I can't stand my MIL - PLS HELP!

[k8bailey]

I cannot stand my MIL. I found her mildly annoying before but since I had my baby 3 months ago I can't stand the woman. They come to visit us once a week, or if I'm lucky every other week! they just sit there saying nothing to me or my partner she just stares at the baby, even sitting on the floor so she can get a better view. She said today that they dont come to see us just the baby, which untill now has been pretty obvious but never said.

I feel threatened by her, I know that sounds ridiculous, but I think she'd quite like to take my daughter away she often refers to her as her baby, which I find wierd. I realise how paranoid this makes me sound but she has 2 other grandchildren. She dotes on the eldest, he is her obvious fave, she doen't seem to like the younger one at all and has always said she'd like my partners bro to leave his mrs and bring the eldest child and live with her!

My partner is fed up with me moaning about her and I do feel bad, she's his mum and so I do make the effort and I'm very nice to her when she's here but I dread the weekends incase she says she's visiting!! I realise this is stupid, she hasn't actually done anything wrong, she just really gets on my nerves, every thing she does/says is irritating, I know she probably means well. I'm not the only who feels like this about her my SIL doesn't get along with her at all.

How do I deal with this? I need to do something before my daughter is old enough to realise that I can't stand her Nanny. I just can't stand to see her holding my baby and when she asks if she can feed her, I'm too polite to say no even though its killing me inside! I don't feel like this about anyone but her, I'd rather leave my baby with a stranger than my MIL, I don't want her anywhere near my child but I can't give a rational explantion for these feelings!

Any help, advice or MIL related horror storries greatfully recieved!!

[tigwig]

I personally think you need to get a grip and realise how this sounds! Not meaning to be rude but it makes you sound a trifle silly. I would advise you to keep on talking to your MIL and involve her more. Invite her to the shops when you are looking for baby things and really make the effort. It sounds like there is such an atmosphere between you she doesn't dare speak! Forget the past and think towards the future. You are right in saying you do not want your child to think you don't like grandma.
I had to watch my MIL die of cancer last year and trust me it makes you see things differently. I used to moan about her sometimes everyone does,but I'd give anything for her to be back now.

[k8bailey]

tigwig, I'm sorry for your loss, I realise how this sounds silly to you because of what you went thru with your MIL.
There really is no bad atmosphere between us, she just has nothing to say, not even to her son. I've even tried not seeing her so that my partner can spend time with her but she doesn't speak to him then either.

We tried very hard to involve her whilst I was pregnant, because she had been so excited when my SIL was pregnant 1st time around. We showed her the scan pics, asked for her advice etc (we got on quite well before and during pregnancy) but MIL didn't show any interest, in the pregnancy changed the subject usually.

Yesterday after my partner and I had tried unsucessfully to start a conversation, my partner said that they were both quiet, MIL said quite sharply what would you like to talk about? we havent really come here to see you just the baby!

I feel sorry for my M&FIL that they wasted their day coming to see a baby who either sleeps or throws up, sorry for my partner that his mum isn't at all interested in him but most of all I feels sorry for my baby who at the moment is a novelty, but what hapens when the novelty wears off?

[lozzylou]

hi k8 i totally understand where you are coming from. i have been with my partner nearly 5 years and only in the last 2 weeks have i started gettin on with my mil. she comes to my house making comments on the way i tidy up, she makes comments on how i dress my boys or how i bring them up. my oldest is now 3 and starting to understand things more so i am now having to make an effort for him. her ioldest grandson gets everything he wants, she takes him out allhe time has him over for dinner every sunday. my sons have never been anywhere with her and the oldest has been for dinner once when he was 3 months old.
my only advice is to speak u[p and tell her how she makes you feel. this is what i have now done. i have told her she makes me uncomfortable in my own home. there is a bit of an atmosphere now but we all know what we have got to do to change things.

[JonnyBoy12]

A MIL, what is that? Is that the same as a MILF?

[bednobs]

i wonder if you have post natal depression? im not saying this because it's the easiest assumption to make just some of the things you say sound just like my friend who had it

[Nosha123]

I cant stand my MIL but luckily neither can my Husband.. so we have no contact with her!! She is a complete spiteful Witch!
She wont get to see any children we have

[Sachs]

Hi k8, I remember very well the very protective feelings of being a new mum. That's absolutely normal and right! My god, your mother in law would drive me insane! Every week?? You are obviously sensing an over doting woman around your new little one & it alarms you. I don't have an answer! She should respect your privacy really & visit when invited!

[k8bailey]

thanks for all your replies!

