Mother stopping my son from visiting

[halecrater]

Hi there,
My son, who is 14 years, usually comes to stay with my wife and I every other weekend. He has always come to stay a lot during school holidays for weeks at a time etc. Two years ago I stopped paying maintenance to his mother when I became unemployed. She kicked up such a stink about it, that my wife and I resumed paying her for a year (using the overdraft facility on our mortgage). After 12 months we had no borrowing facility left so we again stopped paying her. Then she got on to the CSA who have been very unpleasant, telephoning late at night and early in the morning. Well they did say that as I was unemployed I didn’t have to pay anything. I recently got a job and notified the CSA, my wife also contacted my ex and asked that rather than go through the CSA could we just return to me paying her as we always had done. She got back saying we could, but only if we signed legal forms stating we would repay the missing maintenance that I didn’t pay when I was unemployed. Because we were in a lot of debt already, we got back to her and said no, we would have to continue with the CSA route.
The CSA told me how much I had to pay (which was actually less than what I had always paid!) but I wrote to them with a list of all the dates my son had stayed asking if they had taken this into account when they calculated my payments ?
They eventually got back to me and said his mother had denied he had stayed with us on those dates. Then last month at half-term, my son said he was not allowed to come and stay with us “because mum is upset you might contact the CSA to try and save money”. I have since told my son he is old enough to just come and stay anyway, but he is very scared of her and she often loses her temper with him and shouts. What suggestions do people have ?

[ummmm]

Can you afford to now pay her the amount you use to?

The child is half yours and at 14 they are not cheap. Who paid your half while you wasn't working? You have to understand your ex's point of view.

[annie0000]

That's true Ummmm, but if they were still together and halecrater was unemployed, his son would have to go without, so i can't see that it is really any different when they are apart. It doesn't sound to me that he is trying to shirk his responsibility, just trying to do his best with what he has. Maybe he wants to use the money he would normally give his partner when he has their son to spend on his son while he has him if you get what I mean.

Difficult to know what to do here - I think you would probably do better to get round the table with your ex and try to work something out for everyones sake - it must be hard for your son to be caught in the middle.

[ummmm]

I know annie....he doesn't.

I just think sometimes men forget or do not realise how hard it is to bring up a child on your own. As a couple you have to go without as a family supporting each other. As a lone mother you have to deal with it on your own....and it's bloody hard.

[society]

I think your ex is just being a b!thch.

[ummmm]

Society....probably more worried that she will lose even more money by letting the child stay with them.

He already has to pay less by going through the CSA. She might not be able to afford to have it reduced further.

[annie0000]

Thankfully I have not been in that position Ummmm, but it has always seemed to me that the worst part of being a single parent is the fact that you maybe don't have someone to share the good times with as well as the bad. i don't know the background to halecraters split and whether there is some bad feeling already, but just from life experience myself, sometimes you can pussy foot about problems and they just get wose - nothing beats a face to face talk where people are able to talk about it from their point of view. I know that there a lot of B*stards in the world, but I like to think that most people when faced with reasonable-ness would appreciate where other people are coming from.

[annie0000]

I think you could be right about that Ummm - don't they say that most anger comes from fear?

[ummmm]

Yes....and not having enough money to buy your child what they need (not what they want) is depressing, embarassing and makes you resentful.

[society]

True Ummmmy, I believe that is her main reason for opposing. People go true hard times and when the day reach, they have to eat. As you've said, they both made this child; but, I believe the mother should be willing to support the child when the dad was unemployed, after-all, Dad did willingly paid support when he could.

[ummmm]

I don't agree with what she is doing. No matter what my ex did or paid....if the children wanted to go to see him they did....through gritted teeth mind. But I kept my gob shut for their sake. Halecrater sounds like a much better father than him though.

[annie0000]

I have to say that the only bit about being a single parent that sometimes appeals to me is the thought that they would go away to their dad's for a weekend and I would get peace to be on my own once in a while :o). So in that regard it's a bit like biting your nose off to spite your face. Don't fancy the rest of the deal though!

[ummmm]

That's very true annie but only when they're little. My youngest 2 are 11 and 13 so don't actually need looking after so much. They play out now and have sleep overs...so we do get some peace on occastions.

[annie0000]

Ahh - there's that to look forward to then ;o)

[ummmm]

It don't mean to be mean but it's lovely when they go to play at a friends house and then call you to ask can they sleep over. I always feel like saying 'what a stupid question, of course you can'...lol

[annie0000]

I know what you mean - mine not quite at that stage yet (9 & 8). Eldest going to cub camp for two nights in May - they have only ever stayed away from us once before and that was last summer when they stayed for two nights with my sister, so not sure how he will get on as he has never been without his brother either.

[halecrater]

Thanks for your comments so far. Just to answer some of the points raised; My ex married about 6 or 7 years ago and has two small children with her new partner. I have three babes (4, 2 and 1) with my wife. Sadly my employment cam to an end 5 weeks ago, so now I am again not assessed as paying through the CSA yet she still stopped him coming. The CSA didn't reduce the amount I pay when working, because they said that they take the word of the resident parent (his mother) and she denied the dates I had given. I did ask how I could prove that he stayed, the CSA said "keep receipts when you go out" - we don't go out really, we do things at home.
My ex doesn't work, but she volunteers at the school her daughter goes to...

[tamborine]

halecrater...this son is your eldest & you're responsible for his maintenance - he could have starved depending on you.

Unemployed is a well known ruse to not pay CSA. I think the payments are meagre ie £10pw - cost of 5 beers? Cough up & respect your son.

[tamborine]

Wash 2 cars in Tesco's for £10....no excuse ;(

[Norberto]

CSA rates are based on net income. 15% for one child, 20% for two. Not sure what it is above that. If the child spends one night a week with the non-resident parent (ie halecrater) then this should be reduced. The more nights with you, the more reduction in what you pay. The fact that you both have other children also gets taken into account.
And as Tambo says, unemployment is a ruse to get out of paying maintenance. My ex-wife actually packed in her job to avoid paying me maintenance for our two children.