Am I being unreasonable?

[yelenots]

My husband keeps everything! Stuff all over the place - every cupboard is full to the limit of things he just stuffs in! When he come home or goes shopping he just dumps things down on the worktop or coffee/hall table and it stays there!
The loft & shed is full of junk which we'll never ever use again but he still insists on keeping it! He's getting worse!!
It is driving me round the bend as I like the house clean and tidy! He goes mad when I put things away-says he can never find anything!
But .... its my house and home as well and I am very house proud.....am I being unreasonable nagging him to tidy up?

[Old_Geezer]

Why did you marry him if you knew he lived like this ? If it comes to that why did he marry you if he knew how houseproud you were. Did you both not check compatibility issues ?

Best of luck discussing it and trying to get some compromise, but it all seems rather late in the day to realise. Risk your relationship with nagging if you wish, but I think a sensible discussion and agreement would be more useful.

[yelenots]

Thanks for you 'sharp and to the point reply' - Did you get out of bed the wrong side this morning!!!

[Safiya]

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I would bag it all up and throw it in the garden and tell him to sort it or it goes in the bin

[Old_Geezer]

No. You asked and I gave you the best advice I suspect you are going to get. Sorry if it wasn't what you were hoping to hear. May everyone else just say, "No you are not being unreasonable", and make your day for you.

[merciasounds]

Tell him enough is enough. Give him 1 room, or the garage and say he can stuff all that he likes in there, BUT nowhere else. If he doesn't/won't conform, tell him you're going to hire a skip.........

[merciasounds]

Oh, sorry, to answer your question, no, you're not being unreasonable! My father was a hoarder until my mother and I cured him of it!!

[samak]

Why does everyone immediately take the side of the 'neat and tidy' party ?
This is what he likes to do. His desire is as valid as his partner's.
I agree with OG, you need to find a compromise.

[RATTER15]

With all due respect OG, neither of them may have exhibited these traits before they got married, I don't know these people or their ages, maybe the got married 45 years ago? People and their habits change.

[woofgang]

no i think old geezer has a point. The only person we can change is ourselves and if he was like that when you married him then its a bit of the old caveat emptor. My DH is the same only not as bad so I speak from experience. here's what I do.
First thing, is it a deal breaker? ie will you leave him over it? If yes then tell him so and if he won't change, which I suspect he won't then leave, job done.
If not a deal breaker then second thing is that given he isn't going to change and you can't have everywhere pristine, what will satisfy you? TELL HIM what this is and you are going to do to achieve it. Keep in mind you might be in for a shock....you might to things that are as annoying to him!!!!!
The next thing is how to achieve it. With Dh its stuff to do with his motorbikes and I have organised it into boxes (garage) and shelves and baskets in two areas indoors. One is a spare room and the other is an area in the kitchen where we have a breakfast table, This is for small items and gloves scarves etc. When he puts them away that's great, if he doesn't then I just toss them in the right box/basket.
If he doesn't want the house tidy and you do then its up to you to negotiate a settlement and do the work.

[China Doll]

I'm way messier and more of a hoarder (not excessively) than the man hostage. I know I'm better when I'm around him as I do try and keep things at least how he left them so he's not constantly picking up after me. I also am fairly sure that if he has seen something I don't use and won't miss, he will throw it away. WHy don't you do something like that? If he's not going to miss it and it's getting on your tits then just sling it, if he's antthing like me he probably won't notice. Or offer to sort through some stuff with him? It's a pain but maybe he can't face doing the sorting on his own as he's not got so much stuff stored.

[woofgang]

PS I know the dealbreaker thing sounds hard as nails but it does put stuff into perspective..if you ask yourself the question and the answer is of course not then why are you getting so wound up. If the answer is yes then why stay?

[Carakeel]

Firstly, no you are not being unreasonable in wanting things to change. I would sit down and explain to him that is it making you feel uncomfortable in your own house and that this is not just a house, but your home together. Don't continually nag him about it, as this may well just make things worse and ruin your relationship. You need to accept that this is what he is like, but at the same time try calmly to get him to understand how this is affecting you. As a compromise, suggest he keeps the things he hoards in one room of the house. You could also suggest you help him sift through the many items and sell what he will agree to get rid of, with a view to the money being used to buy him something he would really like to have or, if there is enough, towards a holiday together. I have great respect for other people's things and how they want to live their lives. But in a partnership, the personalities and characteristics of both people should be given equal importance and equal respect! Just try to do this in a positive, friendly manner while also making your views count! Good luck!

[RATTER15]

^^^^^^ gives me a real hard time if I don't collect up all the Heinz Baked Bean fridge pack containers (I love Baked Beans) and the containers are so useful, with screw top and all!!!! It appears I have to store them in the workshop!!!

Women can be so unreasonable!!!!!

[hc4361]

See if you can compromise - he can fill the loft with junk, buy a shed if he wants to and fill that with junk, but he must keep the living room, kitchen and your bedroom tidy.

Alternatively he can pay for a storage facility.

[cazzz1975]

the things that bug me are the little piles of screws/nails/washers and the little piles of change.

you are not being unreasonable and a firm but frank discussion is needed, this also means that any stuff that he may consider "junk" like excessive shoes/ clothing should also be considered in any future cull, as hoarding cuts both ways :)

[Dee Sa]

snap I have one like that too ! when we left Dubai to return to the UK we had an accumalation of 14 yrs junk, as fast as I put it in the skip near the entance of our flat, he would go down and retrieve half of it.Throw some out whilst he is at work and then deny it.

[boxtops]

I'm the hoarder in our house, but then OH knew that I was like that when he moved in ten years ago. It goes get on his wick, particularly since coming from an Army family they never kept anything, if it didn't fit in a dozen teachests when they moved, it didn't go, so he has little sentimentality about stuff. Now we are really hard up I am slowly moving stuff by selling it on eBay when I can - but we still have a storage unit full of stuff as well as what is in the house. It's a hard call but I'm on your husband's side as this is me too - I just don't notice if things aren't tidy.

[boxtops]

^^ and yes ratter - good idea, but when you have as much stuff I have stowed away everywhere, and overflowing, you really don't know where to start. We have a big house so in the scheme of things, it really doesn't bother me, but I know it bother's OH.

[yelenots]

Thanks for your replies!! He never used to be like this when we got married (20yrs ago) its just got worse and worse the last couple of years! What makes me laugh is a year ago he had to clear his parents house out and all he did was moan about all the junk his Dad had collected over the past 40 yrs and now he's doing the same! The thing that annoys me most is he'll just pile stuff on top of stuff in the cupboards/shed and loft even if there is no more room then you cant get at anything and the doors wont shut!
I've tried chucking stuff when he's not around out but I always get caught out!!

[boxtops]

My BIL used to be like this too - drove my sister mad - he would keep nice bits of wire, and dods of wood, "just in case"...