just found out after 29years my dads not myreal dad

[nickynoonoo]

hi found out other day my dads not my real dad im 29years old and finding it hard 2 take it in .29 years is a long time i dont no if i should go find my real dad or just leave it .Im not going 2 say owt 2 my dad that has been there 4 me as i dont want 2 hurt him i love him 2 much 2 hurt him like that .My auntie has told me my real dads name an where he drinks an he dont live far from me but really dont no wot 2 do my heads in bits i also found out he had 2 sons so i have 2 half brothers aswell can any1 help me x

[legend760]

quite a predicament.

you need to think long and hard.
whatever you do will effect everyone around you .

[4GS]

Write to your biological father, do not just turn up on his doorstep, he has moved on and got a new family, including a wife/partner and he will need to explain to them that you exist, if he hasn't already.
Your other Dad, the one you have called "Dad" of the past 29 years needs to know that he will always always be your Dad and not be replaced by this other person.
It's a minefield and I predict that someone will get hurt, tread lightly
Good luck.

[jake-the-peg]

Absolutely - there's more to being a father than there is to being a biological father!

When he finds out that you know I'd reckon the first thing he'll be worried about is that you'll be angry with him for never telling you so make sure that he knows you're not

[nickynoonoo]

he was marred but not with his wife when he met my mum but think then they got bk 2gether an thats when my mum found out she was having me then met my dad when she was 3 months gone with me x

[4GS]

Does he know about you?

[VillageVicar]

Nicky: The man whom you know as your father IS your father. He is the person who has cared for you, protected you, guided you, inspired you and constantly loved you. He is the person to whom you�ve turned to celebrate your successes and mourn your losses. There is no question who your father is.

Yes, you have a biological father. Your emotions in possibly wanting to meet him, to learn about him are valid emotions. However, as you are now an adult, I feel it�s important to keep this in perspective. As I�m not familiar with all the circumstances here, it might be important to ask yourself whether your biological father wanted or ever endeavoured to contact you. What role did your mother play in this �if any. And are you able to discuss it with her? Could there have been important reasons as to why it wasn�t appropriate at that time for this to be common knowledge among the family.

Whatever your decision, if you decide to approach your �father� about this, please ensure that whatever you ask and present is presented with a firm statement of love and devotion and those positive, enforcing and uplifting words of how much you love your �father.�

I wish you well

Fr Bill

[nickynoonoo]

thankyou villagy vicar thats y im fining it so hard coz he is my dad and always will be this has been a big family secret 4 29years my mum dont no that i no the reson i was told is that my dads mum sent a xsmas card last year 2 me and my sisters in mine it said form sams mum then she just put her name but in my sisters it said love nan an then she treats my kids differnt from my sisters little girl x

[nickynoonoo]

i think he knows my mum told him when she found out she was having me x

[andy-hughes]

As always, Village Vicar gives sound and logical advice tempered with massive amounts of humanity and understanding.

I am 'step father' (I have no time for the expression personally) to my older two daughters, and as i have said to people in the past - they have a father, but I am their Dad.

Anyone can be a father, it's easy - being a Dad is the hard bit, and you must remember that always - as I am sure you do.

Your link to this other man is biological only - in trhe ways that matter - the formation of you as an individual, you owe all that to your Dad, and his feelings must always come first in anything you do.

[4GS]

I don't envy you, I would sit down with your parents, and explain what you know, (I expect there will be tears) and ask for their advice, if you do want to meet your biological father, then as I said, you need to gently let him know his intentions, he may not want you in his life, or he may, if he does, then it's up to him to tell his family. I say this becaus a very dear friend went through the same thing and just turned up on his Dad's doorstep, worst thing he could have done, it caused misery and upset all round, more to his step dad as he didn't tell him what he was doing.

[nickynoonoo]

oh yes he will always come 1st .See my son i told him about his real dad when he was 8 as i thought it was only right he new didnt want him 2 find out like i have at my age x

[nickynoonoo]

i really dont want 2 tell my mum an dad that i no. my mum is really not an easy person 2 talk 2 shes always right and where always wrong if im honest she scares me find it hard 2 stand up 2 her an she told my auntie that i would never find out bout my dad .

[VillageVicar]

Nicky: Nicky, I really have compassion for the emotions you must be experiencing at this moment. It is a complex issue in the dynamic of family relations.

Taking into account what you�ve shared about your mother, perhaps then it is first most important that you decide for yourself what you wish to have happen. Do you wish to meet your biological father? Are you emotionally prepared should he reject you? Do you envisage the forming of any relationship with this man? And, considering what you�ve shared here this evening, do you feel that in telling your mother of your knowledge, could it create discord and distress within the family, thus causing stress for you, your own child and the man who has raised you as his own? I feel these are important, private issues which you must first consider.

If your ultimate decision is to speak with your biological father, then perhaps it may be best that you first speak with him privately and not mention this to anyone else. Should you feel the relationship between your caring father is such that the two of you can speak privately, perhaps you would feel better sharing your thoughts with him privately and not, at this time, include your mother.

The advice we share is always somewhat abstract as we can�t possibly fully appreciate all of the facets of your family dynamic.

Nevertheless, we are here if you wish to think further about what you wish to do. However, based upon what you�ve shared now, I�m not certain there�s much more advice I could offer that would be different than what I�ve already shared.

Please do let us know how you get along.

You are in my thoughts

Fr Bill

[applejac1]

its a difficult situation to be in but i know exactly how your feeling i to have been in your space although i was 24 first and formost the father you know and love you know about but the suspence will proberbly drive you to meet this man only to satisfy and answer the questions that you will have some nice some not so nice go find him and satisfy yourself but remember he hasnt bothered to find you so dont expect to much you have a dad already so there is no loss go and get your answer your feel much better and you can judge 4 yourself and put it behind you i wish you every luck