relationship advice about family.

[calvin]

I need another view point on family behaviour. My uncle came (from Devon) to visit (Cornwall) to drop off a present from my mother (London). I offered to come to him but he wanted to come and as it was on a day that I was working we agreed to go out for lunch on my lunch break. As I was delayed by work for a bit he arrived when my wife was there and our little one year old pug (who had just had a hysterectomy two weeks earlier). The pug was happy to see him(as she had never seen him) and was running all round him eagerly, he kept saying sit down and when she wouldn't stay sitting he started pushing her down hard on the floor .My wife said not to treat the dog that way and picked her up and put her in her bed away from him but he wouldn't leave it and went on about how animals need discipline and to be hit to which my wife said not in her house.She then got on with some paper work to let him calm down but he stormed upstairs without a word, came back down after having gone to the loo and said say to me heed been and left after being only ten minutes. My wife was livid by this behaviour especially when he sent me an email a few days later saying - "I timed my visit to fit in with your lunch break as agreed. When I arrived D greeted me & pointed out the new porch, which looks really good. Unfortunately when the dog made his presence known he was very exciteable & out of control. As a result of this D & I decided we had very different views on how best to manage such behaviour. However, from that moment D never looked at me again & her attitude became very cold & disapproving, this was made clear. I thought she was lacking in good manners & added to which she never even offered me a drink, despite my having made the journey for you. I left after only 10minutes because I felt too uncomfortable to stay for your arrival. I am very sorry to have missed you" All feedback is appreciated on what you would say or do in response?

[meglet]

Diffilcult one Calvin and you are in a very unfortunate position stuck between the two. I have a friend with a rambunctious dog who is a complete pain and is totally untrained. She's a good friend so I tell her this but I would never advocate training through punishment as your uncle does. No professional dog training school uses such methods after all.

Suggest you email your uncle back and point the above out.

Your wife's actions were understandable in that she left him to calm down, but he's just taken this as rudeness. I think you should also include in your reply how your wife didn't want to make a bad situation worse, hence she backed off a bit.

Point out that the whole episode was a misunderstanding, thank him for making the journey and apologise that you couldn't make it in time to see him. Tell him you feel it best that a line is drawn under this now and invite back for a lunch or something. And probably a good idea to keep the dog out of the way when he visits!

[Ice.Maiden]

Hello IaP - and hi there meglet. Actually, I also have to disagree on this one. In Calvin's house, Calvin can do what he likes - and that includes having a bundle of fun for a dog.
The uncle obviously has different views on what should, and shouldn't happen, but he was a guest at Calvin's house, and should be polite enough not to cause such a stir. I can see why C's wife was quite upset, and if I was Calvin, I'd email the uncle back, thank him for going over, but make it quite clear that what happens in that house is really none of the man's business.

[wiggal]

Hey all!

I'd firstly say that if anyone ever came into my house and started telling me how to treat my animals, let alone pushing them to sit down, they would be out asap and not welcome back.

When we had a 6/7 week old doberman pup, we invited a friend round. I went upstairs to go to the loo, and whilst I was up there, the 'friend' had left his glove on the floor which the puppy picked up, he then hit my puppy, nt realising my partner was watching through the hatch in the kitchen. When he saw my partner was watching, he went and apoligised for hitting our puppy.

My partner only told me about this once 'friend' had left the house, as he knew I would kick off!

The friend, I have spoken to once since, and he sure as hell is not welcome to our house anymore!

May be difficult for you, but I would reply saying sorry he felt uncomfortable, but no one should com into your house tellng you how to raise your pets, let alone try forcing them to do something.

[meglet]

Hi All.

I didn't actually say that calvin should apologise to his uncle for the incident, but simply for not making it in time to see him! Just for politeness really but its up to you calvin.

My idea of an invitation back to see you was simply to draw a line under it and move on, but in such a way as to understand that you have different views to him. Unfortunately you can't choose your family but I would always try to make amends with family because, the same way that you can't choose them, you can't get rid of them either (well not always). Things like this escalate. I didn't know any of my father's side of my family until I was 16 due to a family rift. I would advocate doing what you can to smoothe things over, whilst still maintaining your principles.

[calvin]

Hi all, many thanks for all the feedback which echoes our own!