What's the best course of action when your child is self-harming?

[kazza55]

We have recently discovered that out 13 year old daughter is self harming. She has been cutting her arms. The first time we noticed it, a couple of months ago, I was horrified and tried to talk to her about it in a non-confrontational way, and she did promise not to do it again. This weekend I dicovered she has been cutting herself again. Her arm looks quite bad now and it could leave scars. She has also recently been in some trouble at school for being disruptive in class and not obeying uniform rules. This is not the first time either, although she does work hard at school. It feels like we are walking a tightrope all the time, as we don't want to be constantly nagging and on her back all the time, but she won't listen and has very little respect for us at times.

We have always done all in our power to try and make sure that she has a loving,happy and secure home life, and praise,support and encouragement along the way.

I am wondering what to do now. My first thought tonight is to take daughter to see the doctor a.s.a.p., although I would probably have to drag her there. I don't want to make things worse for her,but am so frightened and worried about this. What would you do if it was your daughter?

[tigilou]

Thats a bit of a tough question i totally see where your coming from with the nagging bisuness this will just wind her up more and more. If it was my daughter i would make an appointment to see the doctor myself and explain to them you cant get her down there and you dont know which way to turn. They might refer you on to someone who can help. Do you know why she is doing it? Bullying worried about exams etc. My sis also 13 has just had some exams and she is a complete wreck where school has pushed her and pushed her. Good luck and i hope you get the help you deserve

[Maggie-Mae]

Whoa, I think this is a very serious situation and you really need to seek professional advice either from your GP or contact your local health authority to see if they can put you in touch with someone who can offer support to your daughter and yourselves. As tigilou said, she may be experiencing problems at school or problems personally/emotionally. Good luck, I hope everything works out ok xx

[Greedyfly]

This is hard but if left it will most probably get worse - the best thing to do is to first make an appointment with the gp - even if she wont go it will help you to get more info etc... and some help. Also look on the net there are quite a few sites now that give advice to both the harmer and people surrounding the harmer.

I know people who have been through this and I know a person who still goes through it now after 10 years of doing it, its awful to know of and I couldnt imagine how I would feel if I had children. As you have suggested there is obviously a cause for this and teens often find it hard to takl and open up I know I did when I was young. Does she have a best friend you could have a chat with? Maybe they might have a better view on why? I would definatly see a doctor though whether it be with your daughter or not, they will be able to give you the advice and help that you need.

http://www.selfharm.org.uk/default.aspa

http://www.selfharm.org.uk/default.aspa

[Greedyfly]

http://www.nshn.co.uk/

[curiosity]

On Ab Editors blog there is a link to Young minds website (it's the last one) they will give you excellent advice. You can go to your GP by yourself and discuss this. Sometimes this is part of a culture (usually Goth, Emo), sometimes a coping mechnanism for internal distress. But you are right to act if you think this is going to scar (it might be worth talking to her about when she wants that lovely off the shoulder dress in 2 years time for the school leaving dance, or goes sunning herself with her mates at 18) she might not realise at 13 that this can scar for life. She also might not be able to think that far ahead, but it will be noted by her and will serve to create an argument in her head when (and if) she next comes to self harm. Good Luck.

[curiosity]

Kazza Have you seen Rugeleyboys post on B&S it's this culture I'm talking about, it might be of some help to you.

[malaise]

Can I just point out that music most certainly does not cause this type of behaviour. That's an extremely narrow-minded and sensationalist point of view. I think you'll find that most teenagers who behave in such ways can relate to that type of music, and this is why self-harming behaviours seem more prevalent in this subculture. Furthermore, musical artists from these genres actively discourage this type of behaviour, though this is a fact that the wide majority of the general public choose to dismiss.

Kazza: I was that 13-year old self-harming daughter. Fortunately for me, this period passed, and I put it down to teen angst and depression. I believe that forcing your daughter to see the doctor would cause her a great deal of embarrassment, and would provoke anger towards you, which I am sure you don't want to do. I personally think that the best course of action would be to contact a helpline, and maintain your supportive attitude towards your daughter. Let her know that it's upsetting you, and that you want to help, but you really must be non-judgemental, as I remember the stares of ill-concealed disgust I used to get from adults and health professionals, and that made me want to cut more. I've since had training for dealing with self-injurious behaviour, and the main points were never to take away the individual's "tools" as having a knife or scissors handy is often like a safety blanket. Also, never act alarmed or disgusted (as difficult as that is) and make sure that all cuts are dressed properly, if needs be. If you catch her doing it, that may be an excellent opportunity for a heart-to-heart, as long as you don't chastise her behaviour.

