there it is yours so here it is in your room. In the words of Richard Carlson don't sweat the small stuff and it is all small stuff. Your husband needs to get his frustration under control and exercise a little patience. Teenage girls are a nightmare but they do grow out of it. My eldest daughter and her dad clashed right up til she left home and even then meetings were tense. She has grown up now and keeps very. All and polite. Sadly he hasn't really grown up and sometimes I feel he is looking for a fight but she doesn't rise to it.
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