my son refused to see his father at a drop off centre, what happen's now?

[louise_l]

we were odered to take our son to four sessions at a drop off centre with supported help, when my son arrived he told them that he didn't want to see him, he was distressed and very upset, the lady there told my son that they wouldn't pressure him and they would let his dad know, while we waited for her to come back my son thought he heard his dad's voice and panic'd, i didn't mention this to the lady at the centre as i didn't want to upset my son anymore, we've told our sollicitor everything, he 's told us that he does want to see him and doesn't want to talk to anyone anymore, we've tried to reassure him but cos he's 10 he has his own mind, and his dad is in denile that his son doesn't want to see him and blame's the mother, we've spoke to school about this and his headteacher is sorting out some 1-2-1 counciling, would this help him? any rough idea whats going to happen now, we dont want to put him through that again cos the thought of him getting to breaking point scares us.

[louise_l]

it just scares us to think of his panic'd state that some thing serious went on that our son hasn't told us cos he doesn't quite understand how to explain, his father was aggressive with mum but not infront of his son but was infront of his other 2 sons who are adults.

[louise_l]

sorry, our solicitor knows everything already, she's told us she'll contact his solicitor and change the court date if possible, i'm assuming cafcas will get involved again but more indepth, dont think it has helped that our son gave dad the impression that nothing was wrong, untill he didn't want to see him cos of arguments between his mum and dad infront of him over clothes, he's told us what we believe is everything, we've tried telling our son that if he writes his dad a letter explaining how he's made him feel etc. but doesn't want to cos it's too much effort for him. he's at a point where our son cant be bothered dealing with him.

[cathfromsaron]

if you have a social worker (or ever did have) they can interview the child and put his views across as a "variation" of the original court order.

if you feel he must not be put under this stress again and aill not be attending, you must say so in writing to your husband - or his solicitor. your solicitor can only advise you of the law - he must be instructed by you to write regarding recent events. make sure you keep a really good log of contact and any activities contrary to the court order.

you may get a court date/summons (instigated by your ex-husband's solicitor) but do not panic - this is a really good opportunity for your son's views to be put across. until then, ensure you ARE SEEN to give your son every chance to comply.

(((hugs)))

cath x

[louise_l]

i get what you mean, we've spoken to our solicitor and they've said they'll contact his solicitor and we've not heard anything since, i went down to the drop off place and asked if we should turn up with our son, and they told me that they've advic'd his dad not to turn up and he should talk to his solicitor found that out today, and i wanted to let them know what he was like when she wasn't in the room and he thought he heard his dads voice and was scared, he was waiting for him to come into the room and start arguing with him and me. but what got me was, we've dealt with these people before, our son has had a group thing where they explain to child about seperation etc. when the lady spoke to me today she began to tell me what his dad was like when she told him that our son didn't want to see him but not in detail i know their not allowed to and i know from past conversations with them that they only mention things if there was a concern, she told me that she's reccommended to cafcas that our son isn't put in that situation again, she asked me outright if his dad was violent? i assume that she's pick'd something up as this centre is busy and popular, something that i didn't expect her to mention, i explained roughly and she said mental abuse, another thing that she said that she noticed was that his dad couldn't understand why he couldn't wave goodbye to him as our son left. Also after we left we kept him busy with a new toy and then stuck to our routine of a coffee in the local cafe' when we got there his dad was waiting in the queue! his mum reconds he was there on purpose as he knows we go there but we cant say for certain because he was buying a drink and we left straight away, she didn't want any conflict infront of her son, she lived with him for 12 years so i'm taking here word for what he's like and i've known him for the same length.

I know what his dad is like and he is selfish and he looks out for things that would make his life easier and

[louise_l]

not his son's. should we tell our solicitor what she told me or play it by ear?

