Am angry with sister-am I right?

[tingly]

My 84 year old mother recently had a small fall and is suffering from bruised ribs and a broken toe.
She did this last wednesday morning by stumbling in her bedroom.
I am my mums main carer ( I live 5 miles away) and stayed the night with her the first night it happened as she was shook up, and i visit everyday anyway, but have been at her house all day every day the last week to take care of her- doctors, washing , ironing, shopping, gardening, bathing etc.
I needed today 'off' as it were, as I had to catch up with a number of things . My sister said she would visit for an hour or so- and she took her husband.She knows my mum is on strong painkillers, but took a bottle of champagne with her and all 3 sat in the garden and drank this-unbeknown to me.
I rang my mum to check on her at about 3 oclock today, and it was clear something was wrong as she sounded funny.. I rang my sister to ask if she had seen my mum take too many tablets/have a drink and she said 'no'
My mum then rang me at 6 to tell me my sister had bought the champagne in question

I am really angry- a. because my sister lied to me. b. because i do all the mundane jobs, pay for my mums house and all her bills, take her to hospital when necessary ( my sister doesnt 'do' hospitals she says)-- and then my sister gives my mum drink after she has had a fall.

I could honestly cry--i try and get my mum better then she gives her drink. My mum of course loved it-but then she would cos she's on tablets and is now out of it.

am i being uneccessarily harsh. I'm really fed up.

[carmalee]

agree with the previous post - now we have more info I think it was irresponsible to give your Mum alcohol and agree with you for being cross. Rather than fall out with sis, why not just have a chat about it?

[RATTER15]

"its just that she specifically was not supposed to take pain killers with drink as they can cause fainting."

This again is an unwise choice your Mother also made and she took an eccentric risk, as long as mother is made aware of these risks, nothing is wrong.

this is a legal issue not just my opinion.

I work in a severe dementia unit, we come across these situations regularly.

Do what you need to protect your mum but remember it is very easy to wrap her up in cotton wool and forget that she still has rights.


Good luck :-)

[jno]

Ratter, I think tingly's beef is with her sister, not her mother. Mum does silly things she's entitled to, sister scarpers and lies about it, tingly has to pick up the pieces.

Then, human nature being what it is, mother will leave everything to sister in her will because 'she was always kind enough to offer me a drink'...

[jackthehat]

I don't think anyone is saying that Mum doesn't have rights.
It's that the sister was deceitful when it came to explaining exactly what had occured thereby depriving tingly of the opportunity of ensuring that Mum was 'safe' afterwards. tingly would have, I assume, made sure that she spent the afternoon at her Mum's house keeping an eye on her, had she been in full possession of the facts.

[tingly]

Jack the Hat--thanks, thats really what i meant. As long as someone is around afterwards to keep an eye out, thats fine. and if i had known, i would have cancelled my appointments and gone round myself just to be sure. my mums unsteady as it is-hence the fall, without having drink and tablets mixed ( painkiller, statins, high blood pressure tabs,)-and forgot to say, her sight is bad and she still has stairs-which is the bit that really worries me.
--- and the other thing is she has from time to time urinary incontinence probs which i then ( I know today) will have to sort out.

[tingly]

ps--these answers have really helped me thanks-- i actually now know why i am angry.
its because i have had one day 'off' in 3 months, and even on that day, i cant relax properly because when i rang my mum i knew there was something wrong with her.

thats the problem really i think.

[joeluke]

"last time she was in hospital, i went every day and night for 4 weeks, except for one day when i was poorly, but my sister wouldnt go and visit her because she said, she didnt 'do' hospitals"

That sentence says all we really need to know about your sister, she couldn't even be bothered to visit her elderly mam in hospital

[jackthehat]

Glad to have helped :o)

[RATTER15]

I know jno and Jack, I i think I responded to that issue in my first post but thought I would just back up the rights of her Mother.

