Family Problem

[twilightflyer]

I hope you kind folk can bear with me on this.......My step daughter is married to this awful guy who treats her like s... and also her two sons, anyway the rest of my wife's family consists of two sons and two daughters who are married with children put on BBQ's and of course so do we (by the way we are pensioners in our 70's). Also not many of the family like this guy for the reasons mentioned ,I would say that the family has put on 3 or 4 lots of BBQ's each and this guy comes to each and every BBQ and eats our food, I am sorry if this is a bit long winded but my question is, is how do you tell someone like this that he is not welcome to your BBQ without upsetting his wife who just so happens to ' love him very much' what a cliche.Why do I as this question? well he has never ever put on a BBQ for the family but regularly come to ours,What do I say? or is my wife and I selfish and just let it go for the sake of my wife's daughter?

[murraymints]

You really have to grin and bear it for daughters sake..it could cause her grief otherwise and if he really is so bad to her would you want it to get worse ?

Perhaps a quiet mother and daughter talk is needed.....does she want out of this relationship ...does she need help or support to do so...or is she ok with her lot.....that kind of talk....difficult ..but...you just have to be there for her whatever she wants....

[anneasquith]

she '' loves him very much'' no choice but to invite him im afraid, but he could get the burnt sausages !!

[pixie373]

While she is with him, you need to involve him. I agree with minty that it might be worth your wife having a word with her. It's hard for me to tell from what you've written, whether this is something quite serious, or whether it's an impression you have, which may or may not be both sides if the story.

[Tis-I-Podstick]

As others have said, there are many different answers depending upon the type and depth of sh-t we are talking about. If you are worried about the health or well being of your daughter or grandchildren there are things you can do. But word of warning - any actions regarding involving outside agencies can have devastating effects and can cause more harm than good. There are times when involvement can help but before you go down any such drastic route you need to be very sure that this is warranted. Maybe a self confidence course for your daughter (if she would be interested, maybe you could ask her to go with you to be company for you). Your local sure start centre may know of where some are being held. Another option would be for you to approach Oasis in your local area. They would be able to assess your worries and may be able to either help or reassure you that things are perhaps not as bad as you fear. In the meantime I agree that by excluding him from BBQs may rock the boat and cause more problems for your daughter.

[coccinelle]

There is a reason why your step-daughter married this man and why she loves him. he might be somebody who is quite insecure and treats close family like you say, to make him look superior (which of course doesn't work in front of intelligent people). he might not be like this with your step-daughter when nobody is around or if he is, it doesn't bother her as she knows it's due to his insecurity. I know couples where one pulls the other down to 'pull' themselves up and I've never understood it but that's how it is.
You do say, not many of the people like this guy, so there in fact some who do and maybe they can see through him. Just keep on inviting him and give him a couple of jobs to do to keep him out of the way...

[EcclesCake]

I've been mulling this over and I'm really not sure if the problem is how the chap treats the step-daughter and her children or if it is to do with not reciprocating with a BBQ.

[ummmm]

But it's not just him that hasn't put a BBQ on, it's your daughter too.

I have never put on a BBQ expecting my friends or family to return the favour.

[Just-Jude]

...maybe he can't cook!

[happyone2]

i agree with ecclescake..........your post is far more about them not doing a BBQ than their apparent marriage problems.

One solution therefore might be to suggest, that each family who organises a BBQ are given say £10 per attending family toward costs...................... and either just not take the money from the others or take the money and stop worrying about who does BBQs or not.......because if they dont they will just pay more than anyone else !!!

[Sparkles62]

Unfortunately they come as a family, and you can't exclude him without causing big headaches, its just one of those things.
We are having the same sort of thing with step sons current girl friend,
we are a large family, and all get together at least once a month,
this girl completely spoilt our last night out, she is the most objectionable, obnoxious female I have had the displeasure to meet.
Everybody tried so hard to include her, make her welcome, etc, but I don't know why we bothered.
Am I looking forward to the next family get together....NO
Am I going to try to arrange it last minute, for an evening when she can't come....YES
Am I a horrible person.....I think I must be. X

[brandyrose]

If he can cook! ...could you get him an apron - get him over early and give him some things to do to help you and pretend you felt he had been left out!! - and get a few others to insist that he help out (that he'd be great) and dont let him give no for an answer.

Could tell him then that he's a natural and he must have his own and you'll help him out ....I'm not saying it would work but it might if you encourage his OH too.