bioligical clock!

[Scarlett]

I am of that age where I am going to have to seriously start thinking about babies IF I am going to have them. The thing is, I have been single for years, and I don't have any maternal urges! My sister was aghast when I said I wouldn't be having kids, and she said I simply MUST because it is amazing.

I am very work- orientated, and get much more of a buzz from doing my creative thing than anything else.

Should I book me an appointment at the sperm bank, or just forget about it, like I have been doing for the past 5 years?! (I'm 35).

Thanks for your thoughts!

[delilahcat]

Hi Scarlett,

I knew very early on (from about 19 or 20) that I DEFINITELY never wanted kids. Everyone said I'd change my mind. I'm now 51 and, not only have I never changed my mind but I thank heavens every day that I never gave in to pressure from other people to have them. I'm sure it's the most wonderful thing in the world for some people - I can only say that, for me, the mere thought of having children makes me come out in a cold sweat! (And yes, I realise that I'm going to get abuse heaped on me for admitting this, but I just wanted you to know that you CAN have a very happy and fulfilled life without kids.)

[kick3m0n]

Hi Scarlett.  Each to their own babes.  If you're happy with your life as it is, then that's a really positive thing (after all, not everyone can say that) and you should continue in whatever way you chose.  I have a few friends who are just not interested in having kids, never were.  Some are now beyond the age where pregnancy is possible, some are not but all are unchanged in their opinion, and very happy with their choice and resultant lifestyle.   There is no must about having kids, tho it is of course wonderful that your sister recommends it so highly.  Just for the record, I had my first baby 21months ago (age 33) having known all my life I wanted to be a mother.  We could afford for me to give up work, so now I'm a full time mum, which for me is the best job in the world.  But as I said above, I have friends who are the complete opposite and they are just as happy and fulfilled as I am.  All the best. xx

[woofgang]

OH I do so agree, got the pressure when we were first married 30 years ago, not from parents or family but from friends of theirs...to the point where I told one lady to mind her own!!

We are childless not by choice and are happy, considered going an intervention route and didn't. How would a child feel if you have one and still are not that keen, it doesn't bear thinking about.

Also pardon me for saying but IMHO and as an outsider, a child needs 2 parents wherever possible!

[Mistopheles]

I'm with everyone above. I never wanted kids until recently, when my biological clock suddenly kicked in with a vengance! I've been under a lot of pressure to have children in the past, which if anything put me off more.

I'm sure having children is very rewarding - and I'm equally sure that if you have a child when you don't really want one, it'll be a disaster.

If you are partly thinking about this because its 'now or never' or because you want your genes passed on, how about freezing your eggs, or donating them to another couple?

If you really don't want kids, then don't do it. You might end up resenting the child and children know when they aren't wanted...

[spudqueen]

Why should you have a child because your sister says you should?  Would you get a dog, or a horse or a pet alligator because your sister had one?

I have children, my choice, but would never DREAM of asking ANYONE who was childless when they were going to have children!

Hey, it's YOUR life, do what you want with it.

[boobesque]

hey just because your sister says you must doesnt mean you have to!! its your body and your life, please dont do it unless ur 100% sure, its hard work but rewarding being a mum and if you have a baby cos your sister says you must you could end up resenting the child.

[justineo]

Hi Scarlett, the only thing I could add is,if you are seriously considering having a baby at sometime, make sure you see your doctor and have a full check up so that you know everything is working properly for when you decide to try.  It took me and my partner 12 years to conceive our child and by then, we had had come to terms with never having a child.  We used to look after our nieces, nephews and friends children so we never felt a lack of children in our lives.  Don't forget you have years yet, perhaps you should enjoy yourself at work at present and reconsider it in another year. Hope it works out 

[Scarlett]

Thanks all. I think you are right- if I have no yearning for babies, then what's the point?! Maybe that will come along, and I also agree, that I would only want to have kids if there was a Dad on the scene. Since there isn't, I will carry on in my own little way, and worry about it if and when it happens!x x x

[Otrere]

I agree with what everyone else says.

I have 2 friends, both female, and neither of them want children. In fact one of them has been sterilised.

Being a mum myself I find this hard to get my head around cause I know how fantastic having children can be, but everyone is different and if you haven't got maternal feelings, then that's just the way you are. If only we could all accept each other for the way we are and not try and put pressure on people to conform to the norm eh?

You sound like a sensible person who would take precautions, so never mind what anyone else thinks, as well as being a huge responsibility, taking the decision to be a parent is something you have to want to do, and you have to do what is right and the most natural thing for you and if that's not it then don't do it.

Am a waffling now?? Yes I think so. Hope I made myself clear anyway and hope that you enjoy your life, with or without children!!

[jaxsy]

hi scarlett - ur question really hit home with me. when i was 35 i wasn't in a suitable relationship and thought i'd have plenty of time anyway, so no rush really. now i'm 41 and FINALLY in a (nearly) suitable relationship. i say nearly suitable because he is 35 and "not ready for kids yet". well, unfortunately time is really running out for me and my eggs so the pressure is on me and our relationship. we've been dating around seven months (met one and a half years ago), so i don't want to "rush" him, but hey, what am i supposed to do.

My advice if ur interested is save your eggs so you can relax a bit about running out of time and date men who are potential daddy material and not waste ur time just having fun. i did that for too long. ironically, i'm having more fun with my current partner and he is a sensible type too. i hope this makes some sense.

GOOD LUCK!

[Scarlett]

Hi Jaxsy-

You sound like your eally do actually want kids. My problem is , I am not sure that I do! I'm not sure that I don't either. If I met Mr. Amazing tomorrow I might just go ahead because I so wanted to experience it with someone, and have their babies etc. I do appreciate that time is running out at 35, but I still FEEL like 25- that's the main worry!! Saving aggs sounds like a good idea, actually, but do you know how to go about that? Maybe that's another question!!

[jaxsy]

I found this book and have been reading it to help me in my decision making. (i have no financial interest) "Cope with Your Biological Clock: How to Make the Right Decision about Motherhood (Help Yourself)"
by Theresa Francis-Cheung

when i was 35 i felt 25 too (ur only ask old as the man you feel - nyuck nyuck...) but now i'm 41 and have to make this big decision i feel A LOT OLDER.

sorry to sound so glum. actually i'm really happy with my life - but this baby question is something i think about every day and there is no 'right' answer. for me, the idea of having a baby sounds great but then i force myself to think of all the possible difficulties (i'm sure you can think of ur own) and try and ask myself if it still sounds rosy. actually it does.

give the book a go - it's a very easy going read.
- j.

[Solarjunkie]

It sounds as if you're fine the way you are.

The funny thing is, that usually (I know, not always!) once a woman is pregnant the hormones kick in and motherhood is the most amazing thing in the world. I took the plunge into motherhood without maternal urges, hoping all the stuff about "it's different when it's your own!" was true - and it is. I still don't like children, but mine are the best in the world. So I can see where your sister is coming from, she doesn't want her sister to miss out on the experience. But what's right for her is not necessarily right for you - just enjoy being an auntie!

[mum1]

I didnt want kids but i fell pregnant and didnt want to abort it so i had the baby and now im glad i havent! I have a lovely little boy and hes changed my life and mind about having kids! They are wonderfall and very rewarding. They can be hard work but they love you and thats all that matters at the end of the day.If ever you change your mind you wont regret it!!