I suppose that working with dementia sufferers, we see so much abuse of peoples rights that this often comes to me first. We have been told by residents families that "Mum/Dad isn't allowed to walk as she is unstable and may fall!!!" this is so typical of the abuse we see daily, I'm certainly not making any suggestion that Tingly is in any way abusing anybody, I'm just offering some advice.

[Old_Geezer]

Sounds a mountain from a molehill to me.

When one takes over the caring role it can be a little offputting when others accept that and let them get on with it.

As for the lying bit, I'm confident the sister must have thought, "I know how she'll react, what she doesn't know won't hurt, and denial will save the inevitable backlash". It isn't stated that mum is unable to make decisions, so she is entitled to opt to drink sensibly if she wants.

I think the main thing here is simple lack of communication. The siblings should have a talk and see if caring can't be shared a little more evenly, anything would help, if it is possible. I appreciate the 'hospital phobia' wasn't something to be proud of though, I don't have such a problem but I'd think it might indicate someone's priorities.

There is a need to lighten up a bit though, which may occur if folk can imagine themselves in each others' shoes. And one individual isn't feeling put upon, even if they did volunteer their services.

[woofgang]

Well your sis shouldn't have lied...that's risky behaviour. Is she your younger sis? with respect, have you been "disapproving" with her before?
Of course you are entitled to be angry and hurt. whatever the rights and wrongs of the circumstances.
Are there sensible practical things your sis could do to help?
It does sound like you have all the burden. Have you looked into getting help for your Mum from other sources?
Looking after your Mum can be an emotional minefield (personal experience)
Are there other problems between you and your sis? With respect it sounds like there might be. Maybe an honest conversation between you and her might help?

[tingly]

woofgang- no not my younger sis-my older sister. She wont help with my mum, which is fine because by her own admission she 'is not good with things like that'- and to be honest she is not aware fully of my mums problems, even though i tell her--eg my mum visited her house, my sister didnt keep hold of her arm whilst she was walking , my mum tripped in the kitchen and broke her collar bone.
she visits maybe once a month after i had urged her to visit my mum more ( she lives about 20 miles away from mum- i am only 5 miles away)

I guess we are just at different places-- i know the level of care my mum needs, my sister kind of 'ignores' anything that she finds 'distasteful'.
I think i have come to the conclusion that i know now if i am to to take a 'day off' what the situation may be ,and just to keep an eye out.

[chokkie]

It was your mum's choice to have some champagne, perhaps she didn't realise that she shouldn't mix alcohol with her tablets ... however, you should read the riot act to your sister and make sure she helps out more with your mum's care. My mum and I lived with my grandma for a few years and she ended up with the lion's share of the care, even though she's got two brothers and a sister to help. All they ever did was come round and see her and take her out from time to time.

[4getmenot]

20 minutes away is still no excuse not to have visited her in hospital

[woofgang]

"doesn't do" hospitals might mean "terrified of"
I don't drive on motorways because I am so scared of doing it that i throw up but I don't tell people that (except i just did lol)

[RATTER15]

Woof, afraid of driving on Motorways, how unusual, they are probably the easiest roads to drive on. but then again I'm afraid of spiders, easiest thing to stamp on, but I wouldn't kill a spider just because I'm afraid of them, my killing days are over :-)

[joeluke]

The sister lives only 20 miles away from her mother and yet does nothing to assist with her care, so I think it's safe to assume that it's not the sisters 'fear' of hospitals which stopped her from visiting her mother in hospital during her 4 week stay

She obviously just couldn't be @r$ed

[woofgang]

joeluke I don't think its "safe to assume" have you got anything that most people think trivial that you are afraid of?????

[RATTER15]

Joeluke, im wondering why you think that it is safe to assume that?

you obviously have a reason to make such an assumption.

[joeluke]

Oh right, so if the sister has a 'fear of hospitals' what is it that stops her sharing the burden of doing the chores for her elderly mother?

'Fear of housework/gardening/ironing/shopping????

No, like I said, she can't be ar$ed