Not my daughters father???

[minime123]

I need some advice my daughter is nearly 11 and does not know that her dad is not her real dad! He has been there since she was 1 year old, but we know that we have to tell her soon but just don't know where to start!!

[Mammar]

That is a biggie.
I suppose at that age she will be aware about how complex families set-ups can be but she won't be expecting to have to deal with it herself.
I think the main thing is that,actually, the dad she knows and loves is, in effect, her "real" dad. He's the one who has been there through all the ups and downs of her life so far and no doubt always will be. Both your daughter and your other half need to acknowledge that.
What you have to tell her is that she also has a biological dad. She's likely to want to know more about him so you need to be prepared for that, however painful those memories might be.
Heaven only knows how you broach the subject. If anyone out there has already had to do this they may be able to tell you. I am sure you are doing the right thing telling her about this now though. You have a valid reason for not telling her before as it needs a certain amount of maturity to be able to understand and cope with a revelation of this sort.
Am sending lots of love and support over cyber-space to you and your loved ones x x

[bubblegum-31]

Hi,
i sympathise deeply with your situation and also for your little girl. My father adopted me when i was a baby and my parents were told to tell me from an early age that my father wasnt my real dad but they said there was never a right time, and years went by and i eventually got told when i was 21 years old. This broke my heart and it took a long time for it to sink in and i went to meet by biological father for my own curiousity but he wasnt my dad and never would be and i only met him a couple of times and ive never stayed in touch with him again and that was 12 years ago. I love my dad and he will always be my dad no matter what afterall he is the one that brought me up and he was the one that was there for me when i was ill or upset, i sometimes wish id been told when i was a little younger but at the same time im sort of glad that they left it as maybe it would have changed my attitude when i was too young to understand. I had a very happy childhood and i wouldnt change that for the world, your daughter is very lucky to have a father that loves her and she will realise this as i did.
She is gonna need lots of love and support from both of you when u do decide to tell her and i really really do wish you all the very best and happiness for the future.
xxx

[thingummyjig]

tell her that her dad fell in love with her before he fell in love with you; tell her a story (even made up) about when you met and that as soon as he saw her he knew he wanted to be her daddy!

[bubblegum-31]

the above post is a very good idea!! and very very sweet

[andy-hughes]

What ever you do, stress the difference between being a 'father' and being a 'dad' - i am sure she already knows the difference for herself, but make sure.

[FoxLee]

Been going through the topics and have only just seen your post. I was wondering if a way to lead into the conversation might be to talk about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt who are currently adopting another child. You could say how much they love these children although they weren't born to them. You would gauge your daughter's reaction to this and perhaps gently lead the conversation round to what you want to tell her.

[ReinaLuna]

Good idea Foxlee... children nowadays are so smart, much more than we imagine sometimes... and these actors are famous, their story is going around everywhere, so Minime's daughter probably has heard of them already. It would be good to make a comment on it and see her reaction, which would show you, maybe, if she is already mature enough to know the truth about her own dad?

And hey, Mammar, I've read a couple of your answers here and please, can I have some of this love you send to people? I am really needing a mummy love as mine is so far away in Brasil while I am alone in England and although my boyfriend's mum is nice, I don't feel for her like I feel for some of my friends's mums, that maternal love you see...

Well good luck minime and let us know what have you decided about your daughter... :o) I'm sure whatever you decide, it's with love and the best of intentions, so it should be the right thing.