Painfully shy 10 year old son

[whosthatgirl]

has anyone any suggestions on how to help my sons awkward shyness? Its getting so bad that around people he cant look them in the eye and wont speak to kids his own age. He has only one friend who isnt even in his class at school so he has no one to play with when there. Its horrible and makes me feel ill about his future development and i dont know what to do.

He used to be a loving caring little boy and that seems to have been his downfall as others call him gay and dont want to be seen with him...I think its awful how being sensitive and caring can isolate someone so much.

I'm never sure what to say to him, eg should i tell him to toughen up or tell him when i think his behaviour is causing probs? I always think that by telling him things it will undermine his confidence even more!

I hope someone can help as i'm really desperate now, many thanks x

[Lillabet]

Hi, what a difficult situation - it must be really hard to see your son unhappy.

What I wouldn't do in your place (and it's probably only fair to tell you that I'm not a parent) is either tell my son to toughen up or point out when what he is doing causes problems. He is probably worried enough about why people behave in ways he doesn't understand and either of these things could make it appear as though he is wrong or to blame in some way. Adding guilt to his difficulties is not constructive.

Possible options - 1, have a word with the teacher or head. Name calling and ignoring is as much bullying as being violent. The school may be able to give you constructive advice and keep a closer (though unobtrusive) eye on him. Perhaps even look at him swapping classes - maybe to the same one as his friend?

2, You want to build his confidence and self esteem. Be positive when he interacts with others - say things like 'when I see you playing happily with X it makes me so proud of you' What is he good at? When we do things we are confident about then it helps us to feel confident. Does he have an interest or hobby? If so then perhaps joining in a group based around that might give him more confidence. Of course he may be too shy for this at the minute.

Do you have a friend with a child of a similar age who has similar interests to your son? If so you could try to encourage him  to make friends. As long as it is not obvious - say you want to spend time with this kids mum and so they'll have to hang out together rather than making it sound as though you are setting him up. (not in the date sense)

[Lillabet]

Continued: 3, Whilst you don't want to criticise him it may be that his social skills aren't as developed as those of other children. A good friend of mine did her PhD in psychology looking at social skills in children who are bullied. She ran social skills training sessions including relaxation techniques with children. The vast majority found this really beneficial and were more confident with higher levels of self esteem at the end of the process. There might be courses in your area that deal with this type of thing. If so it could be worth considering.

4, It might also be worth contacting the NSPCC and / or kidscape for advice. Both of these organisations have enormous amounts of information and skilled advisers who deal with all kinds of problems children face. The NSPCC isn't just about child abuse -  it can advise on all types of cruelty including bullying. They might also be able to provide help with social skills.

Best of luck to you and  your son in getting the support you need.

[whosthatgirl]

Lillabet....that was wonderful advice and it made total sense.  You have answered perfectly about whether or not to point out the behaviour that may contribute to this awful situation.  Thank you.

He has enrolled in clubs which he enjoys but as with school he will not approach other kids and ultimately they think he is strange which leads to name calling etc.  Social skills is exactly what is lacking and this is prob my fault in a way as instead of dealing with these issues at a young age we moved to the country wth no other kids to do this to him!  I will have to look into groups which help with this for him, again thanks so very much for your advice and taking the time to help, its very much appreciated x

[Lillabet]

Thank you for such lovely feedback. It's nice to be helpful. If you do want to look into social skills training then these numbers might help:

Parentline Plus helpline: 0808 800 2222 (Mon�Fri 9am�9pm, Sat 9.30am�5pm, Sun 10am�3pm)
Kidscape helpline for parents: 08451 205204 (10am�4pm)

[Lillabet]

Oh, and I meant to say (sorry all your answer keep being me) that you shouldn't blame yourself either. Where you chose to live does not make you at fault for your son's problems.

It sounds like you are a very caring Mum trying her hardest to do what is best for her child. He couldn't want for anything more...

[tetherend]

I'm so pleased that lillabet has been able to support you with this very difficult problem.  What she advises is good, solid advice.  Went through the same thing with my son when he was younger and I could have done with lillabet's support then!

[mattie]

Encourage him to take up a martial art, this well have several results.

He will not be expected to talk to anyone, unless he wants to as martial arts lessons are very formal, and the only person who talks is the instructor.This is an excellent way to improve self confidence. The whole point of learning a martial art is to learn self control, it is not about fighting, but about not fighting.

Another consequence of this is that bullies are likely to leave him alone, if they know that he can look after himself.

[DavidUK]

I feel for you, whosthatgirl, and your son. I was painfully shy as a child and found it very difficult to socialise. I also went through periods of having no friends. Eventually, though, I left school, went to university and now hold a senior professional job where I regularly give presentations to customers etc. My point is that, although you are bound to worry now, things can all work out in the future.

I agree with mattie that taking up a martial art could work (my two boys have recently taken up Ju Jitsu) but your son may not be that way inclined. But, if there is some activity he is interested in, whether it is sporty or arty, if he can join a club where the focus is on the activity rather than on socialising it should help.

If he can do something that he shines at, that will increase his confidence. That happened to me at school when I eventually realised that I was better than most other people at maths.

Also, it is best not criticise him. Find things to compliment him about. Show how much you love him. It is tough at school when you are shy and sensitive and things probably won't change overnight, but there is hope. Anyway, best of luck and I really hope you and your son can overcome this.

[whosthatgirl]

Iwould just like to take this opportunity to thank you all so very much for all your advice, support and encouragement.  For some time I have felt as if I were the only one going thru this and my son was 'odd' and to be honest i didnt know what to do to 'fix' the situation. 

Now with all the help and advice i have received from you all i can see a path thru this (a little hazy perhaps right now but i'm sure all will become clearer)!

I have taken him to various different clubs including kickboxing and as you say, Daviduk, this was not for him but maybe now he may enjoy it.  Perhaps the problem with the groups and clubs before was the emphasis on making friends that i put on it...

Thanks everyone x

[Andy008]

What I say might be slightly controversial. I am now 22, but as a child was brought up to be nice, polite, respectful, etc. When I left college at 18 and went into work, I very quickly realised that such an attitude would get me nowhere. My point is thus: like so many things in life, success at social relationships (or whatever you call it) is about striking a happy balance between two extremes. In this case,  being nice, and not being pushed around i.e. being assertive. I learnt this at 18, and while your lad may be a bit miserable at the whole thing at 10, it will be a lot harder if you leave it. This might sound like a rather cynical way of looking at the world - it is. One need only read the papers or watch the news to realise we live in a very unpleasant day and age. I learnt that at 18, and it was a hell of a shock. Sometimes shock tactics are what's needed.  

[laurentwink]

Hiya,  sorry its taken so long for you to get a reply, do you know if anything has happened to him? bullying for example, i used to be so shy and got bullied then i just overcame it.  as i got oldr and wiser. 

[ALLO]

my 9 year old neice suggests go up to another kid and ask if they can be your friend.if you dont have any luck talk to your familly. or the head of the school.

 

my advise would be to encourage him to make friends.don't try too hard. be yourself. if they don't like him for who he is then they are not worth his time.

also think about joining him in a club or sports.

good luck with this. we hope this was helpfull to you.