BF TROUBLE

[JAC25]

Hiya.

My bf has recently been having some family troubles and his mind is all over the place. We have been arguing quite a bit and last week he came home (he lives with me and my parents) and said that he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me anymore. He didn't know the reason why. The next day he came back to say that he did want to be with me but needed some space and was going to live at his parents a few days of the week. Turns out he has got freaked out about commitment (we have been together for 4 1/2 years) and says that he doesn't want anything serious until he is ready which won't be for a while.

I can't think of anything worse than losing him and am trying everything I can to put the spark back into the relationship (organising dates, sending him sweet messages). I really think he is the one and would be distraught if he left me. The last few days he has carried on as normal and is really affectionate. Do you think that I am silly for waiting around and hoping that he is happy again or is this just a blip?

Please help, I'm so down :(

[JAC25]

I should also add that at one point he asked for a few months on his own to clear his head. He said that we need to stay in contact because otherwise it will mean that we don't have a future. When I asked if he sees his future with me he took a while to answer but said yes.

He also has a child by another girl from a past relationship and used to have a hard time getting access. This is now better and he wants me to do more with him and the child. That said, his ex has always messed him about and recently split from her bf. She now texts and rings him constantly which is getting me down. I have asked him if this is a factor in his uncertainty and he assures me that he would never get back with her because of how she has treated him. He says, he only trys to get on for sake of his little boy.

[ummmm]

I would say arranging dates and sending sweet messages to someone who needs a bit of space would push him further away. If he needs space...give him space. If this goes on longer than you're prepared to put up think about moving on.

[1987mandy]

How old are both of you?

[JAC25]

25!

[tastymorsel]

I would also advise you to back off a bit.If he is undecided what he wants it won't go in your favour to keep pressurising him.I would also be very suspicious of his ex's motive ringing and texting him.If his behaviour has changed since this started then I think you need to be prepared for the worst.Sorry to be a harbinger of doom but I have been there and seen this happen.At the end of the day you can't make someone love you.I hope it all goes well for you but would beg you to give him the space he needs to sort himself out.

[ummmm]

Blips happen. Most grown ups deal with them differently though.

You've been together 4.5 years and suddenly he's freaked out by commitment?

Sound more like he's just given himself an excuse to toddle off when he feels like it..

[grasscarp]

When I was young I thought I had found "the one". I tried hard to make him stay with me when he wanted space. He went. I found someone new, and eventually my husband. I have met the first guy recently and am so glad I didnt settle down with him.

[1987mandy]

Tastymorsal i totally agree with you, it sounds like he could be cheating.

[Sqad]

Let me see if I have this correct........not married, both aged 25 years old, he has an ex and a baby, living with you and your parents for nearly five years and you question his motives?

Try this bit of the story:

<<(he lives with me and my parents) <<<

That would drive me to distraction.

[Ankou]

hmm, maybe you shouuld try to rejuvenate your own social life and get out more. i wouldn't put up with the 'i'll stick around for a few days then naff off' routine as that says to me he is only turning up for a treat when he fancies it.

as said, is it possible he has met someone else, tried to distance himself from you as a little test, you have given him some freedom and he has the best of both worlds ?

you really need to talk this through with him as you will not feel any better if this carries on at his convenience.

[Ankou]

sqad, unfortunately that is what a lot of young couples have to do these days as they cannot afford to get on the property ladder.

[JAC25]

He promises me that he is not cheating and I believe him. I really dont think that he would do that too me no matter how unhappy he is. He says that he does want to be with me but just needs some space to enjoy things again.

We only live with my parents because we can't afford a house in todays market. We wouldn't choose to have it this way if it was up to us but it can't be helped.

[ummmm]

Have you been stopping him from enjoying things?

[Ankou]

Why don't you ask him to move out then , and maybe just arrange dates to try and rekindle something. in the meantime go out with your girl friends and have some fun while you can.

if he knows he won't get a comfy ride, the truth will out.

[Sqad]

ankou... I understand that, but my point was, that could exacerbate a fractious situation. I couldn´t afford a house when I was first married and had to rent.....couldn´t they do that in order to salvage their relationship?

[Ankou]

well he don't wanna commit does he

[ummmm]

Renting is not a cheap option either Sqad. The house down the road from us is £745 a month unfurnished. Bills on top of that....hardly going to rekindle anything being skint..

[Sqad]

ummmm....a bloody house? we couldn´t afford a HOUSE, we had a one bedroomed flat.
Surely that wouldn´t cost the earth?

[ummmm]

Depends where it is Sqad...most of them are factory conversions round here. Cost near enough the same as a house. Although most of them come furnished...

[LoftyLottie]

I agree with Squad on this one. You can't have had a really proper relationship whilst living with your parents in my opinion.

I would go for a total break and let him move back with his parents. Just don't keep in touch at all. This couple days a week away idea is ludicrous. Either all or nothing. If you then both really then feel that you want to be together again then find yourself somewhere to rent. I know it's not easy and perhaps not so comfortable but you will both be on an equal footing.