Jommy MIL is a Mother In Law, so unfortunately not like the MILF from American pie!!

Bednobs, I have had a tough time physially after the birth and have been quite emotionaly unstable I guess! Can I ask what it was in particular that made you think that? Is your friend better yet? My partner did keep on to me about seeing the Dr and telling him how I was feeling and my HVand MW both wanted me to go and see a councellor, but I'm not really one of those ppl who can open up to a stranger I'd just feel like I was wasting their time!

Sachs, your reply really made sense to me, thankyou! Maybe I just have to bite the bullet and tell her to back off a bit! She even phones twice a week but doesn't want anything she says she's just checking up on us!! Maybe we should emigrate!! lol

[bednobs]

a couple of things really - mainly saying you can't give a rational exlanantion for these feelings, but also the feeling that comes across in your post that you feel a bit out of control about it - these were the exact feelings my friend had. the health visitor or gp can do a sort of test where they ask you questions and can tell from that if you may have pnd. My friend still has ups and downs, but started on some anti depressants and felt better

[Maypole]

lolololololol at the suggestion you have PND or need to get a grip.

Maybe you do, maybe you dont but I think this stuff about your MIL hardly constitutes evidence!!

OK...... she sounds freaky to me, Id pee myself laughing if someone said to me in my house that trying to start a conversation was distracting them from staring at my baby.
lolol COME ON!!!

1. get your bloke to sort her out, its his mother
2. you dont need checking up on (Im sure she didnt mean it literally)
3. babies come with parents - its BORING and RUDE and WEIRD to go to someones house and not talk to you!
4. ask her where the new baby sits on her obviously prioritised list of grandchildren
5. she can use her newfound converstaion skills at the bingo or bowling etc

You dont sound like you want to see her less, just less weirdness. And if youre AT ALL concerned you have PND get another test - doesnt matter how old your baby is.

[spanner7853]

haha you and another 90% of the country. I don't hate my MIL but I do have issues with her. I think for most people including yourself is that she isn't your mum. If she was you'd be able to say something. I'll give you a list of what my MIL does that anooys me.
1. She's a racist
2. too opinionated
3. I have a 10 month old she calls 'baby' and not by his name
4. She takes him out in the most awful buggy even though I bought her one, that she gave back.
5 doesnt put a sunshade on the buggy when she goes out with him
6. Makes comments on the fact I don't always have time to give him home made food. ( i work 3 days a week)
7.Tells my older children (from previous marriage) how to dress, do hair etc.
8. Treats her daughter like a princess and wonders why she is such a spoilt cow at 32!!
9. list is endless

On the other hand though I don't have a mum, I sadly lost her 11 years ago. My MIL treats me like a daughter and other than bossing the other 2 she never treats them any different from her own grandson. So as much as she winds me up and believe me she does quite regularly. I would never have any help if anything should happen to my hubby and I know if I ever need anything all I have to do is ask. Your mum might feel a bit alienated and I know they go a bit weird when you have babies, but like someone mentioned. Maybe ask her to come round one day a week to help out or spend a bit more time with you. You might find she's not that bad after all. Faling that it's soon to be Halloween so you can stick her on your bonfire!! lol

[k8bailey]

hi, thanks for you answers. some have made me look at thingsfrom her point of view a bit, some have made me smile and realise that things could always be worse!!

I think maybe MIL's were put on the plannet just to a pain in the bum?! Maybe i should go easy on her, after all her son chose to come and live with me so maybe she feels threatened by me!! or doesn't have enough to do so feels the need to interfere!

lol at spanners no.3 when the MIL visited me in hosp we told her what we were calling the baby, she said 'you can't call her that its an old ladies name, I won't call her that, coz i know you're going to change your mind' - we didn't, but it's ok now coz some great, great, great aunt twice removed on her fathers side (ok I'm exaggerating!!) has that name as her middle name!!

she can't come over more often because, she works and we live too far away for her to drive by heself (luckily!! ;-) )

Roll on Hallowe'en!! lol

[Brinjal]

I spent years poring over legal books looking for some loophole that made it legal to kill ones mother in law but sadly no such loop hole exists so I decided that I just had to get on with her.
It is hard to do but there is no point in fighting with your hubby. She is his mother and it doesnt matter how he might complain about her you must not do the same.
My mil also had favourites with her grand children but I would just ignore it unless she said something in front of the children.
If you continue to have these extreme feelings about her then maybe you could to talk to a counciller as you could have pnd. Then again I can take unreasonable dislikes to people and just avoid them. It is difficult to do this when the person is family and you will need to deal with it for long term peace and harmony.