Should I let him babysit again?

[WiseOldSage]

My step son (who is 16) came to babysit the other night for my 4 year old. When we came home it was the usual mess but that isn't the issue. We found out that he had been on porn sites on my work laptop, had tried to access the Sky porn channels (hubby left the PIN) but more worryingly my daughter said, So and so says he hates me and she had bruising on her arms ... actually do I really need anyone to answer having read that LOL Comment would be welcome though

[mrs_overall]

I don't think you really need anyone to answer the question for you, do you?

I wouldn't have him in the house unsupervised, let alone trust him with a four year old.

[WiseOldSage]

Then the dilemma is how do I say to my hubby, who won't have a bad word said against his kids, that I don't think it would be a good idea. My 18 year old gets moaned at by him if we come in and the cricket is on!! Double standards but you know what I am trying to say

[andy-hughes]

You point out to your husband what has happened. Say you won;t trust your stepson with your child, and you;re sure he agrees, and then look at him as if he would dare to disagree. If he argues, give it to him with both barrels!

[WiseOldSage]

He raised the issue to be honest - said the porn thing was a boy thing (the Sky stuff) and that once he realised it would be something we would pay for then he "backed out" of the Sky stuff (just left it there when he put a DVD on and we found it when it ended). I haven't told him about the laptop yet - but my husband raised the concerns about the other stuff saying he wondered who my daughter had heard the word hate from (pretty plain to me when she tells the pair of us he said it)

[smudge]

Erm, no you shouldn't need anyone on here to answer your question WOS.

I certainly wouldn't let your stepson babysit again!

Him watching porn whilst in charge of your child is one thing & bruises on her arms is another.

Both unacceptable.

[mrs_overall]

I appreciate your dilemma.
Does your husband know about the bruising? If not, he should. Tell him everything.

I'll tell you a personal tale. When my eldest son was small, his 17 year old male cousin babysat for us in an emergency. Unbeknowst to us, he had a porn film with him which he settled down to watch....with my son (who I think was either 2 or 3 at the time.)
The emergency resolved itself and we came home after 30 mins - to find my nephew watching the porn film, openly masturbating, while my son sat at the side of him on the sofa.

It may cause an argument between you and your husband, but the wellbeing of your child MUST come first.

Good luck.

[smudge]

That must have been awful mrs_o & very embarrassing for all!

WOS - What your stepson does in private, is of course his own business, but I would certainly talk to your husband about him watching the porn whilst babysitting.

These things shouldn't be brushed under the carpet.

Good luck.

[WiseOldSage]

There had been a bit of rough and tumble in the evening before we went out but the bruise on her arm was very small and pronounced - almost like a pinch. She's very assertive so if he had done anything deliberately then she would have said. We were all sat together in the evening (stepson included) when she told us in a matter of fact way he had told her he hated her so it was all out in the open and my husband couldn't really deny any of it. (My stepson swore black was white).

My husband's kids have caused us no end of problems in the past with both of them trying to split us up - it all came out in the wash but the way they behaved towards me and my children was dire. But being the adult when things came around I did everything I could to welcome them. But my husband knows that the stuff they did and said hurt albeit several years ago ... the point I am trying to make is that he is so defensive of them that if I do bring anything up then he sees it as me not getting over what they did which is not so.

I think he tried to cushion the blow with the porn and stuff by doing the lad's thing but you are right - it is unacceptable in front of a 4 year old. Rest assured he won't babysit again (it was a bit of an emergency). I can monitor what goes on in my house but sometimes my husband runs his kids back to their Mum and my 4 year old goes - usually the kids ask him in for coffee and she is included. He tried to make light of this incident by saying that my daughter was invited into his son's room to look at his chipmunks so he must like her!

Maybe it is a bit of green eyed monster even at 16 - I don't know - I'm sure all my husband wants is for everyone to get on. I know, though, that he would not compromise her safety so maybe the proof will be in the pudding and he just won't ask his son again.

[Velvetee]

I'm amazed you would have allowed a 16 year old teenage boy to actually babysit your 4 year old daughter in the first place!!!!

[WiseOldSage]

He was staying the weekend with us and would usually have been here with my older son who stays in if we go out. My son got invited out and, I suppose in an attempt to make him feel included, my husband asked if I would mind. I had no reason to think otherwise.

[legendis.god]

What with your hubby being a control freak and this bother with your step son.
Well you dont seem to have much luck.

[andy-hughes]

A tad harsh velvetee - plenty of sixteen-year-old lads are mature enough to babysit a small child - even though in this case it has caused issues.

I think WiseOldSage feels badly enough that she may have uniwttingly exposed her child to any unpleasentness - she doesn't need us sittting on the sidelines passing judgement about people we don't actually know.

[WiseOldSage]

Well spotted - perhaps the real answer is to kick the sorry pair into touch and let them watch porn and abuse each other verbally to their hearts content LOL

[WiseOldSage]

Maybe harsh but a valid point - my son has looked after her in various capacities for a few years since I felt he was responsible enough - maybe the naivity comes with judging a "family member" albeit stepchildren the same way.

[Velvetee]

Well I know I'm cynical Andy, but my concern was this boy spent the evening accessing internet porn and had also tried to view Sky Porn.

Obviously he may possibly be all turned on having seen porn. I personally would have been mortified that he was in charge of my small, female child in that situation.

I personally think a 16 year old girl could make a good babysitter, but as boy's generally take longer to mature mentally, I wouldn't risk it.

Her question was should she let this boy babysit again. Surely the question does not need asking, if her child has bruises caused by this boy.

[WiseOldSage]

Decision is made really about the babysitting - once bitten and all that. I know I would never compromise her safety or well being by letting him here again unsupervised. The only saving grace is that it is all out in the open without me having to go back with tales of what she supposedly said. Yes, hubby is a control freak but I think he was suitably concerned enough about her (and embarrassed) to bring it up himself. After a pretty dire weekend all round with him and the business with my stepson me and my kids will come first.

[Velvetee]

What has your husband said about all this, including the bruising on your daughter's arm? Is your husband also the father of your 4 year old?

[WiseOldSage]

He's usually the first to pick up on bruises on her - I've worked with kids and done the whole child protection thing so have been sort of conditioned to look out for what is usual rough and tumble stuff and what is not.

No she is not his daughter - he has two teenagers and I have an 18 year old and my daughter who will be 5 next month

[WiseOldSage]

Sorry Velvetee didn't really answer ... he thought the bruise was odd, he asked his son in private about the Sky stuff, he was with me when my daughter said about the hate thing then said it wasn't really on when we were alone and I haven't mentioned the laptop stuff ... YET!

[smudge]

Hope the outcome will be a satisfactory one WOS & wish you all good luck for the future.