step son

[ethanryan]

hi, i have a 6 year old step son who stays with us every other weekend. i have been with his dad for 4 and a half years and we have two sons together. problem is he wont listen to me. when i tell him off, he says things like my mom said i dont have to listen to you or you cant shout at me your not my mom. i dont like telling him off as he isnt my son but he cant be allowed to do what he wants. i believe when he is in my house, if my sons cant do something then neither can he. my two sons are nearlly 2 and 3. all the boys get on well and just have the normal fights over toys that kids have.
i have tried playing the step mom role and it dont work, so i tried playing the friend role, but he isnt interested either. i brought him a sticker book and thought that i would buy his stickers and it is something we can do together, but 5 minutes after the stickers are done he is back to normal and dont listen. my 2 boys are no angels but i have brought them up to respect there things. my step son was over at the weekend and within half hour of been in the garden, he had snapped the handle off my bike, pulled a wheel off a trike and kicked the door down off the play house.his dad did bring him in and tell him off and made him sit on the sofa for a while with no toys but it makes no difference. i do feel my partner should be a bitter harder with him but he hates telling him off cause he dont see much of him.i understand that when he does have him that he wants his son to haev fun but he still needs correcting. my partner spoke to the childs mom to see if he is braking toys at home too, and she just said yeah he does but there only toys no big deal, so she is no help at all.

am i wrong to ask my partner to be a bit more strict with him?
and how did other people bond with there step children.

[MORELLO]

Slightly different but I know what you mean. I have an 'unofficial' 7 year old stepson (been with me since he was 11months) who can act up at times. His dad is a complete waste of space who refuses to discipline him and undermines our attempts to teach him right and wrong at every turn. As you say, this is because of the limited time he has with him, but as a result there is no continuity. As an example he lashed out at his mum - I shouted, and talked to him, explaining what he had done wrong and why it was wrong - and that my son who is 6 months old wouldn't get away with it in years to come - his dad just said "It's his thing, he's seven..." and took him the footy match which his mum said he wasn't go to as a punishment... I could go on and on. Bottom line, it isn't easy when there are children and more than two interested parental parties involved. Stick with it, I'm sure you're doing a good job.

[ethanryan]

thanks morello, its just so hard to know what is right and wrong. his mom is telling him he dont have to listen to me but i believe any child that is in my house plays by my rules. im not strict i just teach my 2 boys manners and respect where as when he is at home he can do what he likes, he hits his mom swears and basically rules the house. i know its not his fault as he is only doing what he is used to doing but cant handle him been like it around my boys as they will start to copy

[MORELLO]

Your right, he should listen to you in your house, and, like in my case you're not getting the support you should be from his mum - his dad in my case. She is in fact undermining any positive role you are trying to play, and as there is a risk of your boys copying, your partner should really be sticking his neck out if only on this one issue for now.

[FoxLee2]

Without a doubt, your stepson needs to be told when his behaviour is not acceptable and to be disciplined, have time out, etc. when necessary. His father may be reluctant to do this as he only sees him alternate weekends but look ahead ten years. Is your stepson going to be one of these yobs we keep reading about in the papers, terrorising people, beating them up and kicking their heads in because they've been told off for a minor thing. The bottom line is children need boundaries and when your stepson is in your home, he needs to get the message that he will abide by your rules.

[ethanryan]

thanks everyone. foxlee i agtree totally agree. my partner does tell him off but i do feel he gets away with too much. it dont help me that his ex is still really close to his mom ad dad and that they dont like me ( because he left his family home to br with me ), so she has there full support to.
i dont want it to get to the stage where i ont want him to come, because he is only a child and has had a tough couple of years athome and school. i want to help this child. when he was been bullied at school it was me he told, becauss hedidnt want his mom to know and e knows i dont see his mom. so one minute he is coming to me or help d the next he is horrible.

[FoxLee2]

He sounds a very confused little boy. All you can do is give him lots of love and cuddles and praise when he's being good and behaving well, playing nicely with your sons but also letting him know when his behaviour is wrong. Would a sticker chart or a reward system work for him? Say he gets a smiley face for doing little things like helping to lay the table, pick up toys and so on and when he gets a certain amount, he'll get a reward. But if his behaviour is not good, then a big black cross goes across a smiley face and that way he'll see there is an actual consequence for his bad behaviour.

[spudqueen]

When he next says 'you're not my Mum na na na na na nay' you could point out that when in your house you expect him to abide by your rules. Say that his brothers also have the same rules and you're not treating him any differently to them.
Good luck.

[ethanryan]

he is a very confused little boy. his mom has moved house 4 times in 2 years. when he is at home he can do as he pleases. stays up as late as he wants, lies in his bed watching tele till all hours etc. so when he comes to us we have rules and he is not used to it. i dont allow him to watch tele in bed. at home he sits in his bedroom watchin tele all the time. i dont mind the children watching tele but they watch it down stairs with me, i believe they are too young even at 6 to be stuck in there bedroom watching tele.
my 2 boys go to bed at 7pm and we allow him to stay up till 8pm as he is older, i think this is late enough seen as he is normally up at 6am. do you agree?

[MORELLO]

Admittedly 'my' 7 yr old has a TV in his room - something I said I would never get him - but it's what kids have these days, along with the playstation which is what he uses it for. We don't allow him to spand excessive time in his room alone, but half an hour here and there playing a game/watching kids TV is OK. His bedtime is 8 during the week and 9 at the weekend when he usually watches a DVD with a few treats with me or his mum...

[Le Chat]

ethanryan. Great answers. If I could add one point. Your partner is probably 'parenting through guilt' which is very common in cases where parents have split. One or the other (or both) parents feel guilty that they have inflicted their break up on their child and this leads them to try and make themselves 'feel better' by letting the child off the hook when it comes to discipline. Your partner needs to step up to the plate - or his son will never be able to self discipline himself as an adult - if he is not disiplined effectively as a child.
You are doing a great job and sound like a lovely Mum. You are not the primary care-giver, so the onus should not be on you instill discipline. (although it seems to have been left to you!)
After the age of 6 - a child uses as his/her greatest role model, the same sex parent, so your partner needs to take hold of the reins and get to work.

[ethanryan]

thanks for your answers everyone. yes your right i have been left to do the discipline even with my own 2. because there dad is at work all day and only see's them in the evenings he dont seem to be able to tell them off. he says i am hard on them but i dont smack them, i dont scream and shout at them but yes i do have rules. my boys have always had a routine, dinner around half 5 then bath story and bed at 7, as they no longer have a sleep in the day and are early risers i think this late enough. i put the step son to bed later as he is older and plus it gives him a bit of one to one with his dad.
i am only 24 so havin 2 toddlers is hard enough without the stress of another child.
what do you all do with 6 year old's. maybe we could take him out more to occupy his mind. he dont like any sport, wont go swimming, all he does is sit in front of the tele. any ideas for things to do that the younger ones can join in with too

[Le Chat]

With both my boys, we have always had to go out, out, out! Neither have ever been content with pottering around the house like some kids. We go to parks, down to the squirrels, the beach, animal farm, kidsplay centres...and so it goes on. Tiring and in no way relaxing and lots of hard work but better than the alternative, which is agitated, arguing and bored children...that is much harder to take!!!