Taking on my partners children

[tgm1974]

My partner has 3 kids from his prev marriage � 18, 12 & 10. The 2 youngest live at home with their Mum. She works part time in a pub. A lot of the time the kids will come home from school to an empty house. Mum turns up just after 6pm. The nights we have them, she doesn't come home at all & goes straight out to see her "man". The children are left alone until 7pm!! Ive dropped the children home some nights, to find that Mum wa still out. I wont leave the children on their own incase something happens to them but she told her son "just go in the house and lock the door behind you"!! Due to her "not bothered" approach to their safety or their health, my partner is now talking about going for custody. We've just bought a 3bed house & we have a 1yr old of our own. When his kids stay over they are in the same room in bunk beds so space is limited. My partner has recently mentioned about trying to get his share of his old property from her. As I can appreciate his ex does not want to let her house go just yet!! The mortgage on their property was paid in full several years ago. Im a little apprehensive about the possibility of his children living with us as this was not what I expected when we got together. They are great kids but basically Ive no say in the matter. I have to think about what he has given up to be with me � so do I "owe" him?? The latest part of his idea is that if she is not willing to buy him out then he wants to tell her that he will buy her out � this means we would move into their old home & she moves into ours, or finds somewhere else. Is it me or am I being unreasonable for telling him that there is no way I would feel comfortable doing this?? I just can't seem to explain myself to him as all he sees his BLACK and WHITE. I don't have the life experience to go from a Mum to a 1 yr old toddler to a Mum of 3 (both near to teenage years). I thought you were supposed to learn parenting as your children grew up!!

[Beanmistriss]

Hi tgm. My bloke has two kids and his son wanted to move in with us when he was 14. I didn't want him to at all but the way I looked at it was this: I want to have kids with my partner. If those children ever needed him and he turned them down because of someone else Id be horrified. I wasn't going to be the one to stand in the way of him being there for his kids now as I wouldn't want that for my kids in the future. His son has recently moved back with his mum after 3 years. They were three hard years, and I think it could only work cos my bloke supported me if I had to say something to him or talk to him about something. I can't see how it would work otherwise. It's really really tough. We also had the added extra of a psychotic ex who refused to pay maintainence and refused to have any contact with us but all the while working away behind the scenes.

I wouldn't want to do it again but I would if I had to. Having said that I think i'd avoid another man with kids like the plauge :) Good luck with whatever you decide

ps. sex life went out the window when we I found him listening at the bedrooom door one night. Too much information maybe, but something to consider :(

[tgm1974]

Ive mentioned the sex life thing to see if that may sway any future decision but didnt really get any response from that - at least I will get a few early nights if that case!! Then again ... when my partner misses me, even when we see each other every day, he does make that extra effort for "us time" so I know that wouldnt go. The kids could very easily stay with their mother the odd weekend, etc. To be honest when she realises we would end up with the child maintenance and she would have to pay money to us towards them then the battle will truely start - there is no way in the world she wants to part with money - any scam she can get into, she is there!!!