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How /when best time finish relationship?
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I have dilemma, I've been 'seeing' this guy since August. It is long distance relationship, I live England he lives Belgium. We both in a car club so knew each other briefly for abt year before getting together. We see each other every other weekend, mostly he comes to England as my funds don't allow me to visit him often. Before him I'd been single 3 yrs, having before that been in a 19 yr relationship. I was happy being single & wasn't looking for relationship. He is nice guy & besotted with me, he can't do enough. But I don't feel right, I certainly don't love him, I just like him but think more as friend. He is staying with me this weekend till Sunday, we have a Christmas party to go to tmrw night where lot of mutual friends will be. I feel I want out of relationship but when do I do it. Now before party?.... after party before he heads back to Belgium?..... we speak every night Skype webcam do I do it then? He talking about coming over Christmas & I'm trying hard to be keen but honestly don't think I want him here. Like I said I knew him briefly before & he nice guy but since relationship started I'm picking up on stuff I don't like. He has bit of reputation for having temper generally; gets wound up easily, road rage, if webcam don't work he throws it across room, swears lot (I'm not prude but not exactly type language I want my family to hear), if people get in his way when we out he blatantly tells them to get out F*ucking way. He is very outspoken, I'm the quiet type. We are so different, other than our club we have nothing else in common. I love walking .. he hates it. He loves country music .. I hate it... I know I'm being picky & I ain't getting any younger. What should I do, how do I finish it. I still want be mates but that's as far as I want it. He'll be heartbroken, he tells me I'm best thing happened to him, all our mutual friends love him to bits and say how suited we are! I really can't see it. He recently told me that he'd fancied me for ages & was just waiting till right time to make move on me & realises he loves me. I can't say it back cos I don't feel it. He always saying he misses me & looks forward to our weekends together, I'm actually beginning see them as a task! When we split up we'll won't be able to avoid each other due to mutual interest of car club, not that I want that, but feel he might. I've never been in this situation before... any advice please ?
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This is a classic situation - one partner feels more strongly than the other, and this is usually, but not exclusively, the male half.
Your guy loves you, and sees you as a couple, you do not and see him as a friend.
Men, as a gender, have a vested interest, and a facility to allow them, to not see what doesn't suit. A a woman, you would have seen the lack of commitment if it was on his side - he does not see it because he is swept away with his fascination.
You need to re-align things gently but firmly. See him on your own when, and only when you wish to see him. Tell him now that you have plans for Christmas, be non-specific but firm, and if you continue in this vein, he will (eventually!) get the message.
If he wants to talk about it, be honest about how you feel, and hopefully he will accept that you do not feel as strongly about him. He will accept it, or not, but either will be better than him seeing you with false expectations, and you being unhappy with the situation.
Please let us know how you get on.
Your guy loves you, and sees you as a couple, you do not and see him as a friend.
Men, as a gender, have a vested interest, and a facility to allow them, to not see what doesn't suit. A a woman, you would have seen the lack of commitment if it was on his side - he does not see it because he is swept away with his fascination.
You need to re-align things gently but firmly. See him on your own when, and only when you wish to see him. Tell him now that you have plans for Christmas, be non-specific but firm, and if you continue in this vein, he will (eventually!) get the message.
If he wants to talk about it, be honest about how you feel, and hopefully he will accept that you do not feel as strongly about him. He will accept it, or not, but either will be better than him seeing you with false expectations, and you being unhappy with the situation.
Please let us know how you get on.
Thank you so much for understanding, I don't want hurt him but feel longer goes on the more he'll feel secure in this relationship. When do you think the best time let him down considering this weekend plans, don't want spoil weekend for either of us or cause bad atmosphere. Should I do it now before party, after party before he goes home or over webcam when he gets home. I'm so uncomfortable thinking about how/when, don't think any time will be ideal but know got to do something soon. I appreciate your comments & honesty. Thanks
All I can say is what I'd do - and that is to tell him right away that you don't see yourself in a relationship with him but would like to remain friends. Having said that, that's going to be difficult under the circumstances and maybe it's best to make a clean break. I'd also be very, very concerned about his lack of temper control. Just my opinion but I wouldn't remain in a relationship feeling the way you do.
Wow is that familiar. You fancy a girl and surprise, like all the others in the past they just want to be friends. Ah well that's life I suppose.
In all honesty he is spending a lot coming to see you most of the time and I'd suspect he believes you are more interested than you are. So best you make things clear ASAP. In fact have you not already done so ? You seem to be encouraging him to me by not questioning this every weekend get together before now. Maybe a lesson for the future ?
I'm half tempted to say the webcam since it would be earlier and could save him the fare over if he doesn't feel like coming after you tell him. But I'm loathe to recommend doing so when not actually face to face.
You go on to say what you don't like about him; I'm unsure that is relevant. You've made a decision based on how you feel, how you justify it is really for you alone.
It's difficult to decide. As I write this I think the best thing might be to say via webcam that you both need to talk when he gets here, then if he wants to explore it further there and then it is his option. Otherwise I'd talk about it prior to any socialising. You are not really sparing him pain by putting it off.