I wish you the best of luck in speaking to someone who can be more helpful in how to prevent this situation, and I hope it's something that she too grows out of. x

[Jules001]

a friend of mine had a similar experience with her daughter, it was mainly down to depression brought about by a hormone imbalance magnified at the time of the month. Please try to get her to see a doctor about it. My aunt works for the British Red Cross and does skin camouflage on people with bad scarring and she is getting more and more self harmers, please try and get your daughter to see the long term effects of what she is doing. I know this is easier said than done. I really can't say what I would do if it was my daughter and hope I don't ever have to go there my daughter is 14. I feel for you and hope that you can get this sorted out quickly. All the best.

Jules

[pompomfairy]

worst thing u can do is send her 2 a shrink i mean my best friends parents sent her 2 one because she self harmed it drove her nuts and nearly ended up doing sumthing that was reli bad try and find out wot is making ur daughter do this there is always a reason i mean the stress of everything when ur 13 is amazing and not to sound all high and mighty but parents forget it sumtimes

[curiosity]

Sorry Malaise, I wasn't blaming musicians for self harming behaviour, I can see why you consider this to be narrow minded. Whether young people relate to the music or the music relates to them is a different argument, I was merely signposting Kazza to Rugeleys post as it was similar to me mentioning a "culture thing" which by the way like it or not does exist. I also agree with you about non-judgemental responses and not over reacting in either a negative or positive way. However what concerns me about labelling/accepting that someone is a selfharmer and allowing them their tools is fine with established self harmers, but Not with 13 yearolds who may or maynot become so. As a first option that is irresponsible in my view and potentially condoning and validating. Anyway kazza & daughter & malaise good luck.

[alijangra]

I was a self-harmer in my teens. Probably the worst thing my parents could have done was mention it let alone made a fuss about it and drag me to the doctor. To me it was a very private and personal thing.

[kazza55]

Thank you all so very much for your replies, it really does help to get some insights and other people's experiences and opinions about self harming. The links are also helpful. My own perceptions of self harmers have now changed dramatically and I am having to rethink my whole attitude and I have great sympathy for others that self harm and the complex reasons why they do it. I self harm everyday - I am a smoker! The links were very helpful too, and have made me realise that there is much more help and support out there than I had thought.

In my daughters case, I think the reasons for her cutting herself may be due to low self esteem,pressure at school and anger. Maybe anger at being 13 and feeling frustrated and powerless over her young life, ie. rules at home, school uniform, her social life being restricted. (she has been grounded so many times lately, but it doesn't seem to help much) After the initial shock about finding out what's been happening, I've decided not to take daughter to the doctors, that could make things alot worse and destroy her trust in us as parents. The hormonal imbalance theory was interesting, as our daughter does have a really bad,emotionally charged time during her period and is extremely bad tempered with it. It was at the same time that she cut her arm.

That was interesting about the culture thing. I know that she is aware of the Gangsta thing and likes Xibit. I found that she had downloaded it recently onto the PC and listened to a bit of that, it is disgusting and I deleted it. Please could someone tell me what is EMO? I've heard that mentioned recently.

Many,many thanks to you all. I am so grateful for all your replies. It has helped alot.

[marymoose99]

Hi, I am sorry to hear that your daughter has been self-injuring. I'm afraid that you cannot make someone who self-injures promise not to do it again. It has to be something that she gives up when she is ready, and when she has alternative coping mechanisms in place.

There are no easy answers I'm afraid. Taking her to the doctors against her will probably won't help matters. Of course if injuries are ever serious then medical attention MUST be sought.

Please visit www.lifesigns.org.uk for more information about self-injury. We have a factsheet available for download about how to help family/friends. Your daughter needs to know that she is not alone, and that there is help available.

Take care

Mary (LifeSIGNS Director)