Elderley Parents

[Jeffju]

Has anyone had to go through the painful process of selling their parent's (and own childhood) home to pay for care home fees?

How did you get through this process? My mother has Alzhiemers and my father has just died and I don't live locally.

I have to separate the emotional from the practical but it looks like such a mountain to climb and I end up with nothing after loving my parents so much.

[PeeBee1]

Hi Jeffju, I havent been though anything like this but just wanted to offer my condolances for your dad. Stay strong xx

[redcrx]

It cant be easy Jeffju, but you have to remember that memories are with you, they wont be lost with the sale of the house.

as for "ending up with nothing" (sic), you have the knowledge that your mother will be well looked after with the funds raised, rather than having no funds and taking pot luck on where her care would be.

[Whoever]

I have walked this path before you and know and understand how agonisingly lonely it feels, as if a whole part of your own life has been wiped out e in the process. Clearing out the parental home is emotionally tough, being so full of familiar things. You just have to plough on through until the task is done and be grateful for the memory of happier days. All I can say is that your parents worked all their lives to provide security for themselves. Whilst the house has to be sold, at least it will be providing some security in the form of residential care for your mother. If she has had to be sectioned for Alkzeimers you may find that she actually may not have to fund her own care fees so check with Age Concern or some other caring agency. The Fact Sheets on the Age Concern website may also prove helpful to you in terms of giving detailed information about what funding your mother may be entitled to, i.e. Attendance Allowance, etc.
Could you have her moved to a care home nearer where you live so that contact is easier? Meanwhile, you are still grieving for your father. Having such a big burden still to tackle is hard for you, so take whatever time you can to make a little calm space for yourself, even if it means taking a short walk somewhere pleasant to reflect , unwind for a moment and draw enough courage to face the next day. There is an old Russian saying "You must eat the elephant piece by piece". Break down your tasks into manageable sections and slowly you will find that the fog is clearing and you can see the light for the trees. .

[Jeffju]

Thank you - leaving Mum after a weekend was unbearable. She needs looking after all the time - I think she is just pining away.

The Care Home route is the only answer I can't leave her as she is. Thanks for replies.

[Whoever]

You don't say whether you're still working. If you are, this is an unbearably hard burden for you to cope with on top of your own grieving, especially as your mother will be grieving too in her own way, despite her Alkzeimers. If you are working, can you ask for some time off.? I'm sure there is some legislation which would cover you as a carer? Obviously a Care Home is the only sensible option but I think you will be happier and feel less guilty if you can get her looked after somewhere near where you live as you say you don't live locally to her. Being able to pop in and see her regularly rather than have a long journey will make life easier for you, even if you currently have the job of clearing your parents home and selling it. In the interim, until you can get her into care, contact Age Concern and see if they can help with a Befriender who would be prepared to pop in and see her once a week for a cup of tea and a chat. It's obviously nowhere near the level of service she needs, but it might help. Also talk to Social Services to see about getting Meals on Wheels delivered so that at least she eats a meal once a day. Presumably there are no neighbours of hers who could help on a temporary basis?

[iwcprobate]

It is possible for estate administrators of your fathers estate to sever a tenancy after death, you could then perhaps convert the owners of the house to tenants in common and try to protect one half of the estate. Why not visit www.iwc-ltd.co.uk for more advice.