In all honesty he is spending a lot coming to see you most of the time and I'd suspect he believes you are more interested than you are. So best you make things clear ASAP. In fact have you not already done so ? You seem to be encouraging him to me by not questioning this every weekend get together before now. Maybe a lesson for the future ?
I'm half tempted to say the webcam since it would be earlier and could save him the fare over if he doesn't feel like coming after you tell him. But I'm loathe to recommend doing so when not actually face to face.
You go on to say what you don't like about him; I'm unsure that is relevant. You've made a decision based on how you feel, how you justify it is really for you alone.
It's difficult to decide. As I write this I think the best thing might be to say via webcam that you both need to talk when he gets here, then if he wants to explore it further there and then it is his option. Otherwise I'd talk about it prior to any socialising. You are not really sparing him pain by putting it off.
Hi MustangLady,
I have nothing further to add really to what Andy has rightly mentioned, but in answer to your question about when best to tell him?........bearing in mind he's here and you say he has a bit of a temper, would the right time be before the party or during his stay?......I would wait until after the party before he goes home or when he's home onthe webcam, and just be honest.....tell him that you would like to maybe stay as friends but that would be all, and you certainly dont feel the same way as him, if he says he loves you.
He'll get the message and hopefully move on. It's awful when this happens and, of course, you are in a bit of a pickle as to what is best........one thing though.....DONT give him the impression this weekend, that there is a chance of continuing the relationship....play it cool andif at the end of his stay, you feel the time is right to tell him, just go with it. Otherwise wait till he's back in Belgium and tell him over the web.
I do wish you all the best what you decide, ML and all my wishes for a happy future to come.
I'm a firm believer that somewhere out there, there is that special someone....your soul mate.. waiting to be found, and it's just a matter of time and luck when you do.
Regards and a x ( dont tell him...ok? )
yogi x
I have nothing further to add really to what Andy has rightly mentioned, but in answer to your question about when best to tell him?........bearing in mind he's here and you say he has a bit of a temper, would the right time be before the party or during his stay?......I would wait until after the party before he goes home or when he's home onthe webcam, and just be honest.....tell him that you would like to maybe stay as friends but that would be all, and you certainly dont feel the same way as him, if he says he loves you.
He'll get the message and hopefully move on. It's awful when this happens and, of course, you are in a bit of a pickle as to what is best........one thing though.....DONT give him the impression this weekend, that there is a chance of continuing the relationship....play it cool andif at the end of his stay, you feel the time is right to tell him, just go with it. Otherwise wait till he's back in Belgium and tell him over the web.
I do wish you all the best what you decide, ML and all my wishes for a happy future to come.
I'm a firm believer that somewhere out there, there is that special someone....your soul mate.. waiting to be found, and it's just a matter of time and luck when you do.
Regards and a x ( dont tell him...ok? )
yogi x
Thanks for your replies. To rsvp; his temper also underlining worry, like you say I'm being cautious I suppose. To old_geezer; I've not intentionally led him on, like I said I do like him as friend and just hoped I suppose that my feelings for him would grow. He's the only man shown interest in me since my split 3yrs ago, suppose was flattered at start of relationship but come to realise he not one for me. To Yogi-bear; thank-you for your advice too (lol & no I won't tell). Think you all right, I've got tell him soon, if I feel its right on Sunday before he leaves I do it then, otherwise webcam it'll be, though I do feel deep down that's the cowards way out & not appropriate!
I'd agree with katdarn, you won't enjoy the party if you know what's coming, I think it's only fair on him if you don't keep him hanging on and at least you'll be able to relax then. I know it's hard breaking up with someone, especially at this time of year, but if you're going to do it just do it, the sooner you both get on on your own paths the better.
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To space_cadet, no gossip seen for myself. Never saw it so much until after started seeing him more. Road rage I'd held on my seat belt so tight, very intimidating driver. I actually was scared. On webcam saw him whollop the camera across room because slow connection. His constant swearing during normal conversations. His aggressive nature at different situations if they don't go his way. all this has come to light recently I suppose more comfortable he gets with me the more I get to see real him, rather like spoilt kid. Maybe I'm just picking up on things now, cos talking you all is easier than confronting situation right now.
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Just wanted to thank you all for your responses. I did it on Sunday before he went home. We spent the weekend together which was pleasant enough but still knew I had to finish the relationship as I felt no love for him, it felt more like a good friendship. On Sunday I sat him down and explained fully my feelings, being completely honest with him. Told him he did nothing wrong but I felt it was unfair to lead him on thinking their might be a more serious relationship at the end of it and felt that I wasn't the one for him. Told him I wanted us to remain good friends as we were before we started seeing each other. He was obviously very quiet but took in everything I explained to him. It was actually more understanding than I anticipated and think I worried over nothing. He went home on Sunday afternoon (as planned), he was upset as he was more quiet than usual. He did call me 3 times during his journey back to Belgium and we talked more but all was ok. Since home, we have spoken twice and he still very gutted that it ended, but appreciates my honesty. He said he will still look out for me and he'll always be there if I need him. He always wanted me to reassure him that we will remain friends, when he comes to visit mutual friends in England, I must be sure to visit him there. I now know I worried over nothing, but having not had to do that before I didn't know what to do, I thank you all again for your advice.
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