Should rest of family be told?

[nohorn]

My friend asked me for advice. Her father was an abusive alcholic that was worthless. Well after he died after abusing his for 60 years of marriage, his wife's sister stepped up to say that he molested her when she was nine years old, more than once, many years ago, he also exposed himself to her and her sister. The details were depressing.......they only underlined his worthless and evilness. Well, she is struggling whether to tell the rest of her siblings. who all have one foot in the grave. Should she protect his dirty secrets, especially the sons who carry his name. What about his grandchildren? Should the secret stay in the closet?

[annie0000]

It's a little bit hard to follow nohorn - I guess that his wife's sisters must have been a bit younger than his wife? I take it that the guy who died was a fair age and therefore your friends siblings are now elderly too?

I would think that maybe some of them already know. I think it unlikely that he molested those children all those years ago, got away with and then never did it again.

As sad as it is to say, some of the people she may be wanting to protect from this secret may have been victims of his as well and feel that they are the only ones.

I don't really know whether it wold be better to have it all out in the open or whether it is best long forgotten, but I think if it was me I would feel better for it having been aired than keeping it to myself.

[ummmm312]

Keep it in the closet. If his children are that old that they have one foot in the grave then why upset them now. He's dead, he's no danger to anyone, let them live with what tiny bit of respect they may hold for their father.

[anneasquith]

my knee jerk reaction is to tell all surviving relatives what an evil man this was, but what will it achieve, like annie some of the relatives may know and may well have been abused, he cant be punished, if some of the relatived are elderly the news may well distress them, its a difficult one.

[anneasquith]

thing is though he does not deserve their respect

[karenmac60]

Ah but as Annie also says, others may have been abused and think it only happened to them - surely it would help them to know others know how they feel and for them to be able to support one another?

[askyourgran]

He's dead now, let it rest. They should have come forward before he died, it may have helped the poor wife to get some help, and shown him up for what he was. Too late now.

[boxtops]

who says that his descendants have respect for their ad or grandad anyway? He he was a wife-abuser and unpleasant and drunk as you say, then people aren't going to have very high opinions of him anyway. What good would it do to reveal all now? If the sisters concerned need counselling to come to terms with what happened then it is never too late for them, but I can't see the point of telling everyone else.

[anneasquith]

would your friend think if she says nothing its like he has got away with it ?

[ummmm312]

It's not about him though is it? It's about 'them'. No matter how abusive a parent you'll find that most children still love them. Just in case they have the odd happy memory...let them keep it.

[anneasquith]

some very sensible answers (makes a change)in answer to your question, i dont know.

[ELVIS68]

http://findarticles.c...9960512/ai_n14451565/

[anneasquith]

i couldnt read all of that article.

[nohorn]

Thank you, everyone. When we discussed it, I too had that knee jerk reaction. I will show her, the replies. She said she said many things made sense, the family interactions over the years, etc. after the aunt stepped forward. I wonder what she will decide. There are pros and cons, as you all outlined. It is true that the siblings have or ever had little respect for him. They were all trapped to obey and overlook mental abuse. Sometimes it does make sense to let sleeping dragons lie.