[jedimistress]

Are the boys mum or a friend or family carer? I could not quite work it out. If you are the latter there is a good site with a forum for "Family and Friends" carers of children. www.frg.org.uk The forum is quite supportive of all issues and is mostly made up of people in the same boat.

[Mojo-Jo-Jo]

Honestly? I think you're reading too much into his fear.
Maybe his dad isn't that pleasant, or maybe he is, only you know the answer to that.
At the same time, your son, who is already in a confused state...his parents have split up...might be scared of the whole situation. Maybe he's scared that if he sees his dad, who you don't like, he will upset you. Or maybe he doesn't want to face his dad because he feels guilty.
My point is, there could be any number of reasons for your son reacting the way he did. I don't think that thinking the worst of his father helps anybody here.

The professionals will have seen this before. Leave it to them and in my not-so-humble-in-this-case opinion I say unless your ex is a brute...and if he genuinely loves his son and wants to spend happy times with him then who are you to say no and deny your son that right?
If he is a brute...run a mile, but the very fact that you asked this question in the way you did suggests you've seen nothing untoward.
Just....be careful how you handle this :)

[louise_l]

jedimistress: i'm the mum's civil-partner and he's my step-son his mum gave me PR some time ago. :D

eddie51: the social workers have checked and nothing has come up, but i've known these two for years it's just hard trying to explain such a complex situation in a few words, we want the dad to realise what he's done but over the past 2 years he's denied everything or blamed it on his g/f med's which is what he's told us and his son.

mojo jo jo: i understand what your saying, and appreciate all your question's / answers.

His dad was violent towards our sons mother, and ex-wife but nothing has been reported over the years of both relationships, but during the split 2 years ago his mum picked her son up from dads one night and he told his son in front of mum that she wasn't going to bring him back, i was at work at the time, and when they both turn up at my works hesterical, i kind of question'd what sort of dad tells their child that, that sort of attitude has been going on for 2 years now, sort of things like his g/f threaten'd to call the police on two occassions infront of the child, we're not talking about light tiff's full blown arguments, with his g/f pushing dad phyicaly while son listening to his dad yell/shout in an aggressive manner "get your hands off, don't push me" we're only going off what our son has said to us, of course if we had known at the time what was going on then this would of been sorted along time ago, our son is very out-going so to see him completely change while the arguments were going on is concerning, anyone who shouts in a deep voice near him or his friends fall out with each other he runs away.

[louise_l]

mojo-jo-jo: we want him to see dad but he just refuses, we've tried explaining to him to tell his dad how he feels or to talk to him but he wont, so that dad can understand that he's upset him, but his son knows that dads lied to him, and our son has told us and our solicitor that he doesn't trust him because he's lied. and he's told cafcas this.

[Mobiliser]

Louise, firstly, I want to say, I admire you 100% for sticking to what your son wants. I was such a child in the 60's, unfortunately my Mum, like most women in those days, had no rights whatsoever! Even if I were ill, my Father insisted in taking me out - if my Mum refused, he hauled her into Court, were the Judge - mostly a MAN of course, would give her a right going over! So fair play to you Louise, for sticking by your sons wishes.

Bringing it into the 21st century, I would suggest that you plead with your son, to let his father see him, in the presence of a Social Worker or someone who is trained in this sort of issue. Try and convince the lad to be brave enough to tell his Dad what his views are and that he is the one who does not want any contact with him and keep the interview as short as that.

Worst case scenario? The father will haul up in front of a Magistrate, whom, in this day and age have a lot more savvy that 50 years ago! The thing is, kids DO have a voice and a say in these matters now if they go that far.

I applaud you Louise, and admire the fact that you are there for your little lad, and I really do hope that it will all work out for the best. Bless! ♥

[Mojo-Jo-Jo]

Firstly, thank you for taking my comment on this situation as it was intended. :)
Thank you too for adding more info.
I still have to say though, I feel sorry for this poor boy.
He's had to suffer a huge change in his lifestyle and it reads like both sides are trying to use those emotions as ballast.
I'm not trying to be mean, honest. I just feel for that poor kid caught up in this and not being able to speak to anybody about his reaction because every word will be written down and offered against the other parent and he knows this. Poor sod!

