mum doesn't want my son overnight anymore :0(

[imajenarry]

my mum and dad have my son one day a week for me while i'm at work to keep my childcare costs down a little.they also used to have my son overnight for me. not very regularly..just maybe one night in 2 months,when me and bf had social thing we wanted to go to.first time was when he was few month's old and he is now 2 and 1/2. they've always seemed to enjoy it and liked seeing him first thing in the morning,etc - my little boy loved it and we had night off-so all was good. the thing is they haven't had him for a while now. and when i've asked recently-at the start of sept and then this week my mum has said no. :0( both times my mum has said she's too tired but having just been on holiday and having short weeks at work i wonder if it is something else? it's really bothering me so just wanted some views on this. my little boy is very good. goes to bed easily,etc. does wake up once in the night as a rule tho. any ideas anyone?

[~max~]

I'm with Velvetee on this. You've made the decision to have kids, you take care of them. Your parents might have been kind enough to have them a few times to ease your load, but ultimately, it's your responsibility and you can't blame them for not wanting to play "childcare" forever. They were doing you a huge favour when they did, and they will still do I'm sure, but you can't consider it a given. If it stops, you can't blame them.

[terambulan]

My g.children fit in around my work....but will leave work if am needed urgently for them. Daughter ILaw just started work as kids r in school. I have 3 g.kids every other w/e. They help me more than t'other way. I shop & cook they wash/tidy/clean help with animals/garden. I keep house for them only, as for me a flat would do.

The g.kids keep me and extended family together 'cause they all have to come to my home to meet.....so am central to their lives and would be lonely without them.

[pastafreak]

Everyone here seems to forget that until recently-maybe just a generation ago- the family was the FIRST choice for childcare. A mother would go to a stranger only as a last resort. We have become reliant on strangers to such an extent that a mum who is 'lucky' enough to have a mum SHE can rely on ,is branded as selfish or irresponsible.

[pinktwink]

whilst that is true pasta and the family in the main is the best care option once it is safe this generation differs also in many respects in that there are more single parents more families with both parents working and also families are not always as close knit as before in that many move away for economic reasons such as to buy a house or for work.
Its not that ima is selfish its just its best for her to tlak to her mum to try and understand the reasons for the change and to talk to her mum about how she feels. Ab is no substitute for talking. I guess generations ago Ab internet etc didnt exist as readily either.

[~max~]

Nobody is branding anyone here though. The kids are the mum and/or dad's responsibility, end of. If the grandparents are kind enough to want to help, should they enjoy it or not, has nothing to do with it. Nobody can complain that the grand parents aren't helping enough, they shouldn't even be in the equation when it comes to childcare! If they are wiling to, lovely, but ultimately, the decision to have kids is the mum and dad's only, and so is the responsibility for them.

[Goodsoulette]

I feel a bit sorry for you here. When I was a kid my grandparents helped my parents all the time, but my parents in their 40s don't do the same for me. Families do seem to be breaking down and becoming more selfish (im not suggesting my parents are being selfish as they both work very long hours but my ex's mum would never have they boys, not even when I had an op on my back). My parents wouldnt have the things they do if my nan and grandad hadn't been there to pick us up from school, look after us at weekends etc etc Im not saying that you should be able to demand that parents look after your kids but come on what is family about? I know if my mum wasnt a fulltime midwife with 4 young kids living at home she would have mine way more often than she does.

This is more than likely not the case with you, Maybe they just need a little break from it or have other worries.

Max, your kids are always your kids. You will always do something to help them whether they are 3 or 30, if helping them with their children stops you going near on crazy then you do it.

[~max~]

I agree Goodsie, but not to the extent that you rely on them so much that when it stops, you feel cheated.

[Ice.Maiden]

Ima - just have a word with your mum, hun. Perhaps it's just that she IS feeling tired, full stop. Her age doesn't matter. If she's a busy woman, then she's bound to want a rest sometimes, or perhaps she thinks that it's now time for you to make other childcare arrangements. In my humble opinion, there's no better person to look after a child than the parents, followed by grandparents. However, I have to agree with max. If people choose to have children, they should realise that they have a duty and responsibility to look after the children themselves, and not "expect" their own parents to help out. If it happens - great - but not to treat it as a god-given right.