[louise_l]

i'm an honest person and our son knows that were both looking out for him, our son made a choice in not seeing his dad, and we've supported him, we've spoke to our solicitor about everything. we've also tried to reason with our son that if he tells his dad with support then his dad wont doing it again. but to no joy. i dont want to push him anymore and his mum agree's.

when this all started me and my wife tried to make sure that dad saw his son as much as dad wanted, from every weekend, then cuts down to every other weekend, then dad brings in his now wife into the situation and it went wrong from there, i have nothing against dad apart from causing my wife and step-son heartache, although he did try his intimidation technique on me once on my wedding day, of all days, but i knew he was nothing more than a bully to start with.

[louise_l]

my wife wanted to sort this mess out so all parties involved knew where everyone was coming from. we dropped our son off at dads and his brother took him out while we were invited in to talk, but my wife didn't expect to do it this way. there was four of us. dad and mum went into the kitchen to talk i stayed with his now wife in the living room. i was brought up the old fashion'd way of not getting involved unless needed to and always say your P's & Q's. i was making pollite conversation with this woman during this time then i needed the toilet. when i came down she was barking at my wife and dad was saying nothing even though my wife was trying to talk to him about all this, he never replied his now wife did it all for him. but when i walked into the kitchen, my wife was stuck in the middle of these two, she had no way out, i managed to manover my self into a position where my wife could move to the opposite side of the room and i stood infront of her, this whole time his now wife was shout the odd's etc. till she mentioned some about my parents and me and dad intervined cos that was going too far. this is the sort of reaction we had over the smallest thing

[louise_l]

sorry not my parents but my wifes parents seeing how they both had died when she was young one at 14 and the other at 18. when ever my wife told dad that our son wasn't happy in a calm voice, dad and now wife started to argue with us and get irrate infront of our son we've stayed calm and insisted we not do this infront of him. but in the end we've just walked away, then we've gotten constant phone calls which were harrasment plain and simple. my wife has always tried to sort this out in civil manner for the sake of the son, she's tried till she's blue in the face. our son turn to us after the last incident and said that he needed to stand up for himself. that was last Oct. After a few days of harrassment via text stating they did nothing wrong my wife gave up and told them that she didn't want any personal contact only through solicitors, which i told her she should of done that in the first place. our son admitts to giving dad the impression that every thing was fine when he's with them. and telling us a different story. he is steadfast on not seeing him untill he's ready. even now we still get harrassment every now and then when we hear from his dad through his solicitor, demands etc... our son's told me that if he is put in a room with dad he'll either hit him or run away depending on what mood our son was in. our son knows that we've never tried to argue with dad or started it. he angry with dad but also petrified of him. since he made the choice of not seeing him his nightmares have stopped, his attitude has settled and he's in a very stable enviroment, and has no worries, until the court told we had to take him to see his dad, when our son has been upset with dad over things he's become angry and phicaly gone to throw something at his mum, continued......

[louise_l]

i've intervined and stood up to him pretending to throw something back, and i turned it into a game with laughter and cheecky grins with him to knock him out of that frame of mind, it worked, this only happened the once, now he takes his frustration out on the furniture instead after we both sat down and told him that hitting mum wasn't a good idea. his mum avoided him for afew hours as she saw his dads personality in her son. when these incidents happened with her son, he doesnt remember any of them even afew seconds after they happened. but that was a year and half ago, he's very settled and calm little boy, now when he gets annoyed over stuff he deals with it differently and in a calm state. i've had some experience with children with anger so i knew how to control it. something that i dont like but it needed doing. but if needed had to.

[louise_l]

dad told his son that he was moving up north because he had to, then contact went to once a month still being 2 night sleep.