[pastafreak]

I wonder just how many people responding to this question actually HAVE children.

And ima has not exactly taken advantage of her mum's help. I think that just by virtue of the fact that she asked her mum so RARELY...well that is why she is now worried as to what is causing her mum's apparent change of heart.

[~max~]

Ima did say that her parents had her boy one day a week already, that hasn't stopped. Only the occasional overnight stays have stopped.

If it's that rare, just get a baby sitter, someone you know and trust, for the night!

[pastafreak]

ima Wasn't relying on them...as she said it was just to keep childcare costs down...and this was so she could get on and do the things that would make for a secure future for herself and her son..ie-work and school.

[pinktwink]

yep but in order to keep childcare costs down she is reliant on her parents pasta. Otherwise her childcare costs may result in her not being able to do work study etc nobody is saying she is selfish its just that childcare is the responsibility of the parents and with that parents have to choose how best to spend their time via work, childcare,study. Also ther is no mention of her bf's family perhaps he or his family could help out

[pastafreak]

It would seem that money is at the root of this.....how much would it cost her to have someone overnight.....A LOT!!!....even at min wage for 10-12 hrs...

[Ice.Maiden]

Well I prersonally don't believe in babysitters, unless it's a member of the family, or an extremely trustworthy best friend, etc, but at the risk of going off at a tangent, I think ima just needs to have a talk with her mum, and find out the reason for her refusal. It probably has nothing to do with not WANTING to, but literally, that she's too tired to continue with the evening care as well as the one day a week.

[Ice.Maiden]

This is the problem, isn't it? Trying to juggle rearing children with work and other things. Very difficult, but the most difficult job of all IS in bringing children up properly. It takes a lot of time and effort, but it's something which I'm personally very happy to do. x

[LoftyLottie]

I really do think that if your mum doesn't want to have her grandson overnight then you should respect her decision without question. I have grown up kids and know that if they have children then I really don't want to be a babysitter. (They are also aware of this!)/ I would obviously help out in an emergency but my days of looking after children are over - I just wouldn't enjoy it. I may be selfish, but that is just how I feel. In this respect I totally agree with Max.

There should be no expectation that grandparents should help out - if they want to and enjoy having their grandchildren then that's just great.

I have read the question properly and understand that your main concern is that your mother has had a change of heart. However, I still think you should just respect her decision and not question in. She may well change her mind.

[smudge]

After reading your question, perhaps it would be best for you to ask your Mum if there is any other reason why she's had a change of heart about looking after your son - other than just being tired.

It could be something else that's upset her, but she doesn't know how to approach you or your boyfriend about it.

If it is genuinly because she's too tired, then so be it. She has every right to do what's best for her too. It doesn't mean that she doesn't love you or your son any less.

We love having our grandchildren here with us, or taking them out, as we have lots of fun together! BUT, I wouldn't like to be thought of as a convenient baby sitter for our daughters & they both know & respect that.

Hope it works out for you imajenarry.

[Tezzabell]

i think by the majority of people, you have been given an unfair rough ride on this bt some silly people.

i have an 18 month old daughter and whilst i love spendin 99% of time with her, it is healthy to get a break occassionally. My parents love taking my daughter, they almost beg me to go out more often. I know that i am lucky to have parents that i can trust and rely on and that they are happy to help out.

I cannot imagine feeling comfortable with anyone else looking after her. If i did not have this luxury (and i do not go out often, i think i have left her 5 nights), i would cope but the break is healthy and i always look forward to seein my girl the next day, i appreciate her more for the break.

Other than that, i can only suggest like others that you ask your mum, just ask her if their is a time, date or weekend etc that would suit her. if she doesn't seem keen, if you just ask her if there are any problems she will most likely explain the situation and be happy to help out when the issue (whatever it may be) is resolved.

good luck

[imajenarry]

in case anyone was wondering it turns out was tiredness causing my mum to say no to having my little mattie overnight and also a damp problem in their spare room that he sleeps in when he stops over(my mum hadn't told me about this) my mum and dad have been trying to sort this out -cos they want their little man over to stay again.. :o)i'm feeling much better.(was v stressed last month) i know i'm very lucky to have a family that are so supportive. and thankyou to the posters with the kind words of